Moe quotes from Kitchen Nightmares

I NEED THIS FUCKING PLACE SCRUBBED DOWN, TOP TO BOTTOM! I WANT THE TVs WIPED! I WANT THE PIANO WIPED! I WANT THIS PLACE CLEAN! WHAT PART DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?! [throws down a chair] WE JUST SHUT DOWN THE FUCKING RESTAURANT!!! TONIGHT!!! NOBODY SEEMS TO GET THAT SHIT!!! CLEAN THIS FUCKING MESS!!!

If I don't like the changes, I will send him back to British with a black eye.

Oh, my God. [groans] It's tough?

Look how tough the duck is!

You said it's tough?

It is tough, man! Cut it! And look- I'm 500 pounds, and look... [tries to cut it]

It is not tough.

The meat is tough!

I'm hungry and I'm going to eat it my fucking self.

Enjoy it then!

[interview] That's my favorite dish on the menu. And that duck is not going nowhere. This is going to stay quacking on my menu.

I don't give a fuck if he doesn't like it. [takes a bite] Man, this duck is so fucking good, man. (interview) Oh my gosh. (Kisses).

Hey look, that's the skin.

It's tough. (interview) Moe doesn't get it. He doesn't want to listen, he still thinks it's tender. I don't know what kind of teeth he has.

You know what? I'd like him to come back here and cook the duck and show him what his duck gonna look like. We're going to call it the "Gordon duck!" (laughs; Gordon can hear it.) It's going to be a British duck right there! (laughs)

What the hell's going on in there?

How's it going, Chef?

They're laughing. What is going on in there?

The food is coming back to the kitchen and they think it's a joke.

Um, can I meet the chef?

Absolutely.

[Mocks Gordon back in the kitchen] "It's bloody dreadful! Fucking bloody!"

[interview] Chef Ramsay is clueless. I really don't think that British can cook. Period.

Damon, executive chef? How long have you been here?

About six and a half months.

I don't know where to start, but here's the thing: the food is embarrassing. No passion, no flavour. The crab cakes, they weren't made fresh. Do you freeze crab cakes? Damon?

No.

You don't freeze them? Soggy, covered in sauce?

Chef, I'd like to step on this side, to be on your side, because they do freeze the crab cakes. (interview) I had to step from that line and go to Chef Ramsay's side. How is he going to help us if you're lying to him?

Why are we lying to each other here? Are they frozen, yes or no?

Yes.

They are? Why do you want to bullshit me? I could taste they're frozen.

But there's a good reason why we freeze the crab cakes.

Tell me the good reason behind freezing crab cakes.

Because we don't have enough customers here to serve the crab cakes, so the only thing to prevent them from going bad is to freeze them.

Why make so many?

The batch is big basically.

I don't understand this.

Why would you make a big batch?

(interview) Rami... fuck you, you just sold me out to fucking Chef Ramsay!

Damon, when was the duck cooked?

I can't give you an answer.

Oh, come on! I mean, what the fuck is this?

I don't know.

(flabbergasted) You don't know when the duck was cooked?!

No.

Do you know when the duck was cooked?

No sir, I don't.

Do you know when the duck was cooked?

Holy shit!

I know when the fucking duck was cooked! I know!

Well, thank fuck for that!! Solve the mystery!!

We cook the duck off the premises. And we usually cook it about once a month.

You cook the duck off the premises?

Yes, in our commissary kitchen.

And it stays in the fridge for a month?!

Freezer.

Oh, shit! So, you cook the duck, you freeze it, and then you bring it in like a shipment?

How many fucking times do you want me to say it?

Because I'm fucking embarrassed! You're just bullshitting me because you haven't got the balls to step up to the fucking plate!

(approaches Gordon and gets in his face) Well, this is me stepping up to the fucking plate!

WELL, TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH THEN!!

What the fuck else do you need to know?!

The truth!!

You can't do that! You can't do that!

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?!!

You need to chill out! You cannot do that! He's here to help us fix the problem!

Do I not deserve the fucking truth? I asked you if (the crab cakes) are frozen, you lied. I said when did you cook the duck? "I don't know." Why couldn't you be honest? If that's how deluded you guys are, that you can't even tell me the truth, I'm really sorry. I'm not here to help fucking liars, let me tell you that. Do you know what? I don't know where to even start. (leaves) Fuck me!

(finds a container of spoiled shrimp) What's this? Oh, fucking hell.

Oooooh...

(smells the shrimp) Oh my... (starts coughing and then throws up in a bin) Shit! How old are they?

I don't know.

Just smell them. (Damon smells) Smell them.

(smelling) Oh! (interview) The smell was like "Argh!" I had no idea... Chef... Damon was doing such a shitty job.

Look at the colour of them! All this shit is tarnished now, the whole fucking lot is tainted!

(interview) It's just... unacceptable. I mean Chef Damon should know better, he's an executive chef.

(finding tons of pasta in the fridge) I'm trying to help you understand the method in your madness.

Hey, asshole, I'm not the one who just said it was done yesterday! I asked my prepper--

You can call me a fucking arsehole all you want. So get fucking angry with me.

You're standing right here hearing me ask the person who knows and I gave you his answer, not mine.

Right, who's the fucking chef around here?

I am.

Right. Bags of jambalaya, in the fridge, warm. Have you any idea what happens to jambalaya in the fridge when it's still warm in the centre?

Grows the bacteria?

"Grows the bacteria"? (Finds bins of crabs) And how many crabs are you selling, "chef," over the next fucking three months? Lost for words? (Flabbergasted) Really?! Another box of crab cakes. When were these made? No date, you see, "chef."

(Interview) There was nothing but dollar signs going through my mind. Soft shell crabs, jambalaya, crawfish étouffée thrown straight down the garbage. Chef Damon basically just took the money right out of our pockets.

(Finds a dirty tray) I don't what you think you should be taking out of containers... and sort of... cleaning out your fridge from time to time. One fucking question to you: who's the arsehole now, "chef"?

I am. (his eyes twitch)

I didn't come in here to humiliate you. But how DARE you serve me food from this disgusting fridge, then STAND there, and call me an arsehole, "chef"?! Excuse me... "chef."

Today is a wake up call for us. The person who is running this kitchen is not up to this job. He's made a lot of damages to this restaurant and we need to tell him that he needs to go.

Yeah, that's what we should've done a long time ago.

Can you please go get Chef Damon?

(interview) It was always my suggestion that we have to let Chef Damon go, but Moe always told me that he can do the job. Finally, Moe has realized that he's not the right guy for us.

Today was a wake up call for me. Chef Ramsay came here and he went to the back and he pointed out all things that are going wrong. Right now, I feel like you are part of this problem.

I'm not, Moe.

How can you not know that you're not supposed to put the jambalaya when it's hot in the walk in? How can you not know that? You're an executive chef! How can you not know that? Can you explain?

I didn't do it. Our prep people did it. I didn't realize that they did it and I've coached them repeatedly to not do that.

Chef, the problem is excuses. Every time I tell you we have an issue, you just hit me with nothing but excuses and I'm at a point where I cannot take any more excuses. Do you understand that? Do you understand? We cannot afford to have any more shit happen today! We've lost about five grand! WE SHUT DOWN THE RESTAURANT TONIGHT BECAUSE OF THE KITCHEN ISSUES!! Do you understand that? (Damon nods) It's the problem and right now you're the one who caused the problem! Do you understand that? Today, I've made a decision. With all due respect chef, today's your last day at the restaurant. Thank you.

I'm going to do some work in the kitchen. Do you have any recipes...on pen and paper?

(points to his head) Right here.

What?!

Right here.

So why aren't they on paper? Why haven't we got a database?

I like to keep my recipes secrets. If I put them on a piece of paper, I don't want anyone to steal them.

Fucking hell. Oh, Jesus Christ. So you're worried that somebody gets the recipe and copies it.

Anybody changes my recipe, I'm going to kill them. It's my recipe.

Rami, help me out here. Is this for real?

This is what we do everyday chef. [Gordon laughs]

You think it's funny but believe what I tell you.

I don't think it's funny, You're just a little bit deluded.

Well you know what? The recipes are in my head.

(incredulously) Are you stupid?!

I am not stupid.

Moe, you are stupid. (interview) The kitchen absolutely don't know what the fuck to cook because the recipe is in Moe's head! It's crazy.

Don't call me stupid in my fucking restaurant! You understand that you need to learn how to talk to people?! This is New Orleans! You understand?!

Wow...

This is New Orleans! Don't fucking come down here talking to us like that!

Calm down...

I have NEVER been chewed up like you chewed me up! (in interview) We got nothing but swamp around here! Anybody who talk like that get chopped up and fed to the fucking alligators!

I'm not here to blow smoke up your fucking arse, let me tell you that. I'm here to fix this restaurant. But you are one obstacle, aren't you?

No, I'm an easy-going guy...I listen, I work hard....

But you're a..."busy idiot."

....I don't think he gets it that he needs to watch his language.

But you're not getting that he's here to help us.

But I'm not calling him an idiot, he's calling me an idiot.

"Busy" idiot.

Busy idiot.

You're working hard in the wrong places.

I mean, I feel like flipping the fucking table right now.

Did you hear what he just said? He just explained it, you're working hard in the wrong places.

Busy idiot! Is he kidding me?! (in interview) I will stand up, beat the fuck out of him, and show him who the fucking idiot is!

What is it you want? A fight?

(long pause) My problem is, I want to make this restaurant successful.

So do I. I'm here to help. I don't want to see you running around killing yourself like a busy idiot. I've just gone over the fact that we haven't got any recipes on paper, and all in your head. You're worrying about writing them down for some other chef copying them and making their restaurants more successful than yours. I'm in the real world. That's where I am. You're treating me like one of your fucking staff. Well, let me tell you, Moe, I'm not a member of your staff. Flip the table, punch me, do the fuck what you want to do. But don't fuck with me.