Modern Family · Season 1
[upon receiving Claire's gift] I am so excited. [Opens envelope] Coupons for...five free hugs.
You don't like it?
Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.
I've tried everything to get her attention. Opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria. Nothing has worked.
Here's the deal. Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and since you don't have either one of those things... you're gonna be the funny guy.
Hey, Phil... are you getting a Clown for today?
Er no, Luke er... Luke's not much of a Clown-fan.
Really?
Yeah, never really liked them
Has he ever seen a good one?
Has anyone?!
I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ‘em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything...except for clowns. Never shared that with the family so, shh- I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's because when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods- but who knows?
Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.
One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.
Phil's problem is follow-through.
We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.
Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.
But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.
Hey, you're not leaving are you?
I've got school.
Wha-?! School!
Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!
[points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?
He's weak.
Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.
I know but I kinda got work-
Pssh, work!
Go, Jay!
Yes, go Jay and take Manny with you too!
Okay!
NO, MANNY! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!
Did you draw on my poster?
Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.
I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.
Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.
That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.
Okay, I checked the rest of the computer in the house. I didn't find any more porn.
That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.
[To the florist, after Cam accidentally sets the flowers on fire and then runs screaming into the kitchen] Look at that, two things flaming at once!
I came out of the closet in my mid-twenties. I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it. I’m not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong like I had said, “Dad, I’m gray”
What's Jägermeister?
Um, well you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle -- you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.
Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I'm betting these babies [points to fake moustache] are coming back in a big way. Buy low sell high. People are gonna see this and say... that guy is high.
[about a comedian] You're going to love him. Trust me, the guy's hilarious.
OK, tell me one of his jokes.
Well, he doesn't do jokes.
Does he have a mallet?
No.
So then how does he get hit in the head?
He doesn't get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way - come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.
Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Oh, for God's sake.
[Cut to Jay and Gloria talking to the camera]
Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won't lie, it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers.
No I didn't.
It's a joke.
I don't get it.
Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.
[To Gloria] I have to get old...You don't have to get fat.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Modern Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
