I saw from your resume that you’ve listed your harries as looking at old churches, and helping senior citizens cross busy roads.
PaulMmm. Well, Debi, you know, I do what I can in between the voluntary litter collecting.
Litter collecting? You do that for a fun?
Paul
Well, no. Not, not really fun. It’s more of a…
Yeah, you can only take out of society what you put in, Debi.
Paul
I mean as I always say “A litter-free world is a better world.”
That’s incredible, because I’m a volunteer community litter collector too! Venture litter box, litter box, go, go, go!
So, do you guys have your own song?
We do, actually, yeah. But Paul always likes to sing that one, don’t you, Paul?
Paul
(nodding, then singing) We broom. We brush.
RJRachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
(singing) We don’t make a fuss.
DRDebi, Rachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
(singing) Dropping litter is a sin.
RJRachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
(singing) So, put it in the bin.
RJRachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
(singing) We broom, we brush!
RJRachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
(singing) But don’t make no fuss!
DRDebi, Rachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
(singing) Dropping litter is a sin!
DRDebi, Rachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
(singing) So, put it in the bin.
DRDebi, Rachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
(singing) Broom and broom and broom and brush!
RJRachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
(singing) Broom and broom and broom and brush.
RJRachel and Jo
Yeah, yeah.
Paul
All right.
Wow! Look at that pool! The others are gonna be so jealous when they see this.
Rachel, that’s not very kind. Yeah, they are, aren’t they?
I hope you’re not thinking about getting your friends here. The owner has spent millions getting this place together. It’s your job to make sure it stays that way.
Paul
Debi, I couldn’t agree more, and that’s exactly what we’re gonna do. So, why don’t we go off and talk about the security operations.
She’s having a laugh, isn’t she?
Paul, I’m a little worried about those other two. Are you sure they’re not…party animals?
Paul
Debi, Debi, trust me. They are so sensible. They always look both ways when they’re crossing the bathroom.
Oh. Interesting. Italian Renaissance, I’d say.
Yes. Definitely. Shame about the nudity, though. Is that quite necessary?
Oh, I don’t know. The youth of today.
Did you see the size of that bedroom?
Did you see the size of that bed? You got seven of us in there and still 11 enough room for another six and a half pounds.
JRJo and Rachel
Hi, Paul!
Paul
Look. Before we do anything else, I thought we just better sit down and draw up this list of duties.
Duties? Debi’s gone now, Paul. You can stop pretending to be sensible.
Paul
Look, I’m not pretending. We’ve got a huge responsibility here and I don’t want to mess it up.
Yeah. I mean we’re mature adults, aren’t we?
JRJo and Rachel
Oh, yeah!
Paul
This is nice!
Can you pass the salt please?
Paul
Okay.
It’s great to have a bit of space, though, isn’t it?
Paul
Yeah. Makes all the difference.
Paul
I really miss the others.
Let’s see if we can get them round tomorrow.
Yeah, but what if they don’t want to come?
Well, this is nice, isn’t it?
Yeah. We don’t need the others. We can have fun on our own.
Hello? Oh, hi, Jo. How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re having a great time. How about you?
(speaking to Jon on the phone) It’s brilliant. It’s a lot of fun.
You want us and come and see you?
Well, um, I’m not sure what we’re doing tomorrow.
Well, only if you feel like it. I mean it’s no big deal.
We’ll have a party about 8 o’clock.
Wicked. No worries. See you tomorrow.
RRick
Hi. I’m a friend of Tina’s. I uh… I brought some friends.
I don’t know whether that was such a good idea, Teen.
Paul
Ooh, be careful of the…
Hi. I’m a friend of Bradley’s. Bradley, I brought some friends. I hope you don’t mind.
Why does everyone have to keep saying that?
(to Rick) Can you not go near the lamp? Don’t go near the lamp! Don’t go near the lamp!
Paul
Can you keep it down please? Hannah! Can you keep it down? Can you keep it down please?
Can you try and have a little bit of respect? That was a lonely expensive one. Don’t do it anymore otherwise you will get out.
Paul
Oh, no, no, no. That ice-cream isn’t for eating now. Have you tried the pistachio? It’s really nice.
Paul
Jon, what is going on? Who are all these people?
I’ve got no idea, mate. But if you can’t beat them, you might as well join them.
Paul
Join them? Join them? Look! Look, are you mad? Look at what they’re doing to the statue!
Oh, it’s too late. It’s gone too far. Instead of fighting against the tide, you might as well just let yourself get swept out to see.
Here, drink some water. Are you okay?
I think I’m gonna die. (She drinks)
(to everyone) We gave you guys our trust and this is how you repay us? Look what you’ve done to this place! I mean you could be sued, I could be sued. If we stay out of jail, it’ll be a total miracle.
Oh, come on, Joni. Don’t overdo it.
Okay. So there were couple of glasses broken, but it’s-it’s more mess than anything.
Yeah. Just think of it like a kind of big city rubbish tip.
What are you guys gonna do about this?
Paul
Maybe we should call Ventura dustbusters. Maybe not.
You are so lucky that the owner is not here. That’s all I can say.
Oh my god! He is! (She faints)
RSRock Star
You the house sitters?
HJHannah, Jon, Tina and Bradley
They are!
Paul
Are?
RSRock Star
What did you do to my house? I leave this place in your charge as a monument to taste discretion and power pelting. I come back after a few weeks and what do I find?
RSRock Star
I said what do I find?
Paul
A scene of complete devastation?
RSRock Star
My first wife gave me this vase. (smashing the vase on the ground) No wonder I never like this place. It was always far too tidy. I had forgotten what it was like to let my hair down. But you guys have reminded me that rock and roll still lives. You are the best house sitters ever. So, what are you waiting for? Let’s PARTY!
Oh, isn’t this nice one of us living together again?
Yeah. It’s not much, but it’s home.
Paul
Especially now we’ve managed to pay for it for once.
Paul, you can stop being sensible now.
Paul
Okay.
Paul
You ready, Brad?
Paul
Okay. Let’s do it then, yeah?
Paul
You’re moving closer so I can see your face.
Paul
(sighs annoyingly) Bradley!
Paul, no one wants to see your handwriting, alright? If we’re gonna make a doc soap, they wanna see a character. A star. A geezer, and luckily, I’m available.
Paul
Brad, just drop the card.
Paul
Okay. Excellent.
(He starts filming around closer to Hannah who is busy watching something on TV)
Paul
Hannah Spearritt, famous singer and actress from the UK. What she lacks in inches, she makes up for her in talent. So, Hannah, tell us. How does it feel being complete nobody in the UK and completely unknown in the US?
Paul
Fair enough.
The name’s McIntosh. Bradley McIntosh. License to kill and to thrill the ladies.
Paul
Bradley, I’ll come back to you when I’m desperate.
So you say “He’s rich. He’s handsome and he’s a great kisser.” Rachel, I already don’t see what your problem is.
Well, I kind of may have sort of told him that I was a member of the British royal family.
Paul, we’re trying to have a private conversation here.
Paul
Just treat me like I’m not here.
That’d be easier when you’re gone.
Paul
Jo, who’s happy-go-lucky exterior masks a violent personality?
Paul
Oh. Ooh! Oh, look. You think some people will be grateful to have a documentary made about them?
Paul, you’ve been making this documentary for the past 3 weeks. It was quite funny at first.
No. That’s just irritating.
Paul
I know, I know. But I’ve only got 400 hours of footage and most of that has Bradley in it.
Well, go film something else then.
Yeah. Jon’s in the bath. Go film in.
Paul
Cool.
WOWoman on TV
Why do you think this guy killed you?
Okay, I’m off to Muscle Beach.
It’s the first day of my job down there.
WOWoman on TV
She was pushed!
I’m teaching a class called dance yourself fit.
Then later, I plan to be abducted by aliens, and dissected.
You don’t care, do you? You don’t give a part that I’m the only one in this apartment with a proper job.
WOWoman on TV
Let me get you something…
I’m sorry, Tina. It’s just difficult to give a part about anything when Troy’s about to leave his wife and seven adorable baby daughters, and run off with his secretary, or possibly his mother.
(Off-screen) Paul, GET OUT NOW!
Paul
Honestly! Some people just don’t deserve to be in this business we call show. (sitting down next to Hannah) Eh?
I couldn’t eat another thing.
Paul
Oh, one more, Jo, and this time, could you just chew a bit more quizzically?
Paul
Careful! This is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment. I call it my steady Eddie for recording on telly.
And I call it a plank of wood, the camera set a tape to it.
Paul
So, Tina’s having lunch with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
With a guy she met down Muscle Beach. She said she was lovely and she’s gonna get the photos to prove it.
See, I think that’s all unnatural all the exercise.
Bradley, you think pushing a carpet sweep is unnatural.
Yeah, but it’s not gonna make you look any more attractive to look like you got dozens of ferrets crawling around and your skin. Does it, Han?
No! No, no. Of course not. We don’t fancy Muslim men, do we, Jo?
Strike a pose! How do you do?
Paul
And now we hear the mating cry of the single desperate female on heat.
Did you get the photos developed?
No. He’s lovely. I think he’s the best looking bloke I’ve ever been on the date with.
It’s not exactly stiff competition, Tina. Your last one looked like the model for gargoyles.
Shut it. He’s blonde. He’s got blue eyes and the best teeth since Tom Cruise had his teeth fixed, and he kissed me.
Just a back on my lip but it was a passionate back, and he wants to see me again tonight.
Jo, can I have a sip of your water?
Ooh…! (Tina notices Bradley making the sound of it) Sorry, I wasn’t concentrating.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
