Paul quotes from L.A. 7

Rachel

(screaming)

Tina

I just think we were lost in the woods.

So did I.

Hannah

(screaming) I just think we were lost in the woods!

So did I.

We were lost in the woods!

Hannah

What’s that noise?!

Jon

I don’t know.

Tina

It’s just nothing.

Rachel

Nothing doesn’t make a noise like that.

Tina

Maybe it’s something then.

Rachel

Yeah, but what sort of something?

Paul

Probably a mouse.

Tina

A mouse with big clumpy boots on?

Rachel

Paul. Paul, go and see what it is.

Paul

I’m not going out there.

Jo

Jon, can I see what it is?

Jon

I’m not going out there!

Hannah

It’s coming nearer!

Tina

It’s getting nearer.

Whoa!

Rachel

Thank goodness.

Paul

What’s that?

Rachel

What is it?

Hey there. Thought I’d come to see how you’re getting on.

Oh.

Tina

Goodness.

Jo

Wait a minute.

What?

Jo

Where’s Bradley?

Jon

He’s gone.

Rachel

The monsters have got him. I know it.

Tina

Monsters don’t exist.

Hannah

The monster that doesn’t exist got him.

Tina

Oh, no. Poor Bradley.

Jo

(calling) Bradley! Bradley!

Bradley!

Bradley

Oh, guys! Is that monster gone yet?

Hannah

He’s here!

Bradley

Oh. I got some good news for you, guys. I found some petrol.

Aw.

Jon

So, Paul, we never did find where your relative lived.

Paul

No, no. Well, it wasn’t Ridgeback Woods. It was, um. It was some other woods. Does anyone wanna go there?

No, Paul!

Bradley

I thought if I want to be a counsellor. I just think they’re great at solving up in problems.

Jo

No. Just causing them.

Jon

Bradley, it’s not that kind of counsellor. It’s just there were for the people who look after the foods at summer camp. It’s like being red coat at Butlins.

Paul

Yeah, but without the red coat.

Rachel

Oh, that’s the shame. But he’s really looking good on me at the moment.

Tina

Gotta be worth a phone call.

Paul

Yeah, absolutely. Has anyone got a quarter?

Jon

(reading) Camp Elysium. Proprietor: Blair Beazley, Ph.D. “Cogito Ergo Sum.”

Jo

Blimey, you can say that again, mate.

Jon

No, I don’t think I can actually.

Bradley

What does it mean?

Tina

Roughly translated. He who pops first, pops loudest.

Bradley

I thought I recognized it from somewhere.

Tina

I’m sorry, but in what possible is this? A camp?

Bradley

Where are the tents?

Jo

Or the shower blocks?

Hannah

Or the cow pats? Well, you can’t have a campsite without cow pats. It’d be like having a cheese and pickle sandwich right the pickles.

Tina

Or the cheese.

Paul

Well, maybe they have a different idea of what camping is here.

Bradley

I don’t know about you, but when I went away with the 27th flourish of sea scouts, well, we didn’t quite feel the need to bring our own library.

Tina

It looks more like a university than a kids camp.

Jo

This Beazley about? He does know we are, right? I mean he’s not expecting proper teachers or anything.

Paul

No, no, no. Of course not.

Tina

You didn’t perchance spin him that old yarn about you being at school of Prince William, did you?

Paul

Yeah, like I would.

Jon

Don’t worry, Teen. He only uses that line on girls.

Bradley

Or they guy dog.

Hannah

I reckon Paul used that line so often. He almost believes it himself.

Paul

No, I don’t! Now look. Just go and fetch my case from the car, you nasty little commoner.

Rachel

Maybe we should think about this for a moment. This place feels really weird.

Paul

Rachel, Professor Beazley is offering us 300 a week plus bored.

Rachel

Didn’t I say “I love weird?”

Jo

Where is everybody?

In the hall waiting for the lectures to begin.

Bradley

Lectures?

Uh-huh. This morning, we’re doing dark matter and wormholes.

Hannah

Oh, biology. Nice!

No. Astrophysics.

Hannah

Of course! Astrophysics.

Rachel

Well, don’t let us keep you. We wouldn’t want you missing the start of your lecture.

Not very likely seeing how we’re the ones giving it.

Welcome to clever camp.

Bradley

Oh, right. What?

Jo

Okay. Soak him.

Paul

All right. I admit it. I may have slightly exaggerated the order educational achievement, but I was only saying what we wanted to hear.

Tina

Yeah, but Oxford?

Paul

All I said is that we’ve been to Oxford which we have.

Rachel

Only for one night, when we played at my niece Anna’s birthday party.

Paul

Did I say that would graduate it?

Jon

Yes, but now we have to play a concert of classical music!

Hannah

Forget soaking. Drowning!

Paul

Look, look. I can explain!

Bradley

Go on then. Explain.

Paul

You’re right. I can’t.

Jon

Look, we could try and bluff it. You know, improvise.

Tina

Improvise? You can’t improvise with classical music. It got rules.

Paul

Beazley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.

Tina

On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.

Ooh, ooh-ooh

Been working so hard for so long (ooh)

I’m gonna do the right thing (your baby’s calling you)

Riding on a love train (ooh)

Don’t stop, keep moving, I don’t want to get off

I’m gonna do the right thing (follow you anywhere)

Riding on a love train (ooh)

Ooh, ooh-ooh

Love train

STOP!

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

Have you all gone stark staring mad? What do you think you’re doing?

Bradley

Well, we’re just having a laugh.

A laugh, and that’s funny, is it? Taking some of the finest young minds in the country and setting them to work on strategies for throwing flour around the kitchen.

Bradley

Yeah. What strategies?

Jo

Look. Just chill out a bit, mate. I mean what is your problem? They were just having a bit of fun for once. That’s what kids do.

Fun. You call that fun. Throwing paint in each other’s hair. What’s the point in that?

Tina

There isn’t one?

Jo

And that’s the point.

I think you should all leave now, before you do any more damage.

Paul

Damage? Professor Beazley, did you see those kids’ faces? They were happy. They were really happy and why was that? Because for the first time in their entire life, they were, they were having fun. They were being kids. They were being funny, clever, inquisitive, smelly, messy kids. Now, do you understand what we’re trying to say here or do you want it in Latin first?

Tina

Come on. Let’s go.

Jo

Nice one. You’re almost forgiven. (kissing Paul’s cheek)

Paul

So does this look cheap enough?

Jo

Well, if it isn’t, we might as well go to the nearest dog zone and rent out a kennel for the night.

Jon

Right. Come on, everybody. Let’s try and look cheap.

Bradley

Sound tricky. Maybe we better, um… send Rachel first.

Rachel

Someone help me rip Bradley’s head off. (strangles Bradley)

Jon

So where’s Bradley then?

Jo

Um, he got run over by rollerblader.

Tina

Is he hurt?

Paul

No. He’s just milking it for all his words. You know Brad, our one, we used to call him at college.

Joni

So, I was with him for 3 years and it didn’t work out. And then my next boyfriend, it didn’t work out either. Nor did the next one… or the next one.

Bradley

So what about the next one?

Joni

Oh! Um, that didn’t work out either. Oh! But then I met the most fine wonderful man. Oh, I was so happy!

Bradley

Good!

Joni

Yeah. We got married and we had a fantastic life. I knew he was the one for me. Yeah. (Then her smile fades slowly) But it didn’t work out.

Bradley

What a shame.

Joni

Oh, hi, guys! Come on in!

Hi!

Tina

Bradley, come on. We’ve got a gig to go to.

Bradley

Oh, wicked!

Paul

So, let’s get up and let’s get going.

Joni

I don’t know if he’s ready to perform yet.

Jon

You know what? I think he’s gonna be just fine.

Bradley

Joni said we could all stay here.

Really?

Joni

Sure! I have an empty apartment upstairs that you can have. And while Bradley is recovering, you don’t have to pay rent.

Tina

Fantastic!

Paul

That is brilliant.

Jon

Oh, are you okay?

Bradley

Yeah.

Rachel

Take it easy.

Bradley

I think I’ll be fine.

Rachel

Oh, be careful with him. I don’t think he’s fully recovered yet.

Jon

Yeah. Yeah. Easy does it, Bradley. Easy does it.

Rachel

Oh! Um, we’re on at the cafe if you want to come along.

Joni

Really? Oh, I would love to! Okay, I’ll see you there.

Rachel

Yeah, cool!

Bye! Bye! (They all leave but Bradley bumps into the door) Ooh!

Rachel

See you.

Paul

So, Tommy, tell me. What was it like jumping from that skyscraper to that helicopter in Random Violence?

Actually, that was my stunt double.

Oh.

Jon

How about that fantastic sword fight in, um… slashblade peninsula?

That was my fencing double.

Oh.

Paul

What about shooting those love scenes with Neve Campbell?

That was my body double.

Oh.

Bradley

Tommy.

Yeah.

Bradley

Um… Do you actually appear in any of your movies?

Hannah

Hi. I’m Hannah.

And I am speechless. You wanna go out?

Hannah

Yeah. Oh. But before we do, my friends wanna meet ya. This is Tina, Rachel and Jo.

Hi, Tina.

Tina

Hi.

Hi, Rachel.

Rachel

Hi.

Hi, Jo.

Jo

Yeah. (falls on the floor)

Hannah

Aha! All right. Um, time to go.

Rachel

Paul’s nearly ready. He’s very excited.

Joni

Ooh, that makes two of us. (referring to Paul) Um, now I will have him home by 11:00, and is there anything that he doesn’t eat?

Rachel

Hmm… Tin cans.

Jo

Washing machines.

Tina

And that’s about it.

Paul

Hi.

Joni

Hi. Well, let’s party.

Paul

How do I look?

Fine.

Paul

How’s my breath? (blowing his breath at Hannah)

Hannah

Fine!

Jon

Paul, I don’t know why you’re so nervous. It’s just a date.

Paul

No. It’s not just a date. It’s a date with Linda.

Jo

Yeah, and you’re so special about Linda.

Paul

Well, she’s sophisticated. She’s intelligent and she’s a grown-up.

Jo

Ooh. So what’s she doing with you?

Paul

Don’t say that. Look, I really want this to work out. I really like her.

Ooh!

Jon

So is this Linda the newsreader then?

Paul

Yes.

Jon

Excellent. Because I didn’t buy a newspaper this morning and I just wondered if she could run over the main headlines with me.

Paul

Don’t you dare. When she comes here, she’s off-duty.

Paul

(screeches) Okay, everyone, relax! All right.

Jo

I’ll get it.

Paul

How’s my breath?

Hannah

Aw! Paul, would you stop doing that?!

Paul

Okay. Here goes.

Paul

Hi.

Good evening. I’m Linda Lewis.

Paul

So, how was your weekend?

Boating on the lake. Great success. Dinner at an Italian restaurant overpriced. And finally a walk on the beach.

Paul

Great. So are you ready?

Yes.

Paul

Well, I thought maybe we’d go to this Mexican restaurant.

No. A meal at the seafood restaurant. Tables are booked. Then coming up in the next hour a trip to the cinema.

Paul

Ah, that sounds like a much better idea. I don’t know what I was thinking. Come on, let’s go. Yeah.

Paul

See ya.

Bye.

Very good evening to you.

Mmm.

Jo

(to Tina) I thought she was supposed to be off-duty.

Jo

Paul, what are you doing?

Paul

Oh. Uh, Tina’s chatting to Jon in my room and she won’t shut up. So I thought you wouldn’t mind if I came and crashed here. (Getting onto the bed laying forward)

Jo

All right. How’d you get on?

Paul

Oh, it was brilliant. She’s so clever and she’s right about everything. She’s amazing.

Jo

You don’t think she’s a bit… Well, you know, a little bit weird and a bit horrible to you.

Jo

Paul.

Jon

That’s brilliant news.

Bradley

Finally, at last! Something is actually happening!

Rachel

I know! This gig could be really good for us.

Bradley

So, what song should we sing, guys?

Hannah

I don’t know. What do you reckon, Jo? Jo!

Jo

(waking up) Hmm? What? Who? Sorry, I’m a bit tired. Paul kept me awake all night last night snoring.

Hannah

He never used to snore.

Jo

Yeah, well, he does now.

Tina

He does a lot of things he never used to do.

Jon

Speaking of which.

Jo

Look what the cat dragged in.

Hannah

Must have been a very nerdy cat.

Bradley

What happened to you, bro?

Rachel

Did you mislay your fashion sense?

Paul

No. Linda said that I didn’t look nice in my other clothes and I look better like this.

Hannah

Paul, you don’t have to do anything she tells you.

Paul

I don’t.

You do!

Jo

You’re allowed an opinion, you know.

Paul

I know, and I’ve got one.

Tina

Which is?

Paul

Which is Linda’s right. I look much nicer like this.

Hannah

Fancy changing a whole image just for the sake of a date.

Tina

Pathetic.

Hannah

Oh, crikey, Teen! We better go and change our image for our date tomorrow.

Tina

Quick!

Hannah

Let’s go!

Paul

Kids.