Dewey, I said "NO"! Do you wanna be grounded like your brothers?
No.....
S3Health Scare
How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!
Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard about a little mud on the floor!
You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?
What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
Keep it cool!
You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
[calm] Can I have a napkin?
I cannot believe you two!
Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!
You can't do that!
You're crazy!
You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!
This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!
[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen, stricken that the boys are unaware that Hal may have an illness]
What was that all about?
I dunno. Usually, she just says "I'm taking you with me!"
S3Christmas
Oh, hi, mom. How nice to see you home
I have HAD IT!
[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]
Mom, what are you doing?
I am taking everything! Every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.
She's stealing Christmas.
Mom, you can't do this.
Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.
WHAT?!
If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!
[to Lois] You wouldn't cancel Christmas! You're bluffing.
[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking and Lois looks on in sadistic satisfaction knowing her threat of cancelling Christmas will come true.]
[In the last flashback, Lois and Hal are seen running around in front of a burning Christmas tree form the boys' prank]
Who did this?! Who did this!
Drop and roll honey!
WHO DID THIS!!!!!!
For God's sake, honey. Drop and roll.
[Francis has found a closet of Christmas gifts Ida has kept for petty offences]
Oh my God, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil but you are nuts!
What are you talking about?
Grandma, gifts aren't conditional; they're gifts! You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them; they don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?!
A lonely, bitter old woman [she sits down]
What?
Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness; instead, they rot here. [Ida clutches her heart]
Grandma?
My heart...I think it's...melting! [Francis rolls his eyes] Yes, it's melting! You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me! Quick, go get my magic sled, and me and my reindeer will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!
S3Poker
[At Francis' cabin in Alaska, a storm is blowing. Lavernia drops off a crate of supplies].
LLavernia
Weather report's right, this storm's gonna last a week. Now you ration these supplies, and make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out!
Francis [incredulous]: We're supposed to survive a week on meat paste and caribou jerky!?
LLavernia
Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No one's crying for me!
S3Reese's Job
BBarton
Wow, an entire colony of Cryphonectria parasitica.
RRichie
Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.
Before we go any further, is there anything you want to tell me?
I want a beagle.
[angry]: Well, you're not going to get it, you little sneak!!
S3Lois's Makeover
Yes.
That's 14-13.. We're up. Game point.
Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight which is just going to make it all the more painful when I crush you like bugs. Score, yeah! Whoops. Ha, tie game. Next basket wins. My ball.
We have to do the play.
We can't. We only practiced it once.
It won't work.
It will work. We just got to believe.
It's go time, ladies.
The future is now, old man.
[to Mr. Fisher] A prostitute. This guy was convinced I was a prostitute. You know, ever since I got your stupid report I have been feeling like everything I ever believed in was wrong. Well, I think this little incident fives both of us some much-needed clarity. I'm going to go home now. I'm going to wash my face and when I come to work tomorrow, I'm going to do the same extraordinarily good job I've been doing all these years. I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara and if the mood strikes me, a hair clip, and that's it. And if that's not good enough for you, so be it. Thank you. [Lois leaves. Mr Fisher stares at the man who approached Lois]
FMr. Fisher
Well Steve, are you going to tell my sister or should I?
S3Company Picnic (Part 1)
What do you think? This or this?
What are you doing?!
This is an important function. It's a company picnic. Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet. Gotta start off on the right foot.
You're making too much of this.
No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression. It sets the tone for the relationship.
[Hal's montage with new employers]
MManager
Hal, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.
PMiss Plum
Great to meet you, Hal. I'm looking forward to working with you.
Same here, and what do we have here?
PMiss Plum
My big fat stomach.
M2Manager #2
I'd like you to meet my staff, but I'm not sure where they are.
It is great to meet you, Mr.Jacobson. I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
JMr. Jacobson
Great, have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
No, I haven't .
JMr. Jacobson
Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
Hi. I'm Hal.
KKelly
Hi, so nice to... [Hal tries to shake her hand, but she hits her head on the catering table and falls to the ground.] Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!
SSteve
She's gushing blood! Somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!
KKelly
I'm outside of my body. I can see a light. Grandma, is that you?
SSteve
You son of a bitch! I'll chew off your face, spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you! (The other employees start fighting to Hal) I'm gonna drag your carcass to the street. She's got a toothpick in her eye!
LLaurie
Malcolm, can I ask you something?
Sure.
LLaurie
if you liked somebody, and you had no idea if they liked you back, would you say something?
I've always thought honesty was a good thing.
LLaurie
Me, too. But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?
I like you, too, Laurie. I really like you.
LLaurie
Honestly, you have no idea.
I've liked you for years. I think about you all the time.
LLaurie
Oh, no!
What?
LLaurie
oh, my God! I am so sorry! I was talking about Gary Spindler! Oh, no!
It's okay.
LLaurie
No! This is so humiliating! It's all my fault. Malcolm, I am so sorry!
Really, it's not that. ..
TLTwo-Legged Race Instructor
Malcolm and Laurie. Remember, you're only going to be tied together for three hours, so let's get hopping.
S3Company Picnic (Part 2)
Hey, I want candy!
What did I tell you? Sit in that chair and wait until the picnic is over!
MSMeg's Husband
Excuse me? Are you Lois?
Yes.
MSMeg's Husband
Where do you get off talking to my wife about my mother?! I wet my bed every night until I was 16. Mt mother changed those sheets for years and never said a word! I don't care if they get along. My mother's important to me. I didn't say anything about your mother! By the way, I don't have a porn problem! She introduced it into our home! I don't have any interest. It was her idea and now I'm the pervert! I don't know what it is in porn. Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance.
Mom, you don't have to hold on to me, I'll be good.
OK.
MMeg
Lois!
You don't have to thank me. Let me enjoy the rest of the picnic.
MMeg
You told my husband I was insane and should be committed!
I didn't say that! How does letting him video-tape you in bed help our marriage?
MMeg
What?! I didn't tell him!
You've gotta stop this! I don't have time for my own family's problems without listen to you two nutcases! So why don't you just... [Meg smacks Lois in the face]
Oh! I don't think you understood me. [Lois slaps Meg in the face, then they start fighting.]
S3Reese Drives
[Hal and Francis are talking on the phone]
You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!
I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.
No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.
I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-
[Hal hangs up]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.