LLuke
[to Al] The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.
S1 E10Al Loses His Cherry
Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?
LLuke
I don't know, but I do.
S1 E11Nightmare on Al's Street
I thought you liked the Cubs.
I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.
In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.
Why?
Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.
(Al dips his finger in his juice and licks it)
Mmm, I'm full. Peg, as usual, every day's Thanksgiving.
S1 E12Where's the Boss
It's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.
All right, who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blonde, 16, looks 30, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please"?!
Hey Al, isn't she the one who got wedged in the escalator?
FWFat Woman
You must be the wife.
And you must be why they're starving in China.
S1 E13Johnny Be Gone
Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.
How long does it take to dry a dress?
In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.
I have an announcement: "Shut up."
Never wanted to get married - I'm married, never wanted to have kids - I got two of 'em. How the hell did this happen?
(Al goes to the telephone and makes a call)
Hello Spike? Al. Listen, Is 'No Jaw' McKenzie there? Yeah the one with no jaw. Is she there!? Great, er, listen she's got number 110, tell her I'll trade my number 50 for it, OK?
Come on Peg, the fries aren't getting any younger. And neither are you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.