Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

How old am I?

Kate

Based on chronology or maturity?

Tony

I love Gus! It's very strong! What do you have to go with it?

Abby

Louis?

Tony

Gus Louis? It kinda sounds like a salad!

Abby

How about Bricker?

Tony

Gus Bricker. It's a tough one! Gibbs said to put some Military in the background.

Abby

Dishonorable discharge of course!

Tony

How about some time in Leavenworth?

Abby

What's the crime?

Tony

Something that fits my persona

Abby

How about violating Federal Obscenity Laws?

Tony

No! I mean my new sleazy gun running profile!

Abby

Drugs are always a safe bet!

Tony

Yeah. Drugs?

Abby

Got 3 to 5 paroled out on 2!

Tony

There is no justice in this world Abs!

Tony

McGee said you wanted to see me. Actually, he said I was under house arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.

Gibbs

Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?

Tony

Up to my knees?

Gibbs

I see you're familiar with this particular creek.

Tony

I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I'm not working a hot case.

Gibbs

What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?

Tony

That's not fair, Boss.

Gibbs

War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?

Tony

Yes, Boss. Can I say something?

Gibbs

Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!

Tony

It does.

Gibbs

Then speak!

Tony

Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.

Tony

Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy?

Gibbs

The Hamas guy! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass! We call him everything but his name. You know why that is?

Tony

Because we don't know his name?

Gibbs

Because you're not working a hot case. I want his name! I want it today! And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!

Gibbs

You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you?

Tony

Yeah, do you, McGee?

Gibbs

Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony. It looks like he could use a workout.

Kate

Don't let him intimidate you, McGee, that's my job today.

Gibbs

[smashing cell phone on desk] God, I hate this thing! It's crap!

Kate

There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.

Gibbs

See? [holds up smashed phone] There's a reason I didn't trust these things. [tosses it to McGee] Here, reboot that or something. [to Kate] Send her up.

McGee

Reboot it?

Kate

Or you can do what we always do.

Tony

It's his third one this month.

Abby

[as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!

McGee

System's over-heated.

Gibbs

So reboot it.

Abby

Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.

Gibbs

[brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.

Tony

Delivery complete.

Gibbs

That's good work, Tony.

Tony

Thanks, Boss. That means a lot.

Gibbs

If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring.

Gibbs

McGee, where are you going?

McGee

Uh, Norfolk.

Gibbs

Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted. [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] To a full-time field agent.

McGee

Really? That's incredible! What's-

Gibbs

You belong to me now.

Kate

Congratulations!

Tony

Yeah, what she said.

McGee

So, I-I'm one of you guys now, right? No more hazing?

Sure.

McGee

Well, I-I just want to say that I never took it personal and I--

Tony

You know I could really get used to that.

Tony

[slams a portable fan onto his desk] Anyone, and I mean anyone, know when the air conditioner is getting fixed? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open? Like, what are we on, a space ship? Windows should open!

Kate

[checks him out admiringly] Ooh! Have you been working out?

Tony

All summer long. Thanks for finally noticing!

Kate

No. I meant right now. 'Cause you're sweating like a pig and it's not very... [whispers] attractive!

McGee

[awkwardly] Morning, Agent Todd!

Kate

McGee...

McGee

Yeah?

Kate

You have two seconds to tell me what you're doing down there!

McGee

I'm upgrading the computer system, and, uh...

Kate

Time's up!

McGee

N...n...no! I wasn't looking! Ahh! I wasn't looking!

Gibbs

[walking in] Tony, Did I just see what I thought I saw?

Tony

Um, out of respect for my co-workers, I'd have to say "yes, you did" and it's kind of disturbing.

Gibbs

I agree. Put your damn shirt on! This is a federal office building, not a gym! [notices McGee] Damn it, McGee, why are you still here?

McGee

The air conditioner's been turned off and it won't get turned on 'till the network's back on.

Gibbs

And you think it's acceptable to be crawling around all day, by yourself?

McGee

I just wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk.

Gibbs

You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you?

Tony

Yeah, do you, McGee?

Gibbs

Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony. It looks like he could use a workout.

McGee

It's not that hard, so I'll probably do it myself.

Tony

Good answer!

Kate

Don't let him intimidate you, McGee. That's my job today.

Kate

Agent Todd!

McGee

[to Tony] I didn't look!

Tony

Oh, I believe you. But let me ask you this... is she a pantyhose or a thong girl? 'Cause I'm thinking thong... [winces as Kate elbows him in the gut]

Gibbs

Kate, take McGee and search the Watsons' house. DiNozzo, I want everything there is on Watson and his family by the time I get back. [takes his SIG out and walks to elevator]

Tony

Where are you going Boss?

Gibbs

To talk to Capt Watson.

Kate

Wait, Gibbs, if they're watching him...

Gibbs

I'll make sure they don't notice!

Kate

[to Tony] That is not a good call.

Tony

[nonchalantly] Relax. You think Gibbs keeps that haircut to save on shampoo?

Abby

(yelling as Tony winces) Okay Gibbs, your mic is coming in loud and clear! Who's that in the office with him?(jokes) The Devil?

Gibbs

Hey, hey, hey, hey! (signs something to her)

Abby

(signs "sorry")

Tony

You know? Seeing as no-one in this room is actually deaf that is really annoying!

Gibbs

What can you tell me about the voice?

Abby

It sounds like this particle physicist I used to date! He had these tiny little chiglet-like teeth and an Eiffel Tower tattoo!

Gibbs

(shakes the Caf-Pow) Do you want this Abby or not?

Abby

Okay! Obviously it's being disguised! I think I can filter it back to it's original state!

Tony

You think?

(really high-pitched) "she is a little beauty, she is a little beauty"!

Tony

Yeah! Okay I'll get that APB out on the lollipop guild!

Abby

Patience Tony!

(really slow and low) "little Beauty"

"He was right about one thing, she is a little beauty"

Gibbs

Not bad! (passes her the Caf-Pow)

Abby

Thank you Gibbs!

Gibbs

Next thing I need you to do is hack into Captain Watson's computer!

Abby

(chokes on her Caf-Pow) Gibbs! We're talking about the Pentagon here! Even their encryptions have encryptions!

Gibbs

Yeah? That dirt-bag somehow managed it!

Abby

it probably took him months! Our best bet is to ask the DOD for access to their system!

Gibbs

No, cause the first thing they'll do is sever the connection! And if that happens, we'll end up with two dead dependants!

Abby

I don't think I can do it!

Gibbs

Tony. Get McGee on the hook!

Abby

(fighting her emotions grabs his phone) No! (moving out of his reach) I'll get in!

Gibbs

Yeah?

Abby

Yeah!

Gibbs

I believe you!

Tony

(after Gibbs has walked out he turns the phone off) When has Gibbs been wrong before?

Tony

Let me guess, you never inhaled.

McGee

I inhaled.

Tony

Yeah?

McGee

Once. A little bit.

Tony

How was it?

McGee

Didn't like it.

Kate

You didn't like it?

McGee

No...

He didn't inhale.

Tony

Do you know what bongos are? Well the beatnik is playing them in my head!

Gibbs

Tony, Kate, McGee. MTAC now!

Tony

(mutters) Tony, Kate, McGee? (louder) Tony, Kate, McGee!

Kate

(walking with Tony) Beatnik gone?

Tony

(nodding) Yeah!

Kate

Cool! (starts clicking her fingers rhythmically)

Kate

You find the perfect 50's woman and she almost kills you DiNozzo!

Tony

She was so obedient!

Kate

Yeah. It's scary how impressed you are by that!

Tony

I think Gibbs enjoys this more than sex.

Kate

That would explain the three wives.