R"Honest" Ramone
So, you are a, ah, detective?
No, he's the best detective in the world.
Maybe not the world. Well, who's to say?
[Jake comes out of the other room]
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
So, what's going on, Columbo? [Monk has placed a wheelchair at the foot of the stairs]
This is Joseph Moody's wheelchair. It was still in the garage.
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
Who?
The old man who used to live here. He fell down these stairs. He had a private nurse who said he walked up [the stairs] to that landing. But look... [points to three of the steps] Here, here, and here. Tire tracks. They're a perfect match. And this. [Monk pulls out his tweezers and removes a piece of wallpaper from the wheelchair's frame] Wallpaper. [He walks up the stairs to the tiny rip, where he puts the torn piece in to the rip; it matches perfectly] You can see where it was ripped away. No, I think she wheeled him up these stairs.
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
So you just put that together? Just like that? [Impressed] Fantastic!
And this. [Pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair] Tribiteral. It's a new prescription. This is the stuff she said made him disoriented. [He hands it to Natalie]
It's never been opened. You think she killed him?
She lied about it. There must be a reason.
[Jake briefly raises his eyebrows. Cuts to Cassie Drake bringing groceries into her house. She turns on the lights]
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
Hey Cassie. [Cassie is momentarily startled to see Jake sitting in an armchair, but casts a sigh of relief. She sets her grocery bag down on the floor]
CDCassie Drake
Jake! You scared me to death!
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
Got your work on the night shift again, huh?
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
That sucks; throws off the whole internal clock. Gets it all out of whack, huh. [Pause; Cassie sets her keys down on the kitchen counter]
CDCassie Drake
How did you get in?
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
Sliding door. It's broken.
CDCassie Drake
No it's not.
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
No. It is.
CDCassie Drake
[Nervously] So, how's it going? When am I gonna see my share?
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
See, buttercup, that's why I'm here: We--we ran into a little, "bump" in the road today. Guess who bought the house? [Pause] Adrian Monk. [Short pause]
CDCassie Drake
I don't know him.
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
He's on to you, Cassie. [Cassie puts her hands up in a defensive position]
CDCassie Drake
Jake, it wasn't my fault! I didn't wanna kill him! [Jake starts to rise from his chair and pulls an awl from his toolbelt]
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
I know.
CDCassie Drake
He would've told everybody! I really didn't have a choice!
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
I know. [He stabs and kills her]
[Monk and Natalie have been shackled by their legs to the claw-footed bathtub, and are trying to undo the restraints]
You're not gonna believe this. He's still not the worst contractor I've ever seen.
Can you reach that hammer? [Points to a spare hammer on Jake's toolbelt]
I'll try. [She barely manages to stretch as far as she can to grab the hammer, which she hands to Monk]
Pull. [Still weighed down by the tub, Monk and Natalie crawl down the hall, dragging the tub with them. Monk takes the hammer, and pounds in a protruding nail, accidentally making a very small hole in the wall]
Nothing. That nail was driving me crazy. [He and Natalie stop to catch their breaths]
[Points] He still hasn't fixed that light!
[Monk looks up at the off-centered lamp, then at the inside of the small hole he made while pounding the nail in, and he notices that the framework isn't real]
Oh my God. [He backs away] Oh my God!
[Jake pops his head out from the other side of the wall he is cutting down]
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
"Oh my God" what? Whaddaya see, hmm? [Monk and Natalie stammer] What do you see? [He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them] What do you see, huh?! [He kicks part of the wall down and finds that the framework is not wooden lattice work] Something there? [He realizes what it is] It's a false wall! There's a reason that light wasn't centered: because this is a false wall! [To Ramone] Come on, move the furniture. Move the furniture! [They move a table]
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
It's in here! Take it down! [He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both laugh in triumph]
R"Honest" Ramone
Jake! Jake! Whaddaya wanna do with your share of the money?
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it! [He shoots and kills Ramone]
[As Jake reveals numerous bundles of money behind the fake wall, Monk and Natalie kick it, causing it to fall on top of him and knocking him out]
Is he dead? [To Jake] Are you dead?!
No, he's not dead! He's still breathing. He's gonna wake up any second now.
[Remembering what Joseph's niece said about the soundproof walls] Forget it, it's no use! Nobody's gonna hear you!
[Natalie is emitting smoke signals to summon the police]
[Jake staggers across the foyer and points his gun at Monk and Natalie, who recoil]
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
If you like my work, tell your friends. All about where to mouth my business. And on second thought, I'm gonna retire. [He raises his gun and suddenly Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in]
Drop the gun! On the ground! Let me see your hands!
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
[Being led out] Good luck.
Holy moly, what happened here?
I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.
Monk · 667 quotes
