Oh, Al, you fell.
Al (as he gets into bed): Yes, Peg, I did. (Peg makes a kissy face at Al and eyes him suggestively): But obviously not far enough.
S4 E13Who'll Stop The Rain
Peg (to Kelly and Bud): Now, Daddy's going to fall off the roof again. You know what to do.
Kelly and Bud (in unison): Get the camera.
Peg (shakes her head): No. We already have enough pictures of Daddy on the floor in the wedding album.
As God is my witness, I'll never be wet again!
S4 E14A Taxing Problem
It's a good thing I did the taxes. If claiming two children as dependents gets you $300, imagine what 23 kids is worth!
The gas chamber?
(Bud comes in with Buck on a leash and a scooper in his hand)
So, how'd it go?
Ah, he's still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear him to the prom.
You mean to tell me he didn't react at all to the picture of you naked? 'Cuz just the thought of it would work for me.
S4 E15Rock And Roll Girl
Gee, that's nice. Well, Al. Maybe now you can take down that bumper sticker that says, "Support Higher Education: Send a Cop to First Grade."
S4 E16You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 1
I want a vacation.
Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?
God, I hate men!
I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.
TATV Announcer
Today on Becky: Men: Scum or Slime?
(Peg grimaces and changes the channel)
TATV Announcer #2
Today on Lorraine: Men: Couldn't You Just Puke?
(Peg, still unsatisfied, changes the channel again)
TATV Announcer #3
Today on Sharon: Men: Upright Dogs With Paychecks?
Peg (changes the channel again): That's what I hate about this time of year: nothing on but reruns.
Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat, 'cuz we're going to Vegas!
(Bud and Kelly exchange glances as the episode ends on a freeze-frame with the words, "TO BE CONTINUED", on the bottom of the screen)
S4 E17You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 2
YYummy
I love a man who's on top of things.
And I love a woman with things on top.
Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.
S4 E18What Goes Around Comes Around
Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?
Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.
Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.
And if you wanna talk about "flying wedge," let's talk about my mother-in-law. People overuse the phrase, "as big as the Earth," but kids, try to picture everyone you've ever known under one muu-muu.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.