Joe quotes from Kitchen Nightmares

If people start bitchin', the meatballs are gonna come out of the kitchen.

We do things with passion, with integrity... the food here at the bistro is the freshest, hands down.

Why are we serving potato skins? Do you want to come to an "authentic Italian restaurant" with potato skins?

Definitely not.

A lot of people come here with their kids, and their kids don't want--

Hey, I've lived in Italy. I've seen Italian families, the way they eat together. They don't serve fucking children in Italy potato skins with plastic cheese, I can assure you.

It looks like the lobster was dead before they cooked it.

The lobster's from the tank.

You want to take a look?

No, I think they're just sleeping.

Is it? It must be dead.

We keep a good eye on them.

You keep a good eye on them? Surely not. [pulls the "sleeping" lobster out of the tank] He's fucking dead. A dead lobster!

And these are... little carrots?

Micro-carrots.

Micro-carrots? From...

From a local farm.

Do you not think you should let it grow a bit?

Well, I don't think they're there to be really eaten, they're for garnish.

Okay.

It's a garnish. Nice to add some color.

Oh.

But I would like to explain what we're spending on micro-carrots.

Yeah. Can we go through this after?

[interview] I have staff here that'll take care of that. You don't hand me raw food in MY dining room.

Joe, I get upset when I see fakery from a frozen ravioli, a frozen perch, frozen oysters. And when you deny it, that makes me mad.

Well, let's talk about that.

Yeah, because you're making up stories.

I'm not making up stories.

Yes, you are. That's how fucking deluded you are.

No, I'm not deluded. We have fresh stuff, okay?

I'm struggling here to stay in this building right now. I swear to God.

Gordon, I got to cook right now.

Now isn’t a good time? I wish you would. I'm standing here watching a dead man walking.

Are they raw onions in there? What's that? Did you put raw onions in there?

I didn’t; no.

Why are we doing this to each other?

I don’t know.

Is this a wind-up? Look at me. You're putting raw onions in the soup. I don't know if you're just fucking around. I'm—I'm lost, Joe. Why are you doing this?

You said earlier that it needed more onions. Okay? We responded by putting the onions in there, so they had more of a bite to it.

It's raw. What's the matter with you? We send that out, it’s going to come straight back!

What do you want to hear?

Take it off, Joe!

Take it off the menu?

86 it! Save whatever little reputation you've got left! MAN! Surely you've got a bit more respect than that! I'm trying to reason with you, Joe.

I get it.

Fine.

I get it.

Fine! But I am not here to show an idiot you can't put fucking raw onions in an onion soup! I can't teach you that! That's called common sense! That, in your tiny mind, is not common!

Pardon?

(to Tom) Come here, you. Should we put raw onions in a caramelised onion soup?! TELL HIM!!

(to Joe) No.

(to Tom) Thank you! (to Joe) You've got talented staff to tell you that! Ask your chef!

[starts making an elk quesadilla] Do you want to see how we make this crap?

I haven't got the appetite, Joe.

I know because you wouldn't come over here and say "Don't get it that crispy." or "Don't do that with it."

What the fuck are you on? What the fuck are you on? I won't come over here saying "Get that a bit crispy". An elk quesadilla that you want confirmation that it's a fucking good dish? When are you going to pull your head out of your fucking arsehole?! For a man who stands there and boasts at his fucking farm and his goats and you want me to talk about this?! Seriously?! Wake up, Joe! You're joking, aren't you?

We're making these two these. You know what I'm saying? I know you don't like the dish.

It's disgusting, Joe!

So you wouldn't give me any input on it?

Get rid of it!

You want me to get rid of it right fucking now?!

I would! I would!

Get rid of the fucking thing! We don't have it!

Oh, here we go! Here we go!

We don't have it!

Here we fucking go!

Make yourself clear.

Stop asking such ridiculous questions! "Come over here and tell me it's crispy." ARE YOU THAT STUPID?!!

So don't - fucking - serve the thing, right?

WHOSE RESTAURANT IS THIS?!

It's my restaurant, and I'm asking for fuckin' help!

(over) THEN ACT... FUCKING RESPONSIBLE!!!

I'm asking for FUCKIN' help!

THEN WAKE UP!!

YOU wake up!

IDIOT!!

Fuckin' come in here and help me, instead of running your jaw!

You shouldn't even be in the kitchen! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!

(under) Go ahead! Go ahead! You put it all together! You got it right!

(to Tom) Let's finish this. Let's finish it. (to Joe) FUCK OFF THEN!

You fuck off!

(throws the quesadillas on the floor) Yeah, and take that shit with you! That's right, we're stopping an elk quesadilla! Breaking news in Mexico!

That's all I'm asking!

GET OUT!!! Now we got rid of the fucking problem. Unbelievable. Un-fucking-real.