Mitchell Pritchett quotes from Modern Family

Claire

So where is she? Where's Mom?

Jay

Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.

Mitchell

[to Claire] I thought she was coming with you.

Claire

Oh no no, I haven't seen Mom since, let's see....oh! she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night!

Jay

What!?!

Mitchell

No my god!!

Claire

Yeah, yeah. And then, she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep and then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie!"

Jay

What the hell is she doing, he's half her age!

Jay

Don't say it.

Gloria

[slurringly] I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful, it has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be...that is the question.

Claire

Dad, what's going on over there?

Jay

She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax and washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Claire

[Talking about her ex-boyfriend] Every time he opens his mouth, I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.

Mitchell

You know, I never liked that guy. He used to always put me in a headlock. It is amazing, the freaks we used to date.

Cameron

[in a faux Cockney accent] 'Ello, guv'nor!

Mitchell

[In disbelief] I gotta jump. [hangs up] Alright... Let's hear it.

Cameron

Sir Fizbolot, royal court jester, at your service. I understand there's a little princess who's in need of a jolly good time!

Mitchell

[copying his faux Cockney accent] No!

Cameron

Your 'ighness said that the clown doesn't fit the princess theme, but methinks that a court jester is right as rain!

Mitchell

There goes the theory that an English accent makes everyone sound smart.

Cameron

[playing with Lily on his lap as Mitchell comes in] Hey daddy, how was the farmer's market?

Mitchell

Well, it was great but...guess what the new spinach is?

Cameron

Umm..radicchio?

Mitchell

[pulling a bunch out of his basket] Kale!

Cameron

[gasps] No!

Mitchell

I know, I was just as blown away as you are.

Cameron

Well, I guess we're going to have to...[leans close to Lily, claps and speaks in a very happy voice]...adopt, yay, a new attitude towards kale. Maybe we'll even adopt!! [clap clap clap] a new vinaigrette! Adopt! Yaaay!

Mitchell

K, what's going on here?

Cameron

I'm taking the negative charge out of the word adopted [to Lily] Yay!

Mitchell

What did Oprah do now?

Cameron

Well, she had a girl on who, at sixteen, found out that she was [covers Lily's ears] adopted and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper. And not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.

Mitchell

[strained grin] Okay.

Cameron

Alright, go get your gavel, Judge Judy

Mitchell

No, not at all. I'm adopting [cheers, Cam claps near Lily] a tolerant attitude towards your flights of lunacy.

Cameron

[to Lily] Adopting! Yay!

Cameron

Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?

Mitchell

I do not.

Cameron

You do it all the time! And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams....I heard it as soon as I said it, just leave it alone.

Mitchell

We've been dropping by unannounced to quietly assess all the candidates.

Cameron

Not all the candidates!

Mitchell

Yes, not all the candidates. We can't just drop by Missourah.

Cameron

That's Missouri. No one from Missouri says Missourah.

Mitchell

I'm so sorrah.

Mitchell

I'm sorry, did we come by at a bad time?

Claire

Try coming back seven years and five months from now when they're all gone!

Cameron

I just don't think Jay is the best one to raise Lily.

Mitchell

You know, Cam, he raised me.

Cameron

Oh, now you've put me in an awkward position.

Mitchell

When you come back, there will be a great, big mess waiting for you.

Cameron

And I will give him a great, big hug.

Mitchell

We would have been here sooner, but this one had a wardrobe crisis.

Cameron

You know, it's a somber occasion, and all my tops are too joyful.

Mitchell

You do not want our problems.

Mitchell

We're interviewing prospective mothers for adoption.

Cameron

It's quite an ordeal. You want to look good, make a good first impression. It's kind of like going on a first date.

Mitchell

Actually, it's the opposite of a first date. You don't want to have sex, but you do want to have a baby.