Announcer, Mr. Poodlepants and others in “Jason Alexander”

And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot, in Murder on the Disoriented Express.

Help, help! I've been murderized!

Oh, no! Oh, my goodness! Someone has killed Mr. Poodlepants!

[rising] Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show. They wouldn't really-

[shutting his mouth] SHHH!!! You're ruining the scene now. Go down, go down. [lowering him down]

Oh dear, it's a murder! What do we do?

There's only one detective who can solve this crime, and he's on board our train, folks! Ladies and gentleman, I present Monsieur Hercules Poirot!

[in his French accent] Everyone, please take your seats. Nobody move! Please be seated. Touch nothing! Sit, sit, sit. And, er, by the way, it is not Hercules, it is Hercule, Mm, mm. Now, I would like to begin my investigation, by asking a few questions.

Oh, er, I have a question there, Hercules. Er, are you gonna use your superstrength to lift up the train and shake out the clues?

Now, listen carefully. You are thinking of Hercules, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology. I am Hercule Poirot, a fictional Belgian detective.

But, but how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little waist coat.

I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. I am not Hercules.

Oh, I get it. He's working under cover.

Shht. Don't get him mad! He'll rip up the train tracks and tie 'em around your neck!

[grabbing Bobo's collar] Yes. I might, if I was HercuLES, which I am NOT! Now, if I may proceed with my investigation.

Yes, yes, yes, please everyone, let him proceed with his investigation.

Ah, merci, merci. At last, someone with a little intelligence.

What are you going to do first? Fly around the earth backwards, so you can reverse time and discover who really did it?

[normal voice] Alright, first of all, I am not Hercules. Second of all, you are thinking of Superman, and not Hercules! And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the Earth! I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.

Jason, please, you're breaking character.

I'm breaking character? You're supposed to be DEAD! [pokes him in the eyes] This clown thinks I'm Superman, and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm Hercules!! Alright, that's it! I've had it. You people are not professionals. You are not artists! If you want to see what great theater is really all about, watch my finale. In the meantime, I am outta here. WHOA!!! [falls off the train]

I guess he's not as powerful as a locomotive. [honks his horn]