Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you both to know...

Tony

You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.

Ziva

Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.

Gibbs

I was going to say, if either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.

Tony

That's our boss.

Gibbs

Sensitivity training is gonna have to wait. Double homicide at Quantico. Marine wives. [to Tony, McGee and Ziva] Grab your gear!

Ziva

Yes!

Ziva

Inappropriate?

McGee

A bit.

Tony

That and you're probably the reasons why we have to take these stupid classes.

Gibbs

Today!

Tony

On your six Boss!

Ziva

This is not one of your stupid action movies, Tony.

Tony

No it isn't, if it was you'd be dressed differently.

Ziva

And you'd be far better-looking.

Tony

You'd be dead by the opening credits.

McGee

Ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

[To Tony, after she gave Ziva information on the case] Something wrong?

Tony

Oh, just wondering if Gibbs knows who Ziva's secret contact is.

We had a saying in Europe: "Whatever Gibbs doesn't know..."

Tony

"...can't hurt him".

No. "Can't hurt us".

Tony

Open that up, Probie.

McGee

No, you open it.

Tony

Who's the senior field agent?

McGee

Gibbs?

Tony

In this room, who's the senior field agent? [McGee is still hesitant] Open it! Chucklehead.

Tony

This guy's apartment makes McGee's look like the Four Seasons.

McGee

Woah, what is wrong with my home?

Tony

Uh, there's nothing that a bulldozer and few coats of paint wouldn't fix.

Tony

I'm shutting up, Boss.

Ziva

What are you doing?

Tony

I'm in the middle of a very serious negotiation.

Ziva

On McGee's computer?

Tony

I know where you're going with this, and the answer is yes.

Ziva

And what's the question?

Tony

Have I no shame?

Tony

She asked you out? You?!

McGee

Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.

Tony

Trust me, you're not.

Tony

That wasn't the way it looked, boss.

Gibbs

I know. I know.

Tony

The director kinda suckered me into that deal.

Gibbs

Ziva caved first.

Ziva

I didn't cave in! I was trying --

Gibbs

McGee next.

McGee

It wasn't --

Gibbs

And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.

Tony

Well I --

Gibbs

Probably all of 30 seconds.

Tony

We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!

McGee

Or die trying!

Tony

[with a horrified look at McGee] Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?

Ziva

We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.

Tony

How do you fail an autopsy?

Ziva

By doing that. What happens if you fail here?

Gibbs

[Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.

McGee

According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O. he's been on leave the last six days.

Tony

Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a bear's digestive tract.

McGee

Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.

Tony

[Upon seeing the name of the park's general store] Jackrabbit Slim's?

Ziva

Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?

Tony

[pauses, giving her an odd look] You don't know how to say 'porcupine', but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?

Ziva

Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.

Tony

Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah!

Ziva

That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don't want him to think I'm sleazy.

Tony

That term is "easy."

Ziva

What's the difference?

Tony

Mostly the makeup.

Ziva

She asked if you had the calzones for this, yes?

Tony

Cojones.

Ziva

Do you?