Misfits · Season 1
[After Rudy Two leaves] You know, this is your fucking fault, this is, eh. You're just filling his head with all these big ideas. He's going off being his own person, doing his own fucking thing. Do you know what you're doing? You're trying to spilt up the band. Me and him are the fucking Beatles, mate, and you're just that yodelling Chinese woman.
Yoko Ono?
Yeah.
She's Japanese.
Is she?
You fuckin' lied to me!
Dude, I didn't, man. Technically that's inaccurate, cos I... I fuckin' offered to buy you a Bounty bar, for God's sake. I was telling you the truth. You just... you just... you didn't believe me, Finn.
And d'you know why? Because I didn't think you'd do that to me.
Come on, man. Don't be like this. Come to Uncle Rudy for a bit.
Don't think that you can just laugh it off. Fuck me over and then make a joke out of it. And you know what? I know you probably won't give a shit, because you've got Jess now. But as far as friendship goes, you and me, we're finished! Enjoy the fuckin' party! [Walks away]
Finn? [Kicks chair] Fuck! Fuck's sake.
I don't think they're coming.
They said they'd be here.
If they can't even be bothered to show up on time, they can both fuck off!
[Walks up behind] Nice!
[Turns around] Who are you?
I'm the one that you just told to fuck off.
Er, this is Helen. It's the one I was telling you about.
Congratulations, mate. She's a charmer.
We're just... We're just waiting on Karen now. She should be here any minute, running a bit late.
[Becomes reverses invisiblity sitting on a bench] I'm here.
Oh, my God! Have you been spying on us?
No, I just... I got here early. I didn't want people to see me hanging round on my own.
What did she say?
I wasn't spying on you.
I can't understand what she's saying.
She said she wasn't spying on you.
Er, Karen... [motions to Helen] do you want to tell them about your power?
I can blend into my surroundings. Hide in plain sight.
We'll have to sort out subtitles or something, cos I can't hear a word of it.
Let's... Come on, let's go and... let's go and have a drink, guys. [Walks away with Helen following] Do you want a drink? Come on, Karen.
[Walks out with Sarah sighing onto lakesides promenade] Relax. I am... I am not following you. I just came to get some air. Is that? Is that all right?
Be my guest. [Alex walks up to her] Sorry about the other day. It's just this year has been... a fucking nightmare, the power thing. I had to stop seeing my dad. He just couldn't stop staring at them.
Oh, shit, mate! Oh, I didn't even think about that! Nobody needs their dad staring at their tits, do they?
No.
D'you wanna go and get a drink?
What kind of a drink? Like a date drink, or a drink drink?
Well, I was just thinking... a drink with alcohol in.
All right. But it isn't a date.
All right, fine. It's not a date.
[Walks up to Rudy One at a rave party in community centre] Rudy One or Rudy Two?
It's Rudy! It's just Rudy! I'm Ghostbusters, he's Ghostbusters II, and everybody knows Ghostbusters II was a right piece of shit!
I quite liked it.
You fucking would, wouldn't you?
Do you know ecstasy reverses your power? Whatever your power is, it makes it do the opposite.
That's a good fact. All right, stay off the pills, stick to the friggin' heroin, then. [Sees Jess[ Oh, fuck! Jess! [Gets up] Shit! [Throws ecstasy pill upwards which lands in Greg's hand who takes it]
My mate... he got turned into an agent of Satan and I had to fuck him in the arse.
Oh, nice!
Yeah. Oh, and I almost, almost shagged a tortoise once.
So, you do draw the line at shagging animals? Good to know.
Er, so, you, are you... seeing anyone... at the moment, or?
Well, when I had my power, it was kinda hard to tell the good guys from the wankers and there have been a lot of wankers.
Yeah.
[Unbuttons her sweater] Problem?
Oh, God! Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! Er, it's just now that I know I'm not supposed to look at them... all I want to do is look at them. You know when you see a dead cat in the road and you don't want to look at it but then the more that you try and stop yourself, the more that you can't help it?
Okay. Well, urn, how about I give you one free look, then? Seeing as you took my power.
That would... That would be great.
Happy now?
Awesome. So shall I compliment you on them?
Let's just leave the tits, shall we? [Gets her drink] Same again? [Walks away]
Hm. Hm...
[Walking alongside Abbey] So, this is what you're doing while I'm in your locker eating lettuce.
More or less. [Enters locker room] No, let's check the, er... [sees Sarah in front of her, to Mark] Don't listen to her Latin, don't look at her tits. [To Sarah] Your devil tits don't work on me. I'm a girl.
Guess I'm just gonna have to turn your boyfriend inside out, then. [Turns Mark into a skinless corpse] Now I've got your full attention... Ecce satanas meo, sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus...
[Appears behind Sarah] So this has been a pretty weird date. [She turns around] Not that it's a date.
[Finn and Rudy enter] Leave him. He's mine. What's the matter, Alex? Don't you trust yourself? What's going to happen if you... have a little look? It's just a pair of tits. And you're one of the good guys, remember? You're not some weak, pathetic animal who's ruled by his urges.
There was a girl I used to know. Emma. She was like you. She was a good person who just got the wrong power. She was accident prone. Wasn't her fault. It was just bad things used to happen to her. I'm so sorry, Sarah. You didn't deserve any of this.
Oh... I get it. I'm supposed to slip on the banana skin. Any other bright ideas? [Ceiling fluorescent light bar becomes disattached and comes down on her head] Agh!
[Rudy walks out on rooftop] Where the fuck have you been?! So is that what's gonna happen if we do have a baby?! You're just going to disappear and leave me to fend for myself?
Fuckin' hell. I don't know.
You don't know?
No!
That's great! That is very reassuring!
Honestly. If you want someone who's going to be a good dad and look after this fucking baby then you've got the wrong Rudy 'cause I'm the shit one! Or don't you remember that?
What are you saying?
I'm saying it's too fucking much, man. I can't... I just can't handle it. I'm sorry. [Walks away]
FUCK YOU! Fucking coward!
[Rudy is under a motorway flyover with Sam, Karen and Helen sitting after having buried Tim]
What the fuck have we done?
Look... look, Tim was out of control... and we have done the right thing! It's the jumper and it has started and still none of you believe me. Well, this is... This is our destiny! [Puts out hand] Come on.
Why not? [Gets up and puts hand on Rudy's hand with Karen and Helen getting up putting their hands on the hand stack]
We're getting a better name. We're gonna be unstoppable.
Do you know... What today is?
Tuesday?
Today... is the last day of your community service. It's all over.
Seriously?
Are you kidding?
Now you had a chance to do something positive. To give something back, to help people, to really make a difference to their lives. You've failed. Dismally. Do you want to know what the real tragedy is? This moment, right here, right now... this is as good as it gets for you.
I like the idea of being a nurse. Or a shepherd.
What qualifications do you need to be a shepherd?
You need a crop. Well-trained border collie, and a profound love of sheep, love.
I'll tell you where I'm not gonna be in a year's time, and that is working behind a bar.
I, for one, will be enjoying my life [pulls out a scratch card out of his pocket] as a multi-millionaire!
[Walks in wearing pajamas] Do you know, what I was doing, when you so... rudely interrupted me?
I'm guessing it wasn't showering?
I was 19. And a half hours into a Murder She Wrote marathon.
Jess is back.
Where is she?
She's in the shitter. She said something about some bloke who's thrown her forward through time. [Rudy is sobbing]
You okay?
[Crying] I'm fine. I'm fine. So, the worm's returned, [moving his finger like a worm] with her fucking bushy tail between her legs. It's too late, guys. It's too late. Because I've forgot about her very existence. [Crying again] She's back! Jessica's back. Oh, man. [Collapses on the floor crying]
[Rudy still on the floor crying] Is he having a mental breakdown?
Rudy?
Oh, Jess.
You look like shit.
It's been a bit of a rough year. My vigorous grooming and personal hygiene regime might have... slipped, just a bit.
You're telling me the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles never killed some ignorant fucker for dropping litter or shitting in the street? No, they didn't.
Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael would never have done any of them things. They lived by a code!
Okay. Bad example.
I deliberately pissed myself. [To Helen] You've just been killed by my weak infantile bladder.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
