Okay, Jon boy. Pick a card. Not that card. Not that one. Not that one either!
This one! All right now, look at it. What is it?
All right now. Just put it back in there. Good boy. Oh, right. Is this your card?
Well of course it is, Bradley?
Bradley, that’s not even magic.
Yeah, not real magic, just like the trick.
Bradley, that’s not even a trick.
Oh, look. Here comes the evening news.
PaulLinda. Hi.
Good evening. Tonight, extra work shock means I have to stay in, looking to the week ahead you’re coming to the theater with me tomorrow evening.
Paul
But I can’t, I…
Eyewitnesses say the play is an excellent one. Onlookers have clapped and cheered. Now over to you, Paul.
Paul
I can’t come tomorrow evening. We’ve got a gig.
Your band will never make it. News reading is the only option. Those are the facts. You heard it here first.
Now you hold on a minute.
You just can’t say things like that.
You must leave the band. That’s all for now. See you the same time tomorrow evening. Goodnight.
Paul, you go slide above…
Yeah, we got to sort out.
Paul
I sweat.
Paul, what she says on TV when she’s reading the news. That’s all fact. But what she said this evening, that’s just her opinion.
Do you see the difference?
Paul
No. Because Linda’s right about everything.
I don’t think so, bro. (holding up a magnifying glass) Yeah. Look at yourself recently, Paul.
Paul, look. I know you really like her, but you gotta do what you think’s the best. Not just anything Linda tells you to do.
You know what? I…was…wrong.
Paul
Do you really mean that?
Yes. You should stick with them.
Paul
Thanks. I mean so much to me.
ZZiggy
Hey, Tiggy. We’ve changed our minds. You are cool.
You know what? We’ve changed some minds too.
Oh, yeah. That’s right, isn’t it, Teen? Hey Ten. Flip your lid and see you around.
Paul
So, what should you do now then?
(hugging Jo) Jo, you just so rock and roll. Mmm?
Paul
Hmm?
Paul
No, Bradley. You like every girl. That is the girl that I like.
But, Paul. You never got to do anything about it.
Paul
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Paul
Okay then. Well, this time, watch this. (He comes to see her) Hi, how are ya?
GOGirl on Beach #1
Excuse me?
Paul
But… What? I…
Paul
Well, that went better than usual.
You gotta work on your technique, bro. I mean, watch me. Watch the master.
Hey. How are ya doing? You’re kinda good.
GOGirl on Beach #2
(speaking gibberish and slapping him with her book)
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys! You want to know how it’s really done. Watch Rachel.
Yeah, you. You’re the world champion of flirting.
Yes, you are. Go on. Look around and tell us if there’s a boy you like. My boys, watch this and laugh.
Okay. First, she spots her victim.
(pointing to that boy) Well, he’s quite cute.
Then, she moves in for the kill.
The prey puts down his book.
Paul
He stretches unsuspectingly.
Paul
The prey is snared.
I’m Sam. You’re Rachel, aren’t you?
Yeah. How did you know that?
I’ve seen you around at the beach, and at the cafe.
Yeah. Listen. I was wondering. It’s my high school prom in a couple days, and I was wondering if you’d like to come with me.
Yeah. I’d love to. That would be great. Um, what should I wear?
Well, it’s quite formal, but I’m sure you’d look great in anything.
That’s outrageous! I’m glad I never behaved like that.
BJBradley and Jon
Me too.
Hey, aren’t you guys with the S Club 7?
I’ve seen you play at the beach and at the cafe.
Hey, listen. I was wondering. It’s my high school prom in a couple days, and I was wondering if you guys like to play a few songs.
Paul
So what should we wear?
I’m sure you guys look great in anything.
So, I’ll see you in a couple days.
BJBradley, Jon, Hannah and Paul
Yeah.
Mmm. George Clooney’s eyes. The new George Clooney’s smile. And he had George Clooney’s body. It was love at first sight.
JRJo, Rachel and Tina
Aw.
PJPaul, Jon and Bradley
(sigh)
So why are you still with him?
Well, he didn’t quite have George Clooney’s wallet.
Paul
You don’t really believe in love at first sight, do ya?
Has it ever actually happened to you?
I had loved her face that once. That was quite nice.
My part of the third sight. Mmm. That was lovely.
Well, I’ve had love at no sight. Beat that.
Well, I met him on the internet. We exchanged romantic emails for months. He told me that he was a 45 year old millionaire with his own airplane, but then when I finally met him, he was a 14 year old squirrel with his own skateboard.
Yeah. Well, I think it’s a lot of old rubbish, anyway.
(to Jon) Well, you would.
Paul
I’ve had, I’ve had hate of first sight, a mild irritation, a second and, um, you’re not so bad after all at third. Does that count?
Paul
Oh.
What’s the matter with him?
Paul
Where?
He said we’d write some more songs today. Remember?
Paul
Yeah, but what is the point?
There are all these good songs. We’ve got no record contract. We’ve got no money. Our agent is rubbish.
Paul
No proper gigs.
Paul
All right. One proper gig.
Yeah. But our agent didn’t even get us there.
Paul
Yeah. Guys, I really don’t want us to be one of those bands who just do kids’ parties and old people’s retirement homes and bar mitzvahs.
We’re not going to do that.
Hey! Guess what, everyone? Our agent’s got us a gig out of a mitzvahs. What?
Paul
You see, we’ve gotta get a new agent.
I’m happy to help you with that.
Well, I had a bit of a thing with an agent one time.
Really? Was it love at first sight?
No. It was love at first smell. Or he had this great aftershave.
But, what if I never see her again?
But, what if she was like the love of my life and I’ve seen her for 20 seconds and that was it, and now I’ve lost her forever.
Yeah. Well, at least it lasted longer than some of Bradley’s relationships.
I was thinking about what you guys said the other day about needing a new agent and I think I have an idea.
Paul
Yeah?
Yeah. Well, I did a little bit of acting in the 70s and I had this great agent and he got me this fantastic part on Charlie’s Angels.
You was in Charlie’s Angels?
There was only 3 angels on Charlie’s Angels.
Well, there were four originally but, um, on the first day of filming, Charlie made a pass with me and, um, I kind of hit him and he ended up in the hospital, so, um, that’s why you never see his face.
Oh. Um, Mr. Walters at Walters Wilson and Walters.
We were wondering if Mr. Walters would like to be our agent.
RReceptionist
His books are full.
RReceptionist
His books are full.
RReceptionist
His books are full.
Paul
(clears throats) Okay, without saying the words “His books are full.”, could you possibly tell us when the next available appointment with Mr. Walters is?
Paul
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
RReceptionist
May, next year.
RReceptionist
His books are full.
All right, all right. You get the message.
God, even my dog’s got bigger vocabulary than that.
A lot was a waste of time.
Paul
Well, what we need to do is we need to get through her to him.
Yeah, and let them hear some of our music.
Paul
Yeah.
Yeah. And how are we gonna do that?
Paul
Uh. I’ve got a plan. Huddle, guys.
Paul
Pizza.
Um, bite on my hamburger?
Paul
Bradley, you weren’t listening when I told you the plan, were you?
Paul
Mr. Walters!
Paul
But we’re a band, Mr. Walters.
The S Club 7, Mr. Walters.
And we want to sing you a song.
But we bought you presents.
CGChorus: girls, boys
S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)
Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)
S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)
Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)
PCPost-Chorus: All
(Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air
(Ooh, ooh) Like you just don’t care
(Ooh, ooh) There’s a party over there
(Ooh, ooh) There’s a party over there
Ha, ha! Nothing. But not bad at all. And now get out of here.
No, wait. We’re singing at the high school prom tomorrow night.
Would you come and see us?
Really? My son goes there.
Oh, great. So does that mean you’re gonna come and see us soon?
Well, you know, I’m not sure the thing is my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.
I said my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.
Yeah, I heard you the first time.
No. I don’t think you did. My son needs a date for the prom.
Paul
That’s okay. Rachel will go with him.
How kind of you to offer he accepts.
No, listen. I’m really sorry, but I can’t take your son to the school prom. I already had… (Jo stamps Rachel’s foot) Ow!
Paul
Sore foot! She was just gonna say she’s got a sore… uh!
No problem. My son’s not that good dancer, anyway. Leave your address with the secretary. We’ll pick you up at 7pm.
So, plan A: We sing at the prom. Mr. Walters loves us. We get a record contract which leads to… (opening her fan) worldwide domination.
Paul
Whoa, there. Easy.
Sorry. I, I, I wasn’t expecting. I’m a little nervous.
Um, Billy? Where’s your dad? Is he in the car or is he coming later?
Oh, yeah. My dad said to say he’s not coming because his books are full.
(to Rachel) Plan B, it all goes horribly wrong.
Do you not want to be my date anymore?
Of course I do. Come on. We’re gonna have a great time.
So, are you girls ready to go?
Paul
I really can’t believe that you’re taking Hannah, Tina and Jo to the prom.
I know. 3 dates. Well, this is gonna be the best evening ever.
B1Bully #1
Look at his geeky glasses.
B2Bully #2
And his stupid hair and square clothes.
I think your clothes are great and your hair is really sexy.
W-Wo-Would you like to dance with me?
B1Bully #1
(laughs) Look at the nerd dance!
B2Bully #2
Hey, Billy, you’re such a jerk!
Paul
What are you talking about? He’s a wicker dancer!
Yeah, I mean we all dance around, don’t we?
Yeah. It’s the latest thing.
I want chips. English chips. Not American chips.
And get me a sandwich, will you? Not from here. From the deli across the road.
And take my jacket and get me another drink!
And hurry up about it. We’re on stage in a minute.
Time when you are, isn’t it?
(sighs) What a nightmare.
Okay, everyone. I hope you enjoyed your prom. Fellas, grab your ladies because we’re gonna sing a song few called “Two In a Million.”
Ah
V1Verse 1: Jo
Out of all the boys, you’re not like the others
From the very first day, I knew we’d be lovers
In my wildest dreams, my darkest desire
Would I declare to you, your love takes me higher
BJBridge: Jo
Just when we both thought our lives were set in stone
They shone in light and brought us together
CAChorus: All, Jo
We are two in a million
We’ve got all for luck we could be given
If the world should stop (The world, should stop)
We’ll still have each other
And no matter what (No matter what)
We’ll be forever as one
V2Verse 2: Jo
It’s a crazy world where everything’s changing
One minute you’re up, and the next thing you’re breaking
When I lose my way, and the skies, they get heavy (Mm)
It’ll be okay the moment you’re with me
BJBridge: Jo
No one would have guessed we’d be standing strong today
Solid as a rock and perfect in every way
CAChorus: All, Jo
We are two in a million
We’ve got all for luck (The luck) we could be given
If the world should stop
We’ll still have each other (Oh)
And no matter what (No matter what)
We’ll be forever as one
No matter what (No matter, no matter what)
We’ll be forever as one
No matter what (No matter what)
We’ll be forever as one
(gasps) Mr. Walters! You’re here!
I thought you said your books are full.
No. Who told you that? Hey. It’s L.A. It’s all just an illusion. Full, empty, hot, cold success failure. It’s all just the same thing. What is it different?
Paul
(laughs) Fair play. I see what you mean. Or do what?
Yeah, will you sign us up?
I sure will! You guys are great! Huh?
Paul
Well.
Well what? Where’s your mystery woman?
Oh, her! Oh, well, you know, she was great and, and it was great.
Paul
And?
And well, you know how it is. You know, we had a great evening and then, then she asked my phone number and she said she wanted to see me again and, well, you know what happens when you commit to another day then you end up like married with 18 kids in a mortgage.
Paul
She chucked you, didn’t she?
It was love at first sight.
You know, the best way to deal the situation like that is to behave with dignity and grace.
Yeah, you know what they say. Live and let live.
I’m gonna kill her. (pushing Jon and Bradley out of the way) Oi! Rachel!
(to Jon) Do you know something? Why can’t we leave our own Chateau Style Terrace?
What are you reading, Rach?
The big vulgar House Magazine. The magazine of big vulgar houses.
Rachel’s getting restless again, guys.
No. Not restless. Just curious. Don’t you ever wonder what it’d be like to live in one of those big houses like rich and famous people do.
Maybe you mean like one of those amazing mansion in Bel-Air with like the 30m Art Deco pool and their own cinema and A Philip Star Kitchen and like six different kinds of palm trees.
Paul
Joni Alert! Joni Alert! Bandits 4:00! I repeat, Joni Alert!
Oh, no. It can’t be rent there already, can it?
When you owe as much money as we do, every day is a rent day.
Paul
And she had one of those really mean looks on her face. You know, like the one that says…
What’s all the panic for? What could she do to us anyway?
(to Bradley) Oh, you mean apart from like sell of all our possessions, kicks out the apartment and probably gets checked out the country. Not much, Bradley.
Sell of our possessions? What, you mean like my CDs?
Yeah, and your Britney Spears go skating posters!
This is terrible, Jon! Joni Alert! Joni Alert!
That’s it. That’s all you have. You guys, I’m looking for the rent here. Not a tip for the bus, boy.
Look, Joni. We are trying. We’re really looking hard for some work, aren’t we, guys?
All right, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do here. Instead of throwing you out, I’m going to go proactive. I’m going to help you guys to help yourselves and in turn, help myself to…
To half your wages. Now here’s the deal, a friend of mine just called and asked if I knew 3 sensible kids who wanted to do some house sitting.
And do you? Because if you don’t, then I’m sure I might know some…
Paul
Hannah.
House sitting? Is that like when you sit around someone else’s pool? You eat with their food and you get paid for it.
No. That’s where you watch somebody’s property in a conscientious and professional manner.
And then you sit around the pool all day munching their food.
Okay. Well, there’s 2 kids who obviously have other working plans for the next few weeks.
Yeah. We are sensible. In fact, that’s what the SNS Club stands for.
Too late. You’ve blown it.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
