I'm getting an exercise room.
Not a chance!
Look, Marcy is on my side! She makes the money, she has the power!
Oh yeah? I make the money and I have no power.
S1 E4Whose Room Is It Anyway?
Okay everyone, gather around. I want you to watch me pay these bills.
S1 E5Have You Driven a Ford Lately
It's not just a car, honey -- it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.
Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these [gesturing at their wives] are our mothers.
S1 E6Sixteen Years And What Do You Get
[Reading the title of a book he was given] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life." My God.
So where's my anniversary gift?
Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.
A can of motor oil?
40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.
S1 E7Married... Without Children
You are the biggest -- by the way, do you have cable?
No.
The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.
I've gotta find a place where I can watch the fight so I can get out of this.
Al, I've got the answer to all your problems. Well, not all your problems, but this problem.
S1 E8The Poker Game
LLisa
No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.
A bubbling cauldron?
LLisa
You've got a lot of nerve.
I need it to get this close to your feet.
Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?
Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.
[with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.
[surprised] You wouldn't mind?
S1 E9Peggy Sue Got Work
Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure. So when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family -- and try not to laugh.
[to Peg] You can't have a VCR.
What gives you the right to make that decision?
Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it -- maybe -- because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.
You know, Al, this is probably none of my business but there are advantages to having a working wife. For one thing, it gave us enough money to buy the house next to yours. No, wait, that's a disadvantage.
So Al, how's Peggy's new job working out?
(sarcastic) Oh, great Steve. Yeah, she's pulling a clear $90 a week. Of course, she spent $400 a week. Yeah, she needed a new smock at Mulden's. Of course, she needed some new clothes and she wanted some new shoes.
Well, that's no problem. You sell shoes.
No, she wanted good shoes. Well, I figured if she keeps working any longer, we'll be living in the gutter. But actually, I won't be living in the gutter. I'll be in prison for killing your wife!
Well, before you go down that long, lonesome road, Al. Why don't you try this? Ask Peggy to quit.
No, I can't do that! Well, see the truth is, I like having her at home.
Well, she love to hear that.
Yeah, I'm sure she would. But, I'm not going to tell her. Cause, I would have nothing to complain about and I like complaining. Nah, if I got her to quit, she'd lord it over me for the rest of my life. Yeah, she'd say "I wanted to work, but you want me home. Now I'm home, so shut up!". And that would be the end of all my fun in the marriage. Nah, I got to think of another way.
Ah, gee, Al, I don't like to butt into your business...
No, go ahead. Pretend you're your wife.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.