My ex made me see a shrink.
Now that was money well spent.
Twice a week I used to get on the couch, tell him how the head of the orphanage used to get a kick out of beating me with his shoe.
[laughs] That sounds like Oliver Twist.
[laughs] It is!
S14 E4Shrunk
CCutler
Cole Porter's lucky he's gone, what with the dearth of respect you show men of the theater.
Cole Porter didn't have a dead woman in his townhouse, Lisa.
CCutler
John Myers? Please. He's as likely to have killed somebody as...
Sweeney Todd?
MMyers
I got six Tonys, two Pulitzers and a mom who killed my dad. That's some resume. They let my mom go to my dad's funeral. She had chains on her wrists. And she turned to me and said, "That's the last ball game he'll ever watch."
S14 E5Blaze
Twenty-three people are dead because of an opera?
The Germans. Whaddaya gonna do?
My father. The only one of my tennis matches he actually came to, he spent doing paperwork. It didn't make me love him less, it just made me try that much harder to make him love me more.
Were you successful?
You should see my backhand.
S14 E6Identity
We've been trying to figure out what to arrest you for. Harboring a fugitive, obstruction of justice, or just being a general pain in the ass.
Got a call from my granddaughter last week. She said, "Grandpa, I think you're getting too old to drive." I said, "Really, sweetie? You think I oughta pack in the 'ol Chevy?" She said, "No, the Chevy's okay. It's the Porsche I worry about."
LLonnie
Do you know why I didn't report this to the police? Because my loving son, who sends me a card on Christmas and maybe a call on my birthday, would have had me put away in some kind of home.
PPaul
At least we'd still own the house.
LLonnie
It's not what you own, son. It's what you are. I'm just an old man who deserves to die in the bed he worked to pay for. Do you realize what it's like to wake up one day, and everything is gone? That I'm invisible? I've been erased? I worked my whole life. I bought that house. I had no debt. And this man, this monster, pushes a few buttons and poof! It's over. I'm gone. That Hitchens robbed me of me. He stole my soul!
S14 E7Floater
[regarding the Latin crest on the victim's blazer] Loosely translated, it means, "Tuition starts at 20 grand."
Judge Ruth Alexander: Do you know how much money I make?
McCoy: About 100,000.
Judge Ruth Alexander: Ninety-five. Before taxes.
McCoy: That's more than most people. More than me. It's a lot of money.
Judge Ruth Alexander: In New York? And do you know what I pay my worthless jerk of an ex-husband every month? Between that and the taxes, I'm in the red before I even get out of bed in the morning.
McCoy: We know how much money you have. You're a rich woman.
Judge Ruth Alexander: No, I'm not. Not like I should have been. He ruined my life. I wish to God I'd never met him. Took me years to get back to where I started. Then I have to sit here every day and listen to these spoiled rich people arguing about $50,000 a month clothing allowances, horseback riding lessons and Tuscan villas. Why shouldn't I be compensated, having to listen to all that greed and spite and stupidity?
McCoy: "The best interests of the child." Does that phrase mean anything to you?
Judge Ruth Alexander: Of course it does. I never made a ruling that harmed a child.
McCoy: You decided custody cases for money. People at their most vulnerable and desperate. You sold your judgment on the most precious thing in their lives. That kind of corruption is unspeakable.
Judge Ruth Alexander: I never decided any custody case except on its own merits.
McCoy: You took Lena Marchetti's mother from her. What about that child?
Judge Ruth Alexander: Lena Marchetti? What... I didn't... Am I... What are you saying?
McCoy: Patel says he set up the meeting with Arianna the night before per your instructions.
Judge Ruth Alexander: I may have talked to him that night. I don't remember. I'm sure you have the records, but let me remind you that Ravi Patel will say anything to save his own skin.
McCoy: We have forensic evidence. Hair, fingerprints. We can put Arianna Marchetti in your car.
Judge Ruth Alexander: It was an accident. It was an unfortunate, unlucky accident.
McCoy: You just wanted to talk to her. You never meant for that to happen, to harm her in any way.
Judge Ruth Alexander: No. No, I didn't. I'm so sorry. I can't tell you. I never intended to ... I mean, I just wanted to talk to her. I just wanted to reason with her. I just wanted her to see what was best for everyone. But Arianna was just, she was fixated. She just would not let it go. She wouldn't think it through, see the consequences. She was just so obsessed with sticking it to her husband.
Even the wicked get worse than they deserve.
S14 E8Embedded
Always a dime short and a nickel late.
What the hell does that mean?
What do you want from me. It's 2:00 in the morning.
EElliott
America deserves the truth, and that's what I try to report. But what happens when I do? They slam the lid down, ship me out and stick me in a room with 12 guys in uniforms who tell me that if I open my mouth again, I can kiss my career goodbye. We're entitled to a free press, but the government won't allow it.
That doesn't make what you did any less despicable.
EElliott
You want despicable? Despicable is the Pentagon using some fake patriotism to eviscerate the First Amendment, and then using the media to spread that fake patriotism like manure in a garden! Look, you can arrest me, you can charge me with having myself shot, but we both know you can't prove any of it!
Or we can go to the press and expose you as a self-important fraud.
EElliott
Sure you could. But without three confirmations, their lawyers won't let them print any of it. Three cheers for American democracy.
S14 E9Compassion
[pointing to a sign that reads "Pedatric Oncology"] There's two words that should never go together.
Hey, are you a doctor?
MNMale Nurse
No, but you should see my mom smile every time somebody asks that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Law & Order pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.