AAll
5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
No, it’s still not right. (to Jon) Jon. Oh, yeah, I’m not speaking to you, am I? (to Jo) Jo, can you tell Paul to tell Hannah.
I am not talking to Hannah.
Of course. That’s right. (She walks over to Hannah) Hannah, can you tell Jo to tell Rachel to tell Paul to tell Jon that…
RachelWhat?
I forgot I was gonna say now.
Can someone tell me who are not talking to you? I can’t remember anymore.
Rachel
And me.
Oh. Thanks. Tell her thanks.
(to Rachel) Hannah says thanks.
Rachel
Tell her it’s a pleasure.
She said it’s a pleasure.
Do you know what, guys? I think it’s pathetic.
Rachel
I know. We’ve never argued like this before.
It’s gonna ruin our performance.
I don’t know. We just don’t seem to agree anymore.
Listen, I know I’ve been a little cynical about this fame and fortune thing, but… I take it all back.
Well, one of you is definitely, definitely famous. Although, not so fortunate.
What are you talking about?
Just a little picture in a magazine.
(He takes a magazine from Joni) It’s not funny!
I suppose it is quite funny.
Oh, guys, we’ve just agreed on something.
So, can I have your photograph?
Of course you can. (He signs in)
Rachel
Yeah.
But why did he choose me? Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest one.
Okay, apart from Paul. Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest. And I live more like new sound of the sorceress than neither of you two. So why did he choose me?
Oh, I don’t know, Han. It’s just one of life’s great mysteries like… Where do corn circles come from?
Rachel
Yeah. Why there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.
Where’s Bradley? He knows I wanna rehearse routine for the new song. Where is he?
Ah, I’m knackered. I sit now. I ain’t moving for the next 2 hours.
Rachel
Oh, no!
No, no. Why are your choice rehearsing?
Rachel
We have been rehearsing, Joni.
Oh, no. I don’t mean like that little group thing. I mean for something important now. I have otherwise you guys to have a special skill like, uh, juggler.
Rachel
We can sing.
Oh, no, honey. You’re in L.A. Every waiter and their mother sings. We’ve got to find you guys something that makes you stand out in the crowd.
Ah. I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue.
Mmm. I wouldn’t go around boasting about that. Now let’s go out and find you guys a skill. Okay. Come on.
Rachel
A cow. But you caught a sheep with no legs. A crowd. How could you forget that?
You don’t even know what a man with monkey under one arm, a crocodile onto the other was doing.
Rachel
I think maybe he’s wearing them as an air freshener.
Rachel
What?
I wouldn’t say that restaurant was tough, but I think they used a pig as an air freshener.
Rachel
What restaurant?
Are we late for rehearsal?
No. It’s Christ’s meeting. We’re thinking about chucking someone out the band.
Look, if this is about that time that I posted nude photos of Jon on the internet, while they’re…
It’s Bradley! Tina says if he won’t come to rehearsals, he can’t be in the band anymore.
It’s just stupid. (to Bradley) Hey, Brad. You alright, mate?
As far as we know, he hasn’t slept for 2 days and what’s even worse and…
He hasn’t gone to the toilet, either.
People, I think we’re sitting on a time bomb.
Rachel
Bradley, serious! I’m making an intervention. I’m not moving from a spot until you stop playing this game.
Rachel
Oh. Host me.
I just let me get past this level, all right? Trust me, I can do it.
No, you can’t, you hoof. It’s almost impossible to complete without the secret cheap put in the game by the garbagey of TD. It says here.
Well, then let’s find this bloke and ask him the secret. That way we can get our Brad back.
Good idea. But all we know about the game is that it’s by strati soft. You have no idea where they are or if they’re even in California.
You would do. Spring Street Downtown.
Rachel
Yeah. They’re so nice format that’s like the audition.
So, you put a nude picture of me on the internet.
You know what I was thinking, Johnny Jon?
Oh, I don’t know, Honey Han. Um, why, uh, butterflies called butterflies are not margarine flies?
No. I wasn’t thinking that.
I was thinking the trouble with Los Angeles is that is so big. Nobody notices ya. I mean look at them ants. (pointing to the ants on the floor) They’re the equivalent of us in Los Angeles. They’re insignificant.
(groaning then clearing his throat)
Rachel
How do you know what he’s saying?
Well, I’ve been studying Bradley speak. It’s a little like Japanese but without the words.
Rachel
I guess that means “I’ll see you later?”
No. He was just clearing his throat.
Rachel
Hmm. Tricky language.
Listen, nobody go near Joni. Looks like she’s having trouble with her boyfriend and she’s about to take it out on someone.
Hmm. Well, I hope she gives us some warnings so we can all take cover.
AAll
Somebody at the door!
I don’t know if we rush, guys. I’ll get it.
Oh! Hello, Joni. I didn’t recognize you from above.
Ah! I had a nightmare that Joni was going across the floor, then when I woke up, Joni was going across the floor.
Don’t take any notice. It’s probably some kind of new age ritual.
Ohh! I knew it! I knew it!
Uh-oh! Sounds serious. Better get ready to run! (They all rush around)
Um, where are my trainers?!
Rachel
I can’t go out looking like this!
Down there! Look! Ants! Hundreds of ants!
Oh, yeah. Well, I’d see that, eh?
I can see them. They stand out like a mile.
I wouldn’t say a mile. Maybe a few millilitres and they’re the tallest ones.
There is an infestation here. This place is a mess! Look at it! I mean don’t you ever clean it up? It’s disgusting! (to the rest of the band mates) Listen up, everybody! The terms of your lease say that this place must be kept clean or I can throw you out at any time.
You’re right. She’s right. You’re absolutely right. This place is a tip, isn’t it? (clicking fingers) Paul.
Yeah, yeah. Um, it’s a disgrace! There is parp everywhere. Yeah. Someone should clean it up. I’ve got to go and see a man about the goose.
Whoa, hold on. Where are you going?
Um, um, to get some ant killer.
Stunner. Ant stunner. We’ll buy some ant stunner and then we’ll stun the ants, take them outside and then um…
Yeah. To roam the beach and destruct their stuff.
But we’ll have to spin and run first so they get dizzy and they can’t find their way back!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no you don’t! No!
You know, I could get twice as much money for this apartment and have much less hassle.
I mean I’m the one that’s doing you the favor here. You guys came here with nothing! I put a roof over your head and this is how you repay me.
Rachel
Don’t worry, Joni. We’ll help you tidy up.
(beginning to cry) You know, it’s just always the same thing. The nicer you are to people, the more they take you for granted, the more that they exploit your kindness.
Rachel
Aw.
I mean I just do the best that you can. I mean that’s all you can do, and then somebody just ups and leaves you for another one.
Joni, shut up! (sitting down next to her) This isn’t about the state of the apartment, is it?
It’s your boyfriend, isn’t it? He’s dumped you. You’re upset. So come in here and take out on us and the ants.
Rachel
Yes, but we want to help you.
Rachel
Because… Good question.
Rachel
(whispering to Tina) No, we don’t.
Rachel
Yes, we do and we want to help you get over your friend.
So, forget about the state of the apartment.
Rachel
Yeah, I mean what’s a little dust and mess and ants and dirty socks and grimy plates and general filth and…
Rachel
When compared to love and human relationships.
(breaths calmly) You know, you’re right. I feel better already.
So that’s how it always works. I break up with somebody and then I regret it, so I phone them and then it all gets bad again.
Okay. Here’s the suggestion. If you find yourself wanting to find this guy up, then talk to us instead and we’ll help you not to find him.
Really? That’s very nice of you. Hey, guys.
Rachel
No, it’s fine. Everything’s cool.
Yeah, it is. What are you guys up to?
Well, we’re kind of sick and tired of sitting around waiting to be discovered, so we decided to make a film.
Rachel
Oh, that’s a great idea! That’s brilliant.
That’s great, that’s great. (trying to ring a number to someone)
Oh. Nothing. So… Let’s make movies!
So, has anyone got any questions or anything then?
Rachel
Yeah.
Rachel
Do I have to wear that on my head?
No, I’m not wearing his hat, bro.
Brad, you have to be a policeman.
Jon, Jon, Jon. So what are you gonna be then?
Well, I’m directing it, but then I’ve got to be the, uh, the third cop as well.
Any other questions, guys?
Okay, so this is the S Club Movie. Take 1!
Rachel
Okay, Jo. You know what we’ve got to do.
Sure. We’re going hard. We get the money and we get out if anyone stands in our way, we take them out.
Rachel
Where do we take them?
Rachel
Well, you said we take them out. Where do we take them? Do we take them to restaurant or something?
No, Rach! We take them out! We kill them.
Rachel
Oh, Jo. I don’t think we should hurt them.
So what should we do then?
Rachel
Well, you know, shout at them or something.
You mean call them names.
Rachel
Yes! Call them names till they give us the money.
Rachel
Oh, whatever.
Okay. (to Jo and Rachel) Once more with feeling!
Yeah. Rachel’s a bit shiny as well.
That’s it, you two! Your robbing days are over!
You’re going down for 3 to 5!
Jon, get off! That hurts! (she hits him)
Ow! Did you see that? She just hit me.
Rachel
So, is that it then?
Well, we have got some more take left.
So, guys. Why don’t we just end it with a song?
No. You really hurt my arm.
I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.
So, where should we go tonight then?
Well, wherever it is a bit pitchy because I’m skint.
You’re always skint. When you get money, you don’t have to spend it immediately, you know, Han. It’s not compulsory. You better stay in tonight.
Yeah, but you’re still coming, aren’t you?
What a day. Tell ya. Being a cinema aser is a lot harder than it looks, alright? You got the back seat, anti-snug patrol. You got the Slurpee volume enforcement and you got the ground to air popcorn prevention. Anyway, I thought you lot were going out.
No. We’ve been waiting for you, mate.
Yeah. We’re not gonna go out without you, are we?
Erm, yeah. You have been paid, right?
Well, actually, yeah. I made 50 bucks today.
Cinema? Has she made 50 bucks a day?
No, I don’t get paid to the end of the week, but that’s just some of the change I found down the back of the seats.
Great. So where are we going?
Well, I’m quite parped. So I think I’ll have a night in.
Rachel
Well, there’s a slight problem, see? We haven’t got any money, so we were thinking that maybe you could…
You still owe me 20 bucks from Florida, you little monkey.
No, I don’t. I mean that to Paul.
Don’t look at me. I gave that to Tina.
Hey, nothing to do with me. Rachel wanted it and she didn’t like to ask.
Rachel
I only need cos I let my last 20 to Jon.
Yeah, and I would never have asked if I hadn’t already given all my money to Bradley.
So you mean I owe myself 20 bucks. Ha ha.
Look, we don’t have to go out to have fun.
No. Hannah’s right. Why don’t we all spend the evening in?
Rachel
We’ll do what they did in the olden days. You know, before nightclubs are invented, I suppose.
What? You mean like skinning dinosaurs?
Come on, guys. We’re gonna have a great time. We can enjoy each other’s company, talk about current affairs, politics, literature.
Yeah. Who needs music and all those fancy electronics to enjoy themselves? Come on. Let’s go for it. Alright.
So, what should we talk about then? Mmm?
The lights have come out.
Oh. A dozen squid was just about to start.
Oh, no. My hair’s gonna look like straw.
Rachel
Your hair always looks like straw.
Look. Just got to sit down and try and work this one out.
Jo! Stop trying to sit on my lap!
Sorry, Hannah. I can’t see anything.
Obviously, you didn’t realize there’s a little bowl of guacamole in my lap.
What is going on down here?
Oh my gosh! If Joni finds out about this, we’re out.
I have a strange feeling. She will find out.
I can’t even see to sit down.
Yes we can. (turning the flashlight on) Heh. Allow me to show you to your seats. (to Rachel) Madam, please no talking. (to Hannah) Chew quietly. (to Paul and Tina) Sir, madam.
Show consideration for the other patrons…and enjoy the show.
What’s that noise coming from outside?
1N1st Neighbor
What’s going on? My lights have blown!
2N2nd Neighbor
So are mine.
I’m really sorry, but I think… I think it was us that blew the lights.
2N2nd Neighbor
Oh, great. It was the Brits.
1N1st Neighbor
Oh! I might have known.
2N2nd Neighbor
Well, let’s gang up on them. Throw them out.
1N1st Neighbor
Yeah. We did it in 1776 and we can do it again.
Hold on. You just wait a minute. If it’s our fault, we’ll fix it. Alright?
See? Wally will repair it! Everybody knows Wally. Wally’s a qualified electrician. You are qualified, aren’t you, Wal?
So, Wally will repair it and there’ll be no need to tell Joni that we blew out her entire building. Deal?
2N2nd Neighbor
All right.
Well, I’m glad to see it’s all been sorted out.
WWally
Uh, not really. We haven’t worked out my fee.
Rachel
Oh, yes. Your fee. Okay, Wally, come on. Give us a wall park figure.
WWally
Well, rewiring an entire building, replacing dozens of junction boxes, scores of power points. It’s a big job. It’s a very big job. I’d say conservative estimate. 90,000,000.
Where are we gonna get $200 from?
Well, we’re definitely ain’t gonna find it down the back of the cinema seat, that’s for sure.
All I have to find a job, however stupid, however pathetic. We’ll each have to get a job and work really hard and raise the money.
Hey, Rach, have you still got the paper?
Rachel
Mmm.
There you are, Rach. Here’s one for you. Professional dog-sitter.
Rachel
No way! I’m a cat person. You wouldn’t get me working there in a million years.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
