William Murderface quotes from Metalocalypse

Murderface

[whispering] Hey, whatcha readin' there?

Nathan

[whispering] Nothin', just...hey man, why don't you brush your teeth?

Murderface

Ate her husband in soup...

Pickles

That is so totally Cannibal Corpse.

Murderface

[talking about being governor] We don't fill out paper work, and fill out government forms, and wear suits and ties like...grr, dildos! [realizes; to Offdensen] No offense!

None taken.

Being governor has its advantages. You could be quite powerful.

Nathan

Oh really?! And I could just put all my friends in charge of everything, and I could just rape and pillage the economy, and line my pockets with money, and I could go mad with power?

You actually could do that, you know... it's technically-

Murderface

I WANNA BE IN CHARGE OF THE NATIONAL GUARD!

Nathan

Alright you got it!

Toki

I WANTS TO HELPS PEOPLE!

Nathan

YOU GOT IT!

Murderface

I NEED A SECRETARY!

Nathan

YOU GOT IT!

Pickles

I WANNA BE THE AMBASSADOR OF CHINA!

Nathan

YOU GOT IT!

Skwisgaar

I wants no parts of dis, dis ams craps! Governments!

Pickles

Dude, Skwisgaar, you know that Florida has the highest population of old ladies in old lady homes?

Murderface

You could be in charge of old... you know what!

Skwisgaar

Then, I WILLS BE IN CHARGE OF DATS! DEMS OLD LADIES!

Nathan

YOUUU GOT IT!

Nathan

Get me the weather burrow...uh, bureau.

But that's where we are, sir.

Nathan

Excellent, outstanding, good. I command you to destroy the hurricane.

Toki

Yeah, use your weather controlling machines!

People can't destroy hurricanes, sir.

Nathan

Alright, uh... Knock it off course. Do that.

I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.

Nathan

Dammit! We've tried everything.

Murderface

Not EVERYTHING... (everyone stares at Murderface)

Murderface

Well, not EVERYthing. I mean, not LITERALLY "everything"...

Nathan

Well, I didn't mean literally everything.

Murderface

You SAID literally everything!

Have you activated the emergency alert system?

Toki

Oh I hate that, that "beeeeeeeeeeep!"

Nathan

Oh yeah, that "beeeeeeeeeep!"

"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"

Nathan

Nope, no way.

All alert systems have been looted and robbed.

Nathan

They stole the "beep?!"

Toki

Why woulds they steals the "beeps?"

Murderface

People are so low.

Pickles

I'd steal that.

Nathan

What the fuck do you guys even do here?

We name the hurricanes, sir.

Pickles

You name the hurricane, that's your job?

What should we name this hurricane, sir?

Nathan

Name the hurricane. Huh. Uhhhhhhhhh....hmmmmm. How about....uh...Scrambles? Scrambles the...uhh...the Death Dealer.

Nathan

This race is a total catastrophy. [referring to Murderface; who is still feeling the effects from his pill and playing bass with his penis] Let's get him to shit his pants!

Pickles

SHIT YOUR PANTS!

Murderface

[mumbling incoherently, eyes rolling, and drooling] I SHIT MY PANTS!

Murderface

Oh, it's like a NASCAR...type...theatrical...hybrid event! With cars!

So it's a car race?

Murderface

Yeah!

I'm confused, you want to do a car race?

Murderface

Yeah....well- but no! Not just a car race, a car event! It's like Medieval times...

Okay, so there's like knights, and horses, and jousting-

Murderface

No! Well, maybe, maybe! But-...guys help me out here...

Pickles

[reading a newspaper] I'll help you out...Murderface is trying to tell you...his idea....about....you know...whatever...

Murderface

Thank you Pickles.

What does this have to do with Dethklok?

Pickles

We are Dethklok!

Murderface

I'm in Dethklok!

Pickles

I'm Pickles the drummer

Nathan

I'm Nathan Explosion, from Dethklok

Pickles

I'm Pickles the drummer from Dethklok it's me telling it to you.

I know! But what does this have to do with the music?

Murderface

Who cares about the music?!

Well your audience cares-

Murderface

Well, fuck the audience, FUCK THEM!

Are you guys truly on board with this idea?

Nathan

[short pause] Yeah, I could take it or leave it.

Pickles

Me too.

Good day then. [leaves]

Murderface

Fine. Motherfucking fine! It's my time to shine and you're jealous! Nothing can stop me from producing the world's greatest...NASCAR-type theatrical hybrid event the world's ever seen! [Nathan and Pickles give Murderface no attention whatsoever] Oh, fuck.

Murderface!

Murderface

Oh hi!

What are you doing in here?

Murderface

Just getting my work done.

Getting your work done- well what work are you doing right now?

Murderface

Uhhhh, you know, for the show. Everything.

Alright, well the impression I'm getting from you is that you don't know what you're doing.

Murderface

[muttering] No I don't. Yeah, that's true.

You're very late approving all the production design. Do you know that?

Murderface

Yeah.

Okay, you have to do that.

Murderface

Yeah.

And you- you've looked at the schedule?

Murderface

Yeah!

Okay, and what do you th-

Murderface

[uninterested] Fine.

Y-you approve the schedule-?

Murderface

It's approved!

You have a press conference... in five minutes. Okay, this is the associated press, alright? You know who that is?

Murderface

Yeah.

It's a lot of people, alright?

Murderface

Associated press...

They're confused by your idea.

Murderface

Confused...

So you have to set them straight. Okay?

Murderface

Yeah.

And you'll remember to do the insurance?

Murderface

Yeah, I got it.

You should do that now.

Murderface

Yeah, I'll do it now.

Okay? We'll do it right after the press conference, okay?

Murderface

Right after the press conference.

Okay.

Murderface

Okay!

I did my job.

Murderface

Okay!

Alright, so you all know we are in the middle of building a hospital for the victims of this, uh, public relations disaster.

Nathan

Oh god, that's pandering!

Murderface

Pandering!

Well I don't see it as pandering, it's a hospital for horribly injured victims of, uh, these explosions.

Skwisgaar

Hey! Thats not ours faults, we didn'ts do that!

Well, they are your fans, and they, uh, have been badly injured, some killed, uh, trying to buy your, uh, collectible coffee cups. Maybe you could show a little compassion.

Murderface

Compassion?!?

Nathan

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! I got no sympathy for anyone! I got one of these darn summer colds. I mean, where is my benefit concert? I mean is there anything worse?

Murderface

See that's something you have compassion for, summer cold. You can relate, you can relate to, see you can't relate to your arms being blown off! You can't!

Well, uh, maybe being blown to bits is worse then a summer cold?

Nathan

Oh come on...

Skwisgaar

Mr. Robotos whens dids yous comes so carings about stuffs? Ares yous drunks or somethings?

No i'm not drunk, I'm just, uh, trying to, you know, repair your image.

Murderface

Repair our image with health care!?

Nathan

(mumble)

Toki

Why's we's gots to spends our hard earnds money on medical stuff for peoples we don't even know.

Nathan

Oh god this mother fucking eye gouging cock sucking mother fucking summer cold. Its driving me crazy over here!

You're not dying, it's just a cold.

Nathan

I think we are dying. I really don't feel great.

Did you ever have colds before?

Nathan

No.

Toki

Can'ts you gives us injections?

Murderface

Yeah, use your fancy degrees, asshole!

Take it easy, all right? No drinking, no partying...[grabs a cigar from Pickles] Gimme that cigar!

Pickles

That's my cigar...

Just take it easy. Go the sauna, sweat it out, and relax, okay? Take it easy. Idiots.

Pickles

Hey guys, how are your guys doing? You know, your leeches?

Skwisgaar

[using leeches to create the appearance of black sideburns] Looks at me, I'ms Elvis Presleys!

Nathan

[using leeches to create a thin Van Dyck] Hey, look at me, I'm that guy from, uh, that movie where the guy wore that mask, and, uh, Natalie Portman was in it...

Toki

[laughing] Yeahs, it's just likes him! It's awesome!

Nathan

Check it out. [laughs]

Pickles

[using leeches to create the appearance of eye black] Look, I'm a professional NFL football player!

Skwisgaar

[using more leeches to create a mustache] Hey, looks at mes! I'm Leech Charlies Chaplins!

Murderface

You're Leech Hitler!

Nathan

Hey, Murderface, do like a Leech Al Jolson.

Murderface

OK, Leech Al Jolson, coming up! Gimme more! [reaches into the leech bucket and throws a handful onto his face, completely obscuring it except for the eyes and mouth, and begins singing à la Uncle Remus] Mammy! I'm from Alabam-ie! [normal voice] Leech Al Jolson!

Nathan

Now, that guy was an entertainer.

Murderface

Oh, you got that right!

Toki

Yeah, he was the first greats blacks entertainer!

Toki

Slut! She sluts! Look at her!

Murderface

Take it easy, man. You don't call women bad names, man, that's women. You gotta respect them.

Pickles

What are you talkin' about?

Murderface

What?

Pickles

Nothin', I just always pinned you as a classic woman-hater.

Murderface

That's disappointing, Pickles, that you would just blindly label a person like that. That's just pretty disappointing.

Skwisgaar

Well, you ams the ones who walks around saying they're, I don't know, poisonous serpents with tits.

Murderface

Yeah, so?

Pickles

What do you mean, yeah so? You said that about women and now you're defending them a lot!

Murderface

Okay, fine. Look, you guys. I may have said some kooky things about the ladies, but that was before. You've gotta defend their honor. Like a hero.

Pickles

And?

Murderface

And what?

Skwisgaar

Ya, you defends their honors in the eyes of the womens, and then what happens?

Murderface

Well...then they sleep with you.

Pickles

Ah yeah, I knew it!

Skwisgaar

That's his angles! Rights theres!

Toki

Ooh, busteds!

Murderface

Oh, come on.

Pickles

Another cheap ploy to trick the girls into sleeping with you by pretending to be valiant!

Murderface

So?

Skwisgaar

Classics Murderface!

Nathan

Wow...I never actually knew that a cock-block could save your life...thank you Murderface.

Murderface

That's okay man, I'm a hero. I'M A REAL HERO!

Charles

Sorry I'm late, I was addressing the new uh, klokateers...

Murderface

Hey. Hey.

Charles

You know, potential-

Murderface

Hey!

Charles

Yes?

Murderface

Gimme fifty thousand dollars.

Charles

Well uh, what do you need it for?

Murderface

For fucking Doritos! What difference does it make?!

Charles

Well you've uh, been given your hundred thousand dollar allowance for the week, so-

Murderface

So what?! Come on fucking give me my money, man! Cough it up! [continuing to talk over Charles] Aww, fuck that, why can't I have my fucking money?! That's mine!

Charles

All of you are wasting money by not having finished this record, that's a big deal guys, you're doing anything but recording! All right? That's what I'm-

Nathan

So what, by sitting here, we're wasting money?

Charles

Yes.

Nathan

We should be saving money by not doing anything, not wasting it!

Pickles

Yeah, that doesn't make sense! Are you sure you know what you're talking about?

Charles

[annoyed] Yes, I do know what I'm talking about, you are killing your own business!

Murderface

Oh God, you're boring me to to death with business! God!

Charles

Well this isn't boring to me guys, all right?! I want you all to listen up! This is important stuff, all right?! If you continue to not record, your money, YOUR money, will continue to dwindle!

Nathan

How do you know that?

Charles

How do I know- Because it's my job to know! I work with money, it's my job!

Pickles

How long have you known that our money is dwindling? I mean, it sounds like you're keeping stuff from us, right?

Toki

He's keepings it!

Skwisgaar

Yeah, he's keepings it froms us.

Murderface

Yeah, it's very suspicious.

Charles

No, I'm telling you about it right now, that's what I'm doing, I'm telling you about these things.

Nathan

Yeah, but how long have you known about the stuff that we don't know about that you're starting to tell us about?

Pickles

[suspiciously] Yeah.

Charles

Look I've tried to keep you guys in the loop of the business, I have many times, but-

Murderface

BUT WHAT?!

Charles

...But you guys have a very short attention span.

Nathan

[offended] NO WE'RE NOT!

Charles

No you're not what- Wh-What does that mean- That's not even a response to what I was saying!

Murderface

Quit confusing things!

Pickles

No we're not!

Toki

No we's not at all!

Charles

You're not what?!

Toki

He's gots to admits it! He's on the ropes!

Murderface

Yeah!

Charles

We're arguing two different things here!

Murderface

Well we're not!