Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

McGee

It's a matter of opinion, Tony so how could it be wrong?

Tony

It's just a matter of you having the wrong opinion!

Ziva

(groans) Why don't you just agree to disagree?

McGee

I don't agree to that!

Tony

Boss? The way the director cut her hair? Do you like it?

Gibbs

She cut her hair?

Ziva

What are you doing?

Tony

I'm trying to picture you pregnant.

Ziva

Don't!

Tony

I have to, I'm gonna be a father! It's a great responsibility.

Ziva

Maybe it's not yours.

Tony

Maybe she didn't know.

Ziva

Oh, she knew.

Tony

Then why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?

Ziva

Maybe we needed the money.

Tony

Kids are expensive...

Ziva

And bullets are cheap. There is a big chance that this meeting is a set-up, Tony.

Tony

Are you scared?

Ziva

No... excited.

Tony

(mutters) Crazy chick...

Ziva

(sleepily) I heard that, my little Hairy Butt.

Ducky

There doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?

Tony

I wasn't counting.

Ziva

Seven times.

Tony

She was, of course.

Ziva

It was hard not to.

Ziva

I'm driving you home. [jangles Tony's keys and smiles]

Tony

Probie. [looks hopefully to McGee]

McGee

Ah, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.

Ziva

Why is that?

Abby

Maybe he wants to live.

Tony

Someone's setting me up.

Gibbs

Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?

Tony

Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.

Ziva

Wouldn't they all have grudges?

Tony

You see my dilemma.

McGee

[reading over Tony's shoulder] Mike Macaluso?

Gibbs

He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.

Tony

They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.

Abby

What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?

Tony

I didn't arrest him, Abby.

Abby

Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.

Tony

[to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?

Ziva

I would never...! Okay, maybe I would, but I didn't.

Do you realise the kind of trouble you're in here, DiNozzo?

Tony

Oh, believe me. I do. Do you realise that you have an enormous clump of something green between your teeth?

This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!

You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?

Ziva

We've been barking up the wrong tree the entire investigation.

Tony

Bush.

Ziva

Sorry. Barking up the wrong... bush?

Tony

[grins] Tree.

Ziva

Halligan's on the goat. Oh, no! Not goat. Sheep?

McGee

Lam?

Ziva

That's it.

Tony

He's on the lam. There's no “B” in that, by the way.

Ziva

Thank you.

McGee

I killed a cop arresting a drug lord?

Ziva

His goose is cooked.

Tony

You would get that one right.

McGee

Tony, I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a Marine sniper, Kate protected the President of the United States... God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering and computer forensics. I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.

Tony

The first time I shot at someone... I wet my pants.

McGee

Really?

Tony

Really.

Tony

If you tell anyone that, I will slap you silly.

Tony

[Referring to Ziva teasing him] You're enjoying this a lot, aren't you?

Ziva

Oh... Yes.

Abby

Rule number 8 is going to save you McGee!

Tony

Never date a coworker?

Ziva

Never go anywhere without your knife.

Tony

Thought that was 9.

Gibbs

Never take anything for granted.

Ziva

Oh, Le-Aza-Zel!

Tony

There's that word again!

Ziva

Interpool just picked up Halligan entering Morocco!