Judge Goldberg quotes from Law & Order

Serena

People ask that the suspect be remanded without bail, Your Honor.

What are we having today, a special on chutzpah? Bail is set at $500,000. Do you have that on you, Mr. Hagen, or do you need a few minutes?

Docket #423763. People vs. Jacqueline Scott. Charge is murder in the first degree.

That's as good as it gets. What's your plea?

Not guilty, your honor.

My client is a valued member of the community. She employs thousands of New Yorkers who depend on her for their salary.

Does she have a cat? I like cats.

Serena

The state asks for remand without bail. Miss Scott's wealth makes her a flight risk.

Since when is financial success a criminal offense?

So, let's say we make her that much less offensive. Bail is set at 2,000,000 cash.

Serena

Your honor, this defendant could hop on a private plane as easily as you and I could get on the subway.

But can she get a cab in the rain? I'll take your passport, too, Miss Scott.

Serena

For added assurance, the People also request an electronic ankle bracelet and house arrest.

Don't fret, Miss Scott. Maybe you can cook up some matching accessories. [bangs gavel] Next.

Docket #534687. People vs. Reynaldo Celaya. Murder in the first degree.

And the plea?

Not guilty, your honor.

There's a first. Miss Southerlyn?

Southerlyn

The defendant shot and killed his brother's wife within days of being released from prison. Bail shouldn't even be a consideration.

I don't suppose you agree with that.

Bail schmail. What's a couple of days in Rikers after 10 years in Attica? Not gonna waste your time, your honor.

You know what, counselor? This is a first.

¡Tu eres un demonio! ¡Asesino!

¡Era mi esposa!

[shouts back in Spanish]

Not if I kill you first!!

¡Yo te mato! ¡Yo te mato! ¡Es mi esposa!

She's my wife! Cabron, she's my wife!

¡¡ASESINO!! [shouts in Spanish] ¡Reynaldo, yo te mato! ¡Asesino! ¡ASESINO!

Hmm. Nothing like a little excitement to get the heart pumping. What's next on the menu?

Docket #534781. People vs. Clara Perazzo. Charge is murder in the second degree.

Surprise me, Miss Perazzo.

I don't know what you mean.

I need a plea. Did you do it?

Yes!

I don't think my client understands, your honor.

I understand perfectly. I killed the SOB.

She's obviously mentally disturbed.

Southerlyn

The defendant killed her husband, your honor.

She ran him over 4 times with her car.

I admire her restraint.

I object!

Cool your jets, counselor. Shall we take this from the top?

No need to, your honor. Dom is dead, and I did it. I knew exactly what I was doing.

I'm not supposed to express personal opinions in the courtroom, but I gotta tell you, Miss Perazzo, you make me proud to be an American.

Thank you.

Cheating on you, was he?

Yeah! But I could live with that. I could live with his perversions. But I won't go under the knife for anyone! [points at her breasts] These were good enough for him when we got married!