Gordon quotes from Kitchen Nightmares

This is Cheryl, this is my manager.

And you manage the kitchen and the front of the house?

Um, front of the house.

Catering...

...and I do catering as well.

What's wrong with the place?

Lack of customers...

So why have we got lacking the customers?

We need more customers, we need to figure out how to get more people in here...

(covering his face with his hand in disbelief) Ok. Thank you, and you're the manager?

Yeah...

Oh my God...! A manager that didn't even know what's wrong with the restaurant is scary.

What’s with the defense mechanism?

(laughs) Oh, my God. Don’t you get defensive if somebody comments on your food like that?

I don’t cook shit like that.

When was the last time somebody complained about the food?

Well, last night.

Mm-hmm, and what did they say?

It was bland.

And were they right or they wrong?

No, they’re right. But... you’re off the wall with what you’re saying.

Here’s the difference between you and me: I listen for feedback. You can’t handle it. I came here because you asked me to come and help you, and your reaction to me telling you something quite constructive in a very calm manner is a joke.

Ok, so you want me to be your fucking puppet?

Why are you shouting? Why—

Because you’re pissing me the fuck off!

So shut the fuck up and talk properly. Is this the way you react when I’m not even here? (to the staff) Is this an old procedure when— it is, yeah?

Oh, you’re gonna get your fucking ass kicked.

Oh, there you go. Madam, you have an attitude problem. I‘m not too sure which is worse: the food, or the attitude.

(to the staff) Ooh, can I hit him now? (to Gordon) You know, a lot of people said you were a jerk; I think I believe it. Anything else?

Fuck this. No fucking way. What a sad case.

You all right? (CeCe is sobbing) No, come on.

I can’t start to even attempt to help unless you come to terms with the problem, and that is the food.

It’s good when I cook!

Come on! This is not a game for me!

It’s not a fucking game for me; this is my life! It’s not a joke for me! Don’t start saying that; it’s not a joke! It’s not a joke for me. I care! If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t fucking be here, so stop saying I don’t care! Just stop, please.

I haven’t said that!

Yes, you did.

What I’m trying to tell you is that you have to come to terms, internally, that there is a huge problem and that is with the food.

(interview) Nobody wants to hear that anything that they do sucks. I don’t like to fail. Death would be better than failing.

It’s certainly not a sign of weakness to admit your failings. I’ve closed three restaurants but I also have a number of successful ones. One-thousand, six-hundred and fifty members...

I know who you are.

That’s—

And it’s— It’s— I—

A “jerk,” you told me earlier.

Well, you can be a jerk.

Stop acting like a petulant teenager! I’m not gonna stand there and be a doormat for you to take the piss out of me. Let’s get one thing right: you asked me here and I’m here to help, so let me in.

Okay, the food sucks. There, you happy?

There’s a problem with the way the food is prepared, there’s a problem with the way the food is ordered, there’s a problem with the way the food is not respected... I’m sorry, CeCe, but it’s just not good enough.

How are you doing sir?

(to Q) Wait a second. (to Nylah) I recognise this man.

Ah-ha.

How are you doing?

(to Q) Your first name is...

Q.

From Sebastian's.

Yeah.

Possibly one of the most difficult, arrogant, jumped-up owners I have met in my entire life.

I thought you'd say that.

What the hell are you doing here?

Good question.

You're the owners?

Yes.

Ok, great. (searching through his Danish dictionary) Hvordan er du? (How are you?)

I'm sorry. No Danish here.

But... it is a Danish restaurant?

The Danes have left the building.

So... the chef's Danish?

No... he's Cuban.

Cuban...

I've never been to a Japanese restaurant where I can have a pizza... sushi style... and a chef owner that's no longer in the kitchen. I'm nervous.

Just go with it.

Ok.

Um... that's the sushi pizza?

It sure is. It's rice, salmon, crab, and mayonnaise... some cheese...

Wow. Thank you darling. Japanese pizza? (Takes a bite and spits it out) Sorry. That... is rancid.

(In an interview) Chef had fair warning that it was going to be terrible. (laughing)

Mhm!

I told him not to get it!

It looks like the lobster was dead before they cooked it.

The lobster's from the tank.

You want to take a look?

No, I think they're just sleeping.

Is it? It must be dead.

We keep a good eye on them.

You keep a good eye on them? Surely not. [pulls the "sleeping" lobster out of the tank] He's fucking dead. A dead lobster!

You look live you've been in this business for thirty years.

I haven't.

Oh really?

Six years.

What were you doing before that?

Laying brick.

[after doing a double take] So it's you and who?

Colleen and Naomi. They own the place.

OK, brilliant.

I'm actually going out with Colleen.

You're going out with Colleen?

Yeah.

Oh, so you're going out with one of the owners?

Yeah.

Ex-customer?

Yeah.

Right.

Somebody spit on my food? What is that?

It's coulis mango sauce.

Oh, coulis mango. Thank you. [she leaves] Looks like something out of a modern art museum. Splat! Okay... [takes a bite] Wow. That's fucking disgusting. It's rancid. Plastic bits of crap running through the crab cakes.

Jesus. It's like somebody's dropped sliced onions into boiling dishwater. Dreadful.

How's the French onion?

Off to a bad start unfortunately. It's like somebody's pissed in my soup.

That's not good, we'll take this away.

Guys, the French onion, he said it's like piss. The flavor he said was no good.

(to Mitch) I told you the onion soup wasn't right.

We know, I know.

But how are you going to educate these guys to do that right?

I don't know, I'll find out.

That gravy's made from...

Beef.

Beef stock on a shepherd's pie.

Yes.

A shepherd's pie is made out of...

This one is actually beef.

Then it's a cottage pie, not a shepherd's pie, because the shepherd stands for the...

The sheep.

Bad, that's gross.

And it's not hot either.

That's part of the reason why I'm not coming back because it's watery.

Fucking hell. My God.

Oh Lord.

That's gross.

No good, Chef?

It's soft, bland, rubbery. I didn't realize it would be this bad.

(to Chief) You're from Ireland.

Yes.

What happened here today had nothing to do with Ireland. Shepherd's pie - well, fuck me, that wasn't shepherd's pie. If you went to Dublin and you serve shepherd's pie like that, they would shoot you.

What is that?

Mozzarella sticks.

Can you see that there? Blood, blood from where?

From the meat.

Blood from the meat on the mozzarella sticks.

Come on, guys. Thank God I didn't have the fucking mozzarella sticks. Look like a blood transfusion going on down there.