S2 E17 Two Monkeys and a Panda
[playing with Lily on his lap as Mitchell comes in] Hey daddy, how was the farmer's market?
Well, it was great but...guess what the new spinach is?
[pulling a bunch out of his basket] Kale!
I know, I was just as blown away as you are.
Well, I guess we're going to have to...[leans close to Lily, claps and speaks in a very happy voice] ...adopt , yay, a new attitude towards kale. Maybe we'll even adopt!! [clap clap clap] a new vinaigrette! Adopt! Yaaay!
I'm taking the negative charge out of the word adopted [to Lily] Yay!
Well, she had a girl on who, at sixteen, found out that she was [covers Lily's ears] adopted and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper. And not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.
Alright, go get your gavel, Judge Judy
No, not at all. I'm adopting [cheers, Cam claps near Lily] a tolerant attitude towards your flights of lunacy.
S2 E18 Boy's Night
Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things. Have I told you the story about me and crab cakes? Thought I didn't like them, tried them, loved them.
Wow! Are the movie rights available for that one?
S2 E19 The Musical Man
Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?
You do it all the time! And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams....I heard it as soon as I said it, just leave it alone.
We've been dropping by unannounced to quietly assess all the candidates.
Yes, not all the candidates. We can't just drop by Missourah.
That's Missouri. No one from Missouri says Missourah.
I'm sorry, did we come by at a bad time?
Try coming back seven years and five months from now when they're all gone!
I just don't think Jay is the best one to raise Lily.
You know, Cam, he raised me.
Oh, now you've put me in an awkward position.
Honey, I love you, but you have to learn to say no to people.
All right. Ask me if you can go golfing.
Did you finish your milkshake?
I think that's the problem.
G Guillermo
Last year, 4 billion dollars was spent on dog training.
G Guillermo
I know; I was just as surprised as you are.
Yeah; you were surprised because it's not true.
G Guillermo
So what is this multi-billion dollar industry missing?
But I was going to take Luke and Manny go-karting for their good report cards.
What was good about Luke's report card?
Okay, Lily, I'm going to push you one more time. Now, don't kick me, okay? Lily! I said don't kick me! Okay?
You know it's your own fault that's happening. Why don't you trying standing behind her?
Oh, really. I ain't the gettin' kicked.
Why are you following me?
why are you fightin' me here, gorgeous? This works.
I really, really don't appreciate you calling me 'gorgeous'. I just wanna enjoy time with my family, so if you don't mind...
Not a problem. See you around, sunshine.
L Lily
Hee hee. You kissed the boy.
No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily? Boy kissed me.
What are you talking about?
I had it all planned out. It was supposed to be special: someone with a high GPA and a bright future. Not a Mario brother.
Fine. You know what, I don't even want your kiss. Here you can have it back.
Keep it. I don't, I don't want it anymore.
I looked it up. The distance between our houses is 2,443 miles.
Yeah, but on some maps, that's like, pfft, this big.
Okay, huddle up everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.
She just said that mom was Blind Side.
She's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played Tight End.
Sorry, African-American kid.
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