Rachel quotes from L.A. 7

Tina

Oh, he fancied this bike, really?

Jo

(sighs) Look at the mess. This is bad. We’re dead.

Rachel

Dead as doornails.

Hannah

Guys, we better tidy up.

Hannah

Before five?

Bradley

But what kind of music do you like at your funeral?

Joni

Here, drink some water. Are you okay?

I think I’m gonna die. (She drinks)

Joni

(to everyone) We gave you guys our trust and this is how you repay us? Look what you’ve done to this place! I mean you could be sued, I could be sued. If we stay out of jail, it’ll be a total miracle.

Jo

Oh, come on, Joni. Don’t overdo it.

Rachel

Okay. So there were couple of glasses broken, but it’s-it’s more mess than anything.

Jon

Yeah. Just think of it like a kind of big city rubbish tip.

Joni

What are you guys gonna do about this?

Paul

Maybe we should call Ventura dustbusters. Maybe not.

Joni

You are so lucky that the owner is not here. That’s all I can say.

Oh my god! He is! (She faints)

You the house sitters?

They are!

Paul

Are?

What did you do to my house? I leave this place in your charge as a monument to taste discretion and power pelting. I come back after a few weeks and what do I find?

I said what do I find?

Paul

A scene of complete devastation?

Exactly!

Hannah

This one isn’t broken?

My first wife gave me this vase. (smashing the vase on the ground) No wonder I never like this place. It was always far too tidy. I had forgotten what it was like to let my hair down. But you guys have reminded me that rock and roll still lives. You are the best house sitters ever. So, what are you waiting for? Let’s PARTY!

Rachel

What, again?

Rachel

Oh, isn’t this nice one of us living together again?

Yeah.

Jo

Good dinner, Tina.

Tina

Pleasure.

Rachel

Yeah. It’s not much, but it’s home.

Paul

Especially now we’ve managed to pay for it for once.

Rachel

Paul, you can stop being sensible now.

Paul

Okay.

Paul

You ready, Brad?

Bradley

I am indeed, bro.

Paul

Okay. Let’s do it then, yeah?

Bradley

Alright.

Paul

You’re moving closer so I can see your face.

Paul

(sighs annoyingly) Bradley!

Bradley

Paul, no one wants to see your handwriting, alright? If we’re gonna make a doc soap, they wanna see a character. A star. A geezer, and luckily, I’m available.

Paul

Brad, just drop the card.

Paul

Okay. Excellent.

Hannah

Yes? Can I help you?

Paul

Hannah Spearritt, famous singer and actress from the UK. What she lacks in inches, she makes up for her in talent. So, Hannah, tell us. How does it feel being complete nobody in the UK and completely unknown in the US?

Hannah

Bog off, Paul.

Paul

Fair enough.

Bradley

The name’s McIntosh. Bradley McIntosh. License to kill and to thrill the ladies.

Paul

Bradley, I’ll come back to you when I’m desperate.

Jo

So you say “He’s rich. He’s handsome and he’s a great kisser.” Rachel, I already don’t see what your problem is.

Rachel

Well, I kind of may have sort of told him that I was a member of the British royal family.

Rachel

Paul, we’re trying to have a private conversation here.

Paul

Just treat me like I’m not here.

Jo

That’d be easier when you’re gone.

Paul

Jo, who’s happy-go-lucky exterior masks a violent personality?

Rachel

Go away.

Paul

Oh. Ooh! Oh, look. You think some people will be grateful to have a documentary made about them?

Jo

Paul, you’ve been making this documentary for the past 3 weeks. It was quite funny at first.

Rachel

No. That’s just irritating.

Paul

I know, I know. But I’ve only got 400 hours of footage and most of that has Bradley in it.

Jo

Well, go film something else then.

Rachel

Yeah. Jon’s in the bath. Go film in.

Paul

Cool.

Rachel

Jon, can you just find a spot and lie on it?

Jon

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, it’s not as simple as that. We have to find the optimum spot for the best tan. Aha! I think we’ve hit the mother-load.

Rachel

I think you’ve already had too much sun.

Jon

Okay. So we’re all set for the perfect sunbathe.

Rachel

Mhm.

Jon

There’s just one ingredient missing.

Ice-cream.

Rachel

Hi, um. Can I have a non-fat neutral sweetness frozen tofu bar please?

Sure. The mango, the cranberry, the kiwi, the banana, the orange, the coconut, grapefruit. the pomegranate.

Rachel

Um, kiwi please. No, no, no. Orange. No, cranberry. No, mango! Oh, I don’t know!

Jon

(to the Ice-cream Man) That’s an information overload, you idiot. You can’t take that! Come here, Rach. It’s alright.

Jon

Hey, did you move my towel cos I wanted to go there?

Ryan

Sorry, man. I need those rays and my light meter said “This is the place.”

Jon

Yeah, but that was my towel, and this being a beach international beach law applies… to wit. That towel had my power of attorney while I was away purchasing an ice-cream and was exercising my entirely fair and appropriate prior claim to that spot.

Ryan

You’re from out of town, aren’t you? Well, around here, a towel cannot act as a marker, unless said marker status has been agreed upon by all parties involved prior to the towel being applied to the sand.

Rachel

Oh, come on. Where’d you get that load of old part from?

Ryan

From the guy moved my towel last week about 3 seconds before I kicked his butt.

Rachel

Yeah? Well, you better watch out or maybe Jon will kick YOUR butt.

Jon

Yeah! Rachel, are you insane? Have you seen the size of him? I couldn’t even reach his butt.

Rachel

Now, if you don’t move your towel and you’re incredibly muscly, shiny and yummy body immediately, you are gonna be in a serious amount of trouble, young man.

Ryan

Oh, yeah. Who says?

Rachel

He does?

Jon

Heh. You know what? I think I’m burning. There is such a thing as too much sun, you know.

Rachel

Jon may look really small and weedy, but I can assure you. He is fully trained in all British martial arts. So if you don’t want to wear those teeth as a necklace shift.

Jon

Uh, Rachel.

Ryan

Okay. That’s it. We are gonna settle this like men.

Jon

Do we have to?

Ryan

Yep. But not here. There are women and children present. Tomorrow 5pm Muscle Beach, we arm wrestle for this spot.

Jon

Arm wrestle.

Ryan

Yep.

Jon

And, um, will you be using a normal arm, or, or that?

Ryan

Are we on? Well?

Jon

Um…

Rachel

Too right we are. He’ll be there, and he’s gonna wipe the floor with you and then do the windows.

Rachel

Uh-oh. I’ve made a big mistake.

Jon

Yeah. I’ll say you have.

Rachel

I should’ve had the coconut.

Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.

Paul

With extra everything?

Uh-huh.

Paul

Thanks.

Enjoy your meal.

Paul

Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.

Jon

So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if he kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.

Rachel

But not before he challenged Jon to a big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.

Jo

That is so brave, or is it just stupid?

Paul

(holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.

Jon

Yeah, of extinction.

Paul

No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?

Jon

No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.

Bradley

No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.

Jon

Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.

Bradley

It takes months to train a whole body. We just need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, put on special diet. Does the rest of me have to be present because…

Jon

That sounds really boring.

Paul

No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.

Jo

Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.

Paul

It will be a moving and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.

Rachel

Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.

Jon

Rachel, you’ve got more chance of arm wrestling that guy into submission than I have.

Rachel

What are you trying to say?

Jon

Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask for… What's his name?

Jon

Ryan.

Ryan?

Bradley

Use your arm part. Use your arms. Get your back straight.

Rachel

Jon’s getting really strong, you know. Last night, I saw him open the ketchup bottle all by himself.

Jo

Actually, I started that for him.

Oh.

Rachel

Well, I really think he stands a chance, I mean I know Ryan’s big in everything but he’s stupid. No offense, Tina.

Tina

He’s not stupid. He’s lovely. If only hadn’t had that dumb argument with Jon and Jon hadn’t accepted the stupid challenge. Just doesn’t seem like him.

Rachel

Hmm. He is a bit out of character. You’re right.

Hannah

It’s their hormones. Guys are programmed to behave like that. I’ve read it in just 17. They get all insecure when they think another guy’s invading their own territory. They’re like big monkeys.

Tina

Monkeys?

Hannah

Yeah. All snug in their tree until another monkey comes along then they get nervous for their bananas.

Jo

Their bananas.

Hannah

Yeah. I mean that other big ol’ monkey probably already has bananas of his own, but that doesn’t stop them feeling threatened.

Tina

So I’m dating a big monkey.

Hannah

Erm. Yeah. But a nice monkey. Your one’s the king of the swingers.

Tina

A jungle VIP.

Hannah

Mhm.

Rachel

Hey guys, can we remember who we’re rooting for in this contest?

Bradley

That’s it, man. That’s… You’re out of breath.

Rachel

What odds are they offering on Ryan?

After our match, be sure and join us on the beach for our winners’ protein drink party and you’re all invited. Now, without further ado, please welcome our sixth time Southern California armed wrestling champion, Ryan Sinclair!

Hannah

(calling out loud to him)

Paul

Hi, Mr. Sinclair. I’m your director for today. I’m just gonna go around, take a few shots of making a short documentary about one man’s fight for truth and justice.

Ryan

Cool. Can you get me from my right side? It’s…my better angle.

Paul

Okay. (He goes onto Ryan’s right side) Yeah! Getting a real Tom Cruise vibe from this side.

Ryan

Yeah, a lot of people have said that.

And now, let’s, uh, welcome our contender the limey with the funny haircut, Jon. Somebody or other.

Jo

Go, Jon, GO!

Rachel

Destroy him!

Hannah

Go on, sexy!

Defence, be seated.

Ryan

Jon, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.

Jon

I seriously doubt that. (He puts his hand on Ryan’s hand)

Let the battle commence!

Jon

(panting)

Ryan

Hey, is he getting a close-up?

Paul

Maybe.

Ryan

Well, if he gets one, I want one too. Get that camera back over with.

Paul

Yes, sir.

Ryan

Hey, is it a big close-up?

Paul

It’s pretty big.

Ryan

Get it closer. Come on! Get my face on that screen. Closer!

Paul

But…

Ryan

Closer!

Paul

But!

Ryan

Closer… (Paul hits his eye) Ow!

Paul

I can’t see through the viewfinder like this. It’s really small.

Jon

Yay! Yes! I won! Yes! Come one! (Girls come to Jon) Who wants a piece of me?!

Ryan

I do.

Jon

You’ve had your chance. Yes!

Jo

(to them) Look at the state of this place! Someone’s gonna have to tidy it up.

Hannah

Yeah, Paul.

Paul

Yeah, Bradley.

Bradley

Yeah, Joanne.

Jo

I’m not doing it. I always do it.

Paul

Well, do you fancy a game of chess, Hannah?

Hannah

Yeah, okay.

Jo

Yeah, we’re not until you’ve done those dishes.

Hannah

It’s Paul’s turn!

Paul

No, it’s not. It’s YOUR turn!

Hannah

It was my turn last week.

Paul

Well, look. Let’s have this game of chess and whoever loses has to do all the dishes.

Hannah

Okay. Deal. (He gives her a handshake) Ow!

Rachel

I didn’t get a job.

Tina

Nor did I.

Bradley

What’s up with him?

Jo

Must be his pose playing up again.

Jon

Guys, guess what? I think I just got a job.

Jo

What does the exotic dancer?

Jon

No. As a model.

Bradley

Can you say that again, cos I could have just swore you said model.

Jon

I did.

Bradley

You?

Jon

Yes.

Bradley

You.

Jon

Yes.

Bradley

You.

Jon

Yes, Bradley! Some of us can do more than just sing and dance. Some of us have hidden talents.

Bradley

Must have very hidden.

Jo

Oh, don’t be nasty.

Paul

So who are you modelling for?

Jon

Well, I haven’t definitely got the job yet, but I met this woman from a catalogue for a big department store and she said she wants to see me this afternoon.

Rachel

Oh, well done!

Jon

Thank you.

Tina

Well done.

Bradley

Well, I think I better go and get ready for my job interview then.

Jo

Yeah, me too.

Hannah

What job are you going for?

Bradley

Buddy’s Burger Bar.

Jo

I’m going for that one.

Bradley

I saw it first.

Jo

No, you didn’t! You know I did.

Bradley

Listen, Jo. I really need this job! I am broke!

Jo

Oh, what?! I ain’t!

Jon

Guys, calm down! I’m sure there’s more than one job there. You’ll be fine.

Jo

You had better have to be.

Bradley

Wow.

Jon

Well, what do you think?

Rachel

Mmm.

Jon

I’m trying to look as if I haven’t tried.

Rachel

You might have to try a bit harder.

Tina

Do a pose.

Rachel

Try and look a bit more relaxed.

Tina

Relaxed but… cheeky.

Hannah

Now go for happy yet quizzical.

Paul

Now, quizzical yet somehow yearning.

Rachel

Playful yet… deep.

Tina

Sad but… cheerful.

Paul

Now try to look like a complete muffin.

THAT’S IT!

Hannah

Excellent!

Rachel

You’re definitely getting better.

Tina

But, you know, every different style of clothing has a different style of pose.

Jon

Really?

Tina

Just take this and come back when you practice.

Joni

Oh, there we are. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Hannah

Hi, Joni.

Paul

Hi, Joni.

Rachel

Hi, Joni.

Tina

Hi, Joni.

Joni

Wait till I tell all my friends, I know the S Club 7. A bunch of kids who lay around and don’t tidy up after themselves. Very impressive.

Hannah

We are gonna tidy up.

Paul

We just need to decide whose turn it is.

Joni

Well, then what you guys need is a cleaning schedule.

Rachel

I said that.

Paul

But we couldn’t decide whose turn it was to write the cleaning shed-yule.

Joni

Shall I tell you what one of the most important rules of show business is?

Tina

What’s that?

Joni

Knowing when to give up?

Tina

What do you mean?

Joni

Well, as far as I know you came to L.A. to find fame and fortune and unless it’s hiding under the dirty dishes in the kitchen. You haven’t found it.

Hannah

Yeah, if it’s early days yet.

Joni

Is it?

Paul

I think we’re making good progress.

Joni

Are you?

Rachel

Yeah?

Tina

We are.

Hannah

Aren’t we?

Joni

Well, I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you guys wanna keep this apartment, you had better keep it tidy…and pay your rent on time. (She hits the table) Because otherwise it’s gonna be a case of repossession, and I don’t wanna go through that again.

Jon

Okay, guys, I’ve been practicing all day and now I want to see what you think.

Paul

Okay.

Rachel

Okay.

Tina

Okay.

Jon

Is everybody ready?

Rachel

No. Wait.

Tina

No, no, no. Hold on.

Paul

Just in time.

Hannah

Oh! How did it go?

Jo

Horrible.

Bradley

Yeah? Well, you weren’t the one walking around like a giant wiener.

Jo

Ain’t that what you do every day of your life, anyway.

Tina

Shh. You two, Jon’s waiting to show us his new skills.

Jon

Okay. Is everybody ready?

Tina

Yeah.

Paul

Yeah.

Bradley

Hmm.

Hannah

Yes.

Paul

But who’d have thought it though? You. A model. I mean. Well, not that you’re not… I think you’re very… Well, obviously, I can’t tell you now. I’m a bloke. But if…if I wasn’t, I’d be a woman. But what I’m trying to say is that I…

Jo

Look. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Paul

Alright. Cheers, Jo.

Rachel

Right, okay. Jon is gonna strike a pose and you have to guess what clothes is modelling, alright?

Okay.

Jon

Okay, first one. Watch this.

Bradley

Casual wear.

Jon

Yes.

Woo!

Rachel

Well done, Brad.

Jo

He’s good.

Jon

Okay, this one.

Hannah

Shoes.

Jon

Yes. Well done. Okay, and this one.

Jo

Sportswear.

Jon

Yes. Well done, Jo. It’s wicked. This one, okay?

Rachel

Oh, oh. That’s easy. Arm suits.

Jon

Well done, Rach. Okay, come here. Let me do this one. (he brings Rachel) Okay, and that was this one.

Tina

Pyjamas!

Jon

Yes! Nicely one.

Jon

Okay, last one.

Paul

Underpants.

Rachel

What? Are you two still here?

Paul

Yeah.

Rachel

Have you two eaten or slept or moved or… (sniffing) washed?

Hannah

No.

Tina

Oh, no! Look at the pile of dishes now!

Paul

As the plates get higher. The steaks get higher.

Tina

Isn’t that exactly where the pieces were last night?

Hannah

Probably. (She moves the piece of chess) Can’t rush into anything. (She moves another piece of chess) Strategic playing.

Rachel

Or not playing playing.

Tina

Wasn’t that Jo and Brad I heard leaving at the cracker dawn this morning?

Paul

Don’t know.

Hannah

I wasn’t looking.

Rachel

Must have been. I wonder how they’re getting on.