Gordon quotes from Kitchen Nightmares

After feeling the heat of the firemen, Brian and sous chef Francis get back to work under the watchful eye of Gordon who can't believe what he sees.

Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis. Fuck me, he's deaf as a fucking bat. Francis, you took it off the floor and put it in the fryer and then back in the sauce.

Yeah, well the fryer is going to...is going to...take anything that comes off the floor and clean it.

But it fell on the floor.

Correct.

Put it back in the fryer.

Right into the fryer.

And it cleans it.

It cleans it. It sterilizes it.

Sterilises it?

Yeah, well...

Fuck me! "Sterilised it"?

What happened with that order?

I dropped a wing on the floor, picked it up and stuck it back in the fryer again.

(interview) We tried to keep everything consistent but some things get messed up every now and then.

What the fuck were you thinking?!

(outside) Oh my god. I've never, ever, ever seen anything quite extraordinary as that. Serves food off the floor and serves it to the customer? Oh, my God, no!

(watching Brian, in the kitchen, down a glass of beer) I want to see you and Ramsay chug.

I'll smoke him, and tuck him into bed. Goodnight, chef. (laughs) (interview) I'm a very confident person. I've been in the kitchen a long time. I'm almost positive we'll get a good review.

(waiting for his spring rolls) When you get a family business right, it goes on for generations; and here, it doesn't feel like a family-run business at all. Pubs are full of atmosphere, fun. It's got tweed-neck curtains, like you're going to visit your granny. Weird.

(arriving with spring rolls) Here you are; spring rolls with Coleman's mustard.

Wow. God. Very strange, bizarre-looking spring roll. (eats it) Damn. (to Melissa) Are they popular on the menu?

(hesitantly) People... really like them.

No doubt half the customers are drunk.

This is a tough half-hour of my life.

(to Brian) Not a big hit.

He didn't like it?

Nope. (interview) Brian's in the kitchen, wondering, and I'm like, "Nope."

Are you kidding me?

He really expected me to be like, "He loved it!" You know, "He wants you to come work for him!"

Come on! (drizzles balsamic on Gordon's salmon) Maybe try that one.

(serving the salmon to Gordon) Let me get you some clean silverware...

Thank you. (noticing the balsamic) God. What's this stuff, please, Melissa?

On top is a balsamic reduction. He (Brian) likes to use that a lot. On everything, he puts a little drizzle on.

A little? Thank you.

You're welcome. (leaves)

Always a sign of an insecure chef, when he macerates everything in balsamic vinegar. Look at this. (tastes it) Horrible. Doesn't taste of salmon at all.

(returning) All through?

Does my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?

No.

(sarcastically) Good. Lovely.

I don't even think he likes the water.

(to Brian) He asked me, "Will my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?" and I told him, "No, I assure you it will not."

Do I? Do I dare? (interview) I don't want to come off as conceited or cocky, but I know I'm very good at what I do. I know the back of the house well. I've done everything that's out there.

Let's try that one.

(serves the pie) Enjoy.

Thank you.

You're welcome. (leaves)

(digging into the shepherd's pie with his fork) It's just a big ball of grease. (eats it and grimaces) Just very, very greasy. (coughs and gags) Oh, God! That's disgusting.

(to Buddy) The toilet?

Second door on the left.

Oh, no...

[shows Lela the stolen food] This is Buzzard's little picnic. Nice little sandwich there, ham, cheese, mustard. Oh, nice big salad. And main course, we're going to tackle some New Zealand lamb.

I know where that came from.

Stop laughing. Here we are with a restaurant that's financially fucking screwed and you're just helping yourself to wine and a four course dinner.

(interview) He takes little things every now and then, but I haven't seen him do something like that in a while.

Now, listen. I'm not going to stand there and argue with you. You can have that! Okay? (walks out)

This lady owns it. Buzzard? Unbelievable.

(interview) We were thinking that he was doing that but I hadn't caught him in the act and today, well there it is.

(interview) I hate to have to fire anybody, but then you get to the point where if I can't get them to change what they're doing or whatever, then I have to get rid of him.

Can I see your eyes? Take your glasses off. (Buzzard takes off his shades) Buzzard, anything that belongs inside this restaurant belongs to Lela. Yeah? End of story. Nothing gets taken off this premise.

(interview) If it was up to me, I'd fire Buzzard's ass.

I get lots of people stealing from me and I just have one discipline, anyone who steals from me is out. End of story. Because, the message you send, they all see you do it, they all do it. Anyway, Lela, you're the one who's got to make the decision, it's your restaurant.

Yeah, so you know, I'm sorry but this is going to be it. All right? This is it.

(interview) Buzzard ain't going to be back here. He ain't going to be buzzing around here and he's truly a buzzard.

Day three. Gordon is determined to get through to this stubborn chef with help from a little shock therapy.

Okay, a new day, and I'm determined that this guy is going to finally start listening to what I'm trying to say. So this morning, I've shut the place down, I've bought it up and I'll make him understand that if doesn't start changing and listening to what I'm trying to say, that's the end result.

And that's the end result that no restaurant wants to see.

[taking off his jacket] Fucking hell.

With the restaurant on the verge of success, Chef Michel is insisting on reverting back to his old ways, and Gordon has reached his breaking point.

Thank you very much, I think it's great--

Cut the bullfuck. You don't care anymore, do you? Just get straight to the fucking answer.

No, I'm not cutting no bullfuck. I'm just telling it like it is.

Get straight to the fucking answer.

Okay? Alright?

Okay.

Alright, good. Your menu is not better than mine. You know?

You're a donkey!

My food has been voted Best Chef in Ventura County.

WHAT?!

Yeah, listen--

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on! Let me finish!! Let me finish!! You put your fucking hands up here, listen to me. You run a shit-hole of a kitchen! Fuck yourself!! Okay?!

No! No! No!

Fuck off! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TURN AROUND AND TELL ME, WHEN YOU WORK LIKE A PIG? YOU FRENCH PIG!!!

Yeah, you know what...

You lazy pig! You're so full of shit! Open your eyes and have a look around!

Big words, big mouth! Big mouth! You're not happy?

I'm FUCKING happy!

You can get out! You can get out!

Go on! [gives Michel the inverted V sign] Fuck yourself!

You can get out! It's my fucking kitchen!

Yeah, is it? Well, if it's your FUCKING KITCHEN, THEN CLEAN IT, YOU LAZY CUNT!

No!

How have you been?

Eh, I had a little glitch there for a little bit.

What happened?

I had a heart attack.

What?!

(interview) My father's heart attack was a very traumatizing experience in a lot of different ways.

(interview) And it was bad. The doctor told him he could have died.

(interview) That was a very scary time, realizing how close we were to losing him. It was beyond scary.

I was down for a few weeks, actually. And I was shocked-- the three of them stepped up, took the bull by the horns, and when I came back everything was perfect.

(interview) I don't think last year we could've done it. If this would've happened before Ramsay came, I think Finn McCool's would've been doors locked, done.

Bloody good to see you.

Yeah?

Yeah. Honestly. [shakes Buddy's hand. Buddy has quite a grip] There it is-- I swear to God. Honestly, I feel like you crushed my fingers. It'll take three days for the blood to go back.

When was the last time this fridge was cleaned?

A week ago.

Oh, come on, this hasn't been cleaned in years.

No, it has.

No, it hasn't, I'm sorry. Twenty-one years in the business, I'll bet every fucking dollar that I have, this fucking place hasn't been cleaned in years.

Why are we serving potato skins? Do you want to come to an "authentic Italian restaurant" with potato skins?

Definitely not.

A lot of people come here with their kids, and their kids don't want--

Hey, I've lived in Italy. I've seen Italian families, the way they eat together. They don't serve fucking children in Italy potato skins with plastic cheese, I can assure you.

The Trobiano's salad is excellent. It's chopped.

Why would you chop it?

People seem to love it.

Is that because of their teeth?

You tell me about the passion with the Maine lobsters. Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?

Same waters, North Atlantic waters.

You're telling me now...a Canadian lobster, half the price of a Maine lobster, is the same taste and flavour? There's a big difference. I can't get Maine lobsters.

That's right, so they get them from Canada.

I'm using Canadian lobsters.

That's right. That's what they do.

But I don't advertise them as "Maine."

You tell me, is it a different animal?

"Maine" is a "Canadian" lobster for you?

Homarus americanus. Same animal, right?

Holy shit...

I'm asking you a question.

What you're trying to dictate to me is that you're selling "Maine" lobster - they're not from Maine.

Well, it comes from the same vendor.

[at a loss] Holy shit! The award-winning Maine lobster roll... is Canadian!

You amaze me.

What?

Because all week long, face-to-face, you fucking pretend to care.

Oh, fuck, Gordon. Come on.

You don't give two fucks about this place.

Really?

You're not passionate about running a restaurant.

Really?

You're just abusing it and using it.

How did I- what, what, what did I do?

I've never met an individual that's so full of shit in all my life.

How have I been lying to you, Gordy? How? Tell me.

Gordy?

Yeah, how? You want to disrespect me, I can disrespect you too. But tell me how I'm lying to you.

I'm not disrespecting you. I'm telling you the truth.

No, you're disrespecting me because you don't know the truth.

You're just massaging your fucking ego.

Gordon, bullshit.

What do you mean, bullshit?

Not true.

From the first minute you walked in this fucking door, standing there with your big long coat and your fucking sunglasses looking like proud cock, that was it. First impressions. Then you start debating lobsters because you think you're some smart-arse on the back of few fucking shit dive books. [flashback] Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?

[flashback] Homarus americanus. Same animal, right?

"Humanus americanus", my arse-us.

Hmm.

With 21 restaurants under my belt, I work my fucking arse off.

So what? So what?

And I never take anything for granted.

[sarcastically] Fascinating, Gordon.

You treat the staff like shit. You amaze me.

Never. Never did that.

Excuse me?

Never. [flashback] Cat, it's policy here for you not to have a drink here after your shift, but you often do. [normal] Never.

You can't even be honest with yourself, let alone me. Mate, you've been exposed.

Exposed?

You're a hypocrite.

Is that right?

Absolutely. For you, it's about a fucking TV show. This man [points to Greg], it's about a restaurant. Fuck the TV, David. And, I mean fuck it. This is real for me. And for you, it's an image.

I disagree with you on almost everything you said.

You do?

Yeah, I do.

Why do you disagree?

Because you're wrong. The great Gordon Ramsay is wrong.

You're a sad fuck. My advice would be for him [points to Greg] to get his partners, get your money out—yeah?—and disappear.

Yeah, alright. My advice would be for you to disappear, and the sooner the better.

You don’t get it, do you?

Fuck you, Gordon; of course I get it.

This restaurant has every chance of succeeding... but not while you are in it, because you’re not passionate. You’re soulless.

Say what you like. Let me get out of here.

You’re ungrateful.

We sat here wondering why this business is on its ass. It starts with the top job, it's called responsibility. (to John) No wonder you've given up.

(interview) I've been in denial, I've lowered my standards, and it takes somebody like a Gordon Ramsay to come in and wake you up.

I cannot believe that this is how you guys are running a restaurant!

(interview) Through my head, I was thinking "We're going to be screwed!"

That's what in there?

That's the walk-in freezer.

That's the walk-in freezer? Look at the mess in here! What's this here?

Bacon.

Bacon. Yeah, obviously bacon, smart-arse! That's from lunch? Yeah, five years ago! You leave a spatula in there like that? I'm sorry. No. Fuck off. I cannot believe what you guys are doing here.

There was so much going on. My head was spinning. My head was about to explode. I thought to myself, this is a disaster.

What's that in there?

Shit, that didn't get put away.

(finds cooked chicken sitting next to raw chicken.) Oh, my god.

I don't know what the fuck...

Oh, fuck off! Oh, my god! Oh, no!

This is not good.

RAW CHICKEN!

That should never happen, you know?

Oh my god! CHRIS, THERE'S FUCKING CHICKEN AGAINST RAW CHICKEN!!

It's fucking...

(to Brian) HEY, PANINI-HEAD! LISTEN TO ME!

Yes?

YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE! I'VE EATEN HERE!! Partners? Partners in crime! You should be ashamed.

We are ashamed.

You've just contaminated the town! (Leaves the walk-in) Hey, Nick. Nick! Stop! Right now, this is not a romantic eat-out. This is a Valentine fucking massacre! IT'S A DISGRACE! How can you do this!? I'm closing this place down. SWITCH IT OFF!!

What I've just discovered is totally unacceptable. Enough is enough. Chris?

Yes, sir?

You are passionate about food. You feel deeply about it. I want to hear it.

I'm ready. I'm ready to tear it down and start over.

You've got a big pair of bollocks facing those customers tonight. What can be said about the "partner" you are in business with? (to Brian) Where were you? How many tables did you talk to? How many customers did you apologise to?

None.

How much support did you give the waiters, the manager?

None.

Right. You were doing jack-shit tonight. You make me sick.