Law & Order quotes

[after being caught suborning perjury] Thirty years I've been at this. Thirty years trying to knock six months to a year off the sentence of some piece of dirt who, when all is said and done, is gonna rot in Hell anyway. That's some way to measure your life, isn't it? Counting the time that murderers aren't in prison. I have measured out my life in coffee spoons. Couple bucks here and there. A week in Miami Beach twice a year. What about you, Jack? Who are you?

McCoy

I do what my job requires.

That's not enough for me. For once in my sorry life, I dared to eat the peach.

Docket #423763. People vs. Jacqueline Scott. Charge is murder in the first degree.

That's as good as it gets. What's your plea?

Not guilty, your honor.

My client is a valued member of the community. She employs thousands of New Yorkers who depend on her for their salary.

Does she have a cat? I like cats.

Serena

The state asks for remand without bail. Miss Scott's wealth makes her a flight risk.

Since when is financial success a criminal offense?

So, let's say we make her that much less offensive. Bail is set at 2,000,000 cash.

Serena

Your honor, this defendant could hop on a private plane as easily as you and I could get on the subway.

But can she get a cab in the rain? I'll take your passport, too, Miss Scott.

Serena

For added assurance, the People also request an electronic ankle bracelet and house arrest.

Don't fret, Miss Scott. Maybe you can cook up some matching accessories. [bangs gavel] Next.

Do you have any idea how much I pay in city taxes?

Briscoe

I do; I want to thank you for these new shoes.

So what, you get some kind of raise for every brother you bring in?

Green

That's right man, for every 10 I bring in I get an extra day's pay. If he's got a big mouth, I get 2 days. If I bring him in a little bloody, The Man gives me a damn toaster oven!

Tell him there's no one out there gunning for me.

Briscoe

Well, we can't confirm or deny.

Yeah, right. All those parking tickets, I knew I should have worn a Kevlar bra.

Lt. Van Buren

5 hours? I hope to hell he called you in the morning.

Green

Hey, the best way to get a drunk to open his mouth is to let him drink, isn't that right, Lennie?

Briscoe

Hear, hear!

Serena

Not that it matters, but does he feel any kind of remorse at all?

No. Clay Warner couldn't care less about anyone.

McCoy

I can't think of a better candidate for execution.

[examining the victim] Gunshot wound. We need to order an autopsy to determine whether it was self-inflicted.

Briscoe

You think she shot herself before or after she jumped?

McCoy

4 people got on the boat, one got off. The math's not difficult.

I don't like boats. They dropped me off in Greenport. Darrell and everybody were fine.

Serena

Yeah, there is that pirate problem.

Lt. Van Buren

You make one hell of a bad cop!

Briscoe

Practice, practice, practice. I give him about 10 minutes with Ed before he starts to sing.

Lt. Van Buren

Our luck, he sings as bad as he lies.

McCoy

[at a self-proclaimed psychic's trial] So, how will this trial turn out?

Defense attorney

Objection!

Very funny, Mr. McCoy. Please don't do that again.

McCoy

Masters might not be as crazy as he looks. Last year, 50 million people paid 50 bucks to watch 6 psychics talk to George Washington on pay-per-view.

What's the point? I hear the old boy wasn't such a great interview when he was alive.

Briscoe

Were you home all evening, Mr Scofield?

Except for my constitutional, which I take every evening religiously at 8 o'clock.

Green

Your "constitutional"?

Briscoe

You should watch more Masterpiece Theatre, Ed.

McCoy

Scofield has been standing over the oven for twenty-five years. He thought it was about time he got a taste of the pie.

Serena

Now Scofield's out and Anchin's in. That's going to be a hard pill for the parents of the Knowles School to swallow.

Oh, they'll get over it, once they forget about where his money came from.

McCoy

It's the American way: yesterday's robber baron is tomorrow's philanthropist.

Serena

What you're really trying to say is cash trumps merit every time.

And twice on Sundays!

Briscoe

You know, Ed, I've heard about this, but I never thought it could actually happen.

Green

What?

Briscoe

She shopped 'til she dropped.