Gordon quotes from Kitchen Nightmares

Inspired by the fresh locally-grown apples, Chef Ramsay heads back to the restaurant to work on a special he has in mind for tonight's dinner service.

Right. What are they called.

(unenthusiastically) Apples?

Apples, fucking smartass.

Wow, look at the size of that. That's a lot of "krab." And you haven't told me about the "K" yet.

Oh, he said he wanted everybody to know that it wasn't real crab, it's artificial crab. So he spelled it with a "K" so there was no misconception.

So it's fake crab meat?

Uh-huh.

In a seafood restaurant, on the water?

What is that there

I believe it's beef bits.

Beef bits in blood.

Nasty.

What's the matter with this?

She said it's not fresh, she said it's no good.

It's fucking watery.

Let me have a taste. How bad is it? [tastes it] It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! [Gordon tastes it and spits it out.] Ohhhh, no! Come on! He spits it out. It's not bad.

You're fucking delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake.

It's not the right crab meat. You're right.

And it's fucking disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big fucking baboon and "Ho, ho! It's good! Whoo!"

When were these done?

Yesterday?

Yesterday? Fuck off, Vic, please. They weren't done yesterday. Okay. You can ask him in his own language; ask him very, very quickly: "When were these cooked?"

(to a cook) ¿Cuándo cocinaron de eso? (When did you cook that?)

En viernes. (On Friday.)

(to a cook) So this was from last week.

Of course, they're from last week!

What are these? (to Vic) Vic?

Yes, chef?

These are fresh chives. Sell-by date, five months old.

Where'd you find that?

I found it in the fucking fridge. Smell it.

Vic, look, let me just show you something.

What is that? Stop getting nervous now. Talk to me. What is this?

That's the fish we're using.

That's the fish you're using? Oh, fuck me.

While the family cools off, Chef Ramsay heads to the kitchen to come up with a game plan to fix the restaurant's biggest plan — the food.

Oh my God. What in the fuck is that? That is a fucking joke.

I wanted us all to get involved, and doing something together, yeah? I wanted a fun element. You (Patti) make a burrito, you (Yolanda) make a burrito, you (Vic) make a burrito, and the best one goes on the menu tonight. That's what I wanted to do. I couldn't do it, because of these little fuckers here. LOOK AT THEM!

Oh, my god! (interview) I feel sick to my stomach. I want to throw up, because I had coffee here earlier, and I don't know if the roach went through my cup.

I didn't know about this problem either.

Two dishwashers, two prep cooks. Who's cleaning around here? Do they seriously put food on those plates?

(interview) Vic's here seven days a week. I don't know how he didn't realize the problems in the kitchen.

Can't you see these? I'm trying to move forward, I'm trying to get going, but every time I put my foot on the ladder, I get knocked back. Did you know this was like this?

I noticed, I noticed, but, uh...

You knew it?

Yeah.

We're going to have to do something! We cannot open, we need an exterminator. How can I start even attempting to think of a new menu when the place is festering with cockroaches?!

(interview) I didn't expect this. I don't think it could get worse, I don't even know what could make it worse at this point.

After Chef Ramsay's dirty discovery, he immediately called in an exterminator.

I had no idea it was that bad.

Bloody hell. I'm pulling my hair out now. I'm sorry, but you're running the place.

Sorry.

Vic, this is stupid.

Where do I go, Vic?

Sorry.

(interview) I'm embarrassed with Chef Ramsay. I don't think that I uh... we can make it a good restaurant.

You can't run a fucking restaurant like that!

You think I'm mad? I'm fucking embarrassed now.

You should be fucking embarrassed. I'm not putting one foot in that place until that place is fucking cleaned, yes?

You're right.

Now you start getting those guys cleaning, yes?

Definitely.

Put some fucking pride! Do you understand the word pride?!

Yes.

It's not possible for someone to have his head so far up his asshole. Fuck me.

Service, please! Pass it over.

What's those black bits, coming from the...?

From the top.

The top of the broiler? Jesus Christ almighty. When was the last time the broiler was cleaned?

The chefs, now, they are crazy, you know.

But this place is half-full. What are you going to do when it's crowded, and there's people waiting outside?

This is unbelievable! What the fuck's happening?! When was the broiler cleaned last, gentlemen? If he fucking tells me Friday one more time, I'll boil him!

Every Sunday, they say.

Every Sunday? My fucking arse!

This is out of control. I mean, you've got your food, you've got your food.

Yep.

I've got four chefs who can't cook fucking rice, and soot all over the food. What is going on?! Fuck me. You're supposed to put salt on the food, not fucking soot!

(to Vic) You can't employ these guys! One can't clean, one can't cook rice.

(interview) I never imagined how bad this restaurant was doing. I don't know what else could happen.

(leaves the kitchen) I cannot come to terms with what the fuck is happening!

What is that?

Un-duck. It's... duck. But it's un-duck. Fake duck.

Fake duck? So you call it... what?

We call it un-duck.

Un-duck? Right now I feel like I'm getting completely fucked. Is that popular?

Yeah, it is, actually. A lot of people ask for that, too.

Un-duck... fucked up... [as he reaches in and pulls out more "meat"]

That's fake fish.

Fake fish? [sniffs, laughs and slides a hand under his collar]

It looks like fish, it tastes like fish, and it's got seaweed on the outside.

[to audience] We have everything that's "un".

This is incredible. So far I've had un-duck, un-fish... un-fucking-believable. What a mess.

What are these up here for? They're not even in season, asparagus, are they?

No. Not right now, they're very expensive.

They're very expensive, so why have you got them on?

They're veggie of the day.

Veggie of the day? Aren't you bothered about the cost?

It comes from a different part of the world, Chef. We can get it.

'It comes from a different part of the world'? [to the sous-chef] Are you listening to this?! [to Pinto] It's the most expensive vegetable on the market. You want that?! And it's out of season! And you just put them on four dishes!

Adele, what do you think?

(Shaking her head) I don't like it.

You don't like it?

I hate blue.

Unbelievable.

I'm dumbfounded. I don't think I have ever heard anyone say they hate the color blue!

I hate it.

You hate it?

Hate it. How can you be positive about something you hate? Ugly. I wanna throw up. I hate it! Hate, hate, hate. Oh my God.

What are we waiting on Ashley?

I'm still waiting on chicken pancotta with penne marinara, an individual kids pepperoni pizza, half order spaghetti with meat sauce, eggplant parmesean with angel hair meat, chicken pancotta angel hair marinara, three chicken parms and a veal Parmesan ...for just one table. (interview) I really felt like crying because it was that embarrassing for me.

Erick, can I have your undivided attention?

Sure.

Nothing's happening. We served one table of four, one table of two. For the last three tickets, half an order's gone out, the other half is still on the board. You haven't got a clue what's going on. You're (Drew) running around crazy. What chance have we got serving 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, tables? You asked for one more crack at lunch time. "Let me go big boy! Let me go! I want to do it again!" We're spinning around and serving shit! Do me a favour, close the fucking restaurant! I can't stand any longer and watch that embarrassment. I need the door fucking closed! Forget it! Good night!

I can't even start with a chef that can't even know how to cook something basic. Why are you pulling a chef that is that incompetent? Darling, he's not in the slightest bit of interest of fucking making it work, he doesn't give a fuck about his cooking, doesn't give a fuck about you, and he's here for one thing and one thing only: money. And the only restaurant that fucking guy will ever get a job is in a restaurant that doesn't have any customers. If you've got any chance of surviving here, get rid of him. What are you scared of? Talk to me.

Where am I going to find another chef?

Drew. What's wrong with Drew?

Drew, I think can carry it on.

So get rid of him!

Okay.

Unbelievable.

Babe, I'm sorry.

No, no, just wait a minute. Jeremy come here.

I feel real bad.

The whole thing is, this isn't the first time you've let us down. I just can't do it. I know but I just can't do it. You guys get your paycheck every week. Jeremy and I never take a dime out of here.

We understand that.

I know but I mean, the whole thing is not going to work because you...

Okay so what do you want to do?

We're going to part ways.

Okay that's no problem. Dammit! I fucked on that deal.

(interview) He couldn't pull off lunch, couldn't pull off dinner and so we just had to let him go. You know I can't do this.

After witnessing one of the worst kitchen walk-ins he has ever seen, Gordon moves on to an area outside the kitchen that restaurants are judged upon - the bathroom.

One of the best ways to check the hygiene of any restaurant is always through these bathrooms. Turn that [a blue UV light] on, and turn the lights off. Right, this can be quite scary. [he checks out one of the walls] Oh my good God. Green and yellow identifies bodily fluids. Any form of bleach or any form of cleaning will be identified through the colour blue, but the body fluids on here is extraordinary. [he checks the ceiling] Look, as high as the ceiling, oh my God. Even the ceiling's caked in it, OH MY GOD! This is shocking. [a sign reads "Wash your heads"] Wash your hands, yeah. Honestly, I've seen enough. Let's get the fuck out of here.

(to Nylah) Having a dirty refrigeration unit is one thing. Having a filthy bathroom is something that fucking scares the hell out of me.

This thing here [the blue UV light] detects body fluids. Just have a look at this.

That's body fluids up there?

That there has got nothing to do with any form of cleaning. Look at the fucking state of this. Green, green, green, green, green. And here's where it gets really scarry.

How the hell did it get up there? (interview) It looked like somebody may have peed on the ceiling, the walls, the doors, you know. It could be a throw-up. I can't even imagine, you know. And it made me sick, I didn't even want to touch the door-knob coming out myself.