Brian quotes from Kitchen Nightmares

After feeling the heat of the firemen, Brian and sous chef Francis get back to work under the watchful eye of Gordon who can't believe what he sees.

Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis. Fuck me, he's deaf as a fucking bat. Francis, you took it off the floor and put it in the fryer and then back in the sauce.

Yeah, well the fryer is going to...is going to...take anything that comes off the floor and clean it.

But it fell on the floor.

Correct.

Put it back in the fryer.

Right into the fryer.

And it cleans it.

It cleans it. It sterilizes it.

Sterilises it?

Yeah, well...

Fuck me! "Sterilised it"?

What happened with that order?

I dropped a wing on the floor, picked it up and stuck it back in the fryer again.

(interview) We tried to keep everything consistent but some things get messed up every now and then.

What the fuck were you thinking?!

(outside) Oh my god. I've never, ever, ever seen anything quite extraordinary as that. Serves food off the floor and serves it to the customer? Oh, my God, no!

(watching Brian, in the kitchen, down a glass of beer) I want to see you and Ramsay chug.

I'll smoke him, and tuck him into bed. Goodnight, chef. (laughs) (interview) I'm a very confident person. I've been in the kitchen a long time. I'm almost positive we'll get a good review.

(waiting for his spring rolls) When you get a family business right, it goes on for generations; and here, it doesn't feel like a family-run business at all. Pubs are full of atmosphere, fun. It's got tweed-neck curtains, like you're going to visit your granny. Weird.

(arriving with spring rolls) Here you are; spring rolls with Coleman's mustard.

Wow. God. Very strange, bizarre-looking spring roll. (eats it) Damn. (to Melissa) Are they popular on the menu?

(hesitantly) People... really like them.

No doubt half the customers are drunk.

This is a tough half-hour of my life.

(to Brian) Not a big hit.

He didn't like it?

Nope. (interview) Brian's in the kitchen, wondering, and I'm like, "Nope."

Are you kidding me?

He really expected me to be like, "He loved it!" You know, "He wants you to come work for him!"

Come on! (drizzles balsamic on Gordon's salmon) Maybe try that one.

(serving the salmon to Gordon) Let me get you some clean silverware...

Thank you. (noticing the balsamic) God. What's this stuff, please, Melissa?

On top is a balsamic reduction. He (Brian) likes to use that a lot. On everything, he puts a little drizzle on.

A little? Thank you.

You're welcome. (leaves)

Always a sign of an insecure chef, when he macerates everything in balsamic vinegar. Look at this. (tastes it) Horrible. Doesn't taste of salmon at all.

(returning) All through?

Does my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?

No.

(sarcastically) Good. Lovely.

I don't even think he likes the water.

(to Brian) He asked me, "Will my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?" and I told him, "No, I assure you it will not."

Do I? Do I dare? (interview) I don't want to come off as conceited or cocky, but I know I'm very good at what I do. I know the back of the house well. I've done everything that's out there.

Let's try that one.

(serves the pie) Enjoy.

Thank you.

You're welcome. (leaves)

(digging into the shepherd's pie with his fork) It's just a big ball of grease. (eats it and grimaces) Just very, very greasy. (coughs and gags) Oh, God! That's disgusting.

(to Buddy) The toilet?

Second door on the left.

Oh, no...

How have you been?

Eh, I had a little glitch there for a little bit.

What happened?

I had a heart attack.

What?!

(interview) My father's heart attack was a very traumatizing experience in a lot of different ways.

(interview) And it was bad. The doctor told him he could have died.

(interview) That was a very scary time, realizing how close we were to losing him. It was beyond scary.

I was down for a few weeks, actually. And I was shocked-- the three of them stepped up, took the bull by the horns, and when I came back everything was perfect.

(interview) I don't think last year we could've done it. If this would've happened before Ramsay came, I think Finn McCool's would've been doors locked, done.

Bloody good to see you.

Yeah?

Yeah. Honestly. [shakes Buddy's hand. Buddy has quite a grip] There it is-- I swear to God. Honestly, I feel like you crushed my fingers. It'll take three days for the blood to go back.

I cannot believe that this is how you guys are running a restaurant!

(interview) Through my head, I was thinking "We're going to be screwed!"

That's what in there?

That's the walk-in freezer.

That's the walk-in freezer? Look at the mess in here! What's this here?

Bacon.

Bacon. Yeah, obviously bacon, smart-arse! That's from lunch? Yeah, five years ago! You leave a spatula in there like that? I'm sorry. No. Fuck off. I cannot believe what you guys are doing here.

There was so much going on. My head was spinning. My head was about to explode. I thought to myself, this is a disaster.

What's that in there?

Shit, that didn't get put away.

(finds cooked chicken sitting next to raw chicken.) Oh, my god.

I don't know what the fuck...

Oh, fuck off! Oh, my god! Oh, no!

This is not good.

RAW CHICKEN!

That should never happen, you know?

Oh my god! CHRIS, THERE'S FUCKING CHICKEN AGAINST RAW CHICKEN!!

It's fucking...

(to Brian) HEY, PANINI-HEAD! LISTEN TO ME!

Yes?

YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE! I'VE EATEN HERE!! Partners? Partners in crime! You should be ashamed.

We are ashamed.

You've just contaminated the town! (Leaves the walk-in) Hey, Nick. Nick! Stop! Right now, this is not a romantic eat-out. This is a Valentine fucking massacre! IT'S A DISGRACE! How can you do this!? I'm closing this place down. SWITCH IT OFF!!

What I've just discovered is totally unacceptable. Enough is enough. Chris?

Yes, sir?

You are passionate about food. You feel deeply about it. I want to hear it.

I'm ready. I'm ready to tear it down and start over.

You've got a big pair of bollocks facing those customers tonight. What can be said about the "partner" you are in business with? (to Brian) Where were you? How many tables did you talk to? How many customers did you apologise to?

None.

How much support did you give the waiters, the manager?

None.

Right. You were doing jack-shit tonight. You make me sick.

Inspired by the fresh locally-grown apples, Chef Ramsay heads back to the restaurant to work on a special he has in mind for tonight's dinner service.

Right. What are they called.

(unenthusiastically) Apples?

Apples, fucking smartass.