Moral Orel · Season 2
Hot dog, picket signs!
There’s a special Saturday screening of “The Greatest Story Ever Told”.
That’s not a dirty movie.
They all are, Orel, if you find a way to look at them just right…
But, it’s about the life of our Lord. It can’t be that bad.
Then let’s let God be the judge of that, shall we?
[She twitches uncontrollably and writes “MOVIE TOO LONG AND BORING, DISTRACTS AUDIENCE INTO WHORING!” onto the blank picket sign]
Of course! That God. Even makes me feel inferior.
Is sin radioactive?
Yes. That's why it's dangerous to get it near your groin.
Yikes!
Hey, Dad, can I talk to you?
Sure! [angrily] In my study!
OK!
[Clay looks confused]
You don't seem at all nervous, young man.
But I didn't do anything wrong.
Oh, right. Well, I guess my belt can have the day off. [He takes off his belt to hang it up and his pants fall down] Darn it.
God makes two types of mistakes. The first kind is called "a miracle". You know, like bleeding statues, burning bushes, earthquakes and hurricanes that destroy disgusting foreign cultures? Those are all good mistakes that back up our faith in positive ways. And then there are His not so good mistakes. Traffic jams, the common cold and the mentally retarded. Those are called "God's blunders"
Now this is not to say that the pious life is completely devoid of joy. Oh, there’s lot of great stuff! There’s platonic friendship, nice weather, the thrill of a good night’s sleep....uh....just to name a few.
Dad?
Where? I mean- Here for ya!
I’m sure finding it hard trying to avoid all of the devils pleasure traps
Ah, don’t worry, son. When you get older and have a family, you’ll find that leading a virtuous and pleasure-free life comes as easy as waking up in the morning.
Clay, I’m setting your couch alarm so you’re not late for work again tomorrow!
[mockingly] Fine! [to Orel] Okay, it’s a lot easier than waking up in the morning.
(after Orel tells him he's been having wet dreams about God spanking him) You've been having what about who doing what?! I think you know what this means! (Orel makes an aroused grin, Clay realizes belting him won't solve this problem) Just...just meet me in my study.
In this cold, cynical, free-thinking, lonely world you’ve made, it’s somewhat expected when new friendships are welcomed with open hearts.
[The Puppington Family are having new neighbors, the Posubules, for dinner, and they're all saying grace.]
Our Father, who/which art... [Everyone stops, slightly confused, then resumes] ...in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses/debts... [everyone stops again, more conscious, and then continue cautiously forward] ...as we forgive those who trespass/our debtors...
Debtors?!
Trespassers?!
What are you, nuts?! Get out!/Let's go!
Well, you think you know someone!
Get up, kids. I can't believe you would expose my children to this without my consent!
Your children? What about my kid, he's only nine!
Twelve.
Please, just leave!
Gladly!
You don't even understand what the Lord's Prayer means!
How dare you!? Forgive your debtors!
Forgive your trespassers!
You owe me a bottle of wine!
GET OFF MY PROPERTY!! (Slams the door)
The crusades took place during the Dark Ages, which was a very pious and righteous time in our history. Doughy?
But the Dark Ages sound scary.
Well, they're not. "Dark" in this case, means something more like "shade" and "shelter." To be in a cool, dark place away from the oppressive heat of blinding enlightenment.
So what did they end up getting back from the Crusades?
Well, as you can see, many of the artefacts are here behind this glass. We have the Holy Grail, a porthole from Noah's Ark, and the skeleton of the baby Jesus. All of these, of course, can be purchased in the museum gift shop.
(praying) Lord, Putty here. Reverend Putty, for what that's worth. I don't know what the deal is with you, but I do and do and do for you, and all I ask is one measly thing in return! Seriously, is a lady really that difficult to conjure up? I mean, you make trees for a living. And I'm saying it could be any lady! Any size, any shape, any colo— I mean, any weight. The point is, I'm not picky. Amen.
I think that as long as you have at least one of those "F" words in your life, you can't be lonely. For you see, a lot of the problems starts when people get too greedy and want all of the "F" words, and don't appreciate the ones that they have. Then they're just making their live miserable...and who ever heard of somebody actually wanting to make his life miserable. Amen.
Well, you see, Stephanie...
Yes, Reverend?
You know what? Let's just cut the "Reverend" stuff, huh?
OK, what would you prefer? "Pastor"? "Minister"? "Brother"? "Rod"?
How about "Father"?
Sounds a little too Catholic, doesn't it?
Hmm, you're right. Better make it "Dad".
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle and the life of that candle will not be shortened.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Moral Orel pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
