KevinI remember normal. Back when I was normal, I wanted them to buy me a car. You know what they said? They said "No." they said "Be a man. Get a job, buy your own car." So, what's changed since then? Huh? Joan, what's changed?
Kevin
Yep. Nobody expects me to be a man anymore.
[Kevin leaves, Joan yells after him]
You stopped trying! You just sit around and smoke in the park like some subdefective!
(To Charlotte) So, are you a detective?
BMs. Bloome
No. Actually I'm a psychic.
A psychic, that's interesting.
BMs. Bloome
Your daughter has a very special connection to the universe.
No, it's true. She is from another planet.
[Ms Bloome walks over to Kevin and whispers something in his ear that leaves him shocked.]
BMs. Bloome
[To Helen] It was nice to meet you. You have a lovely family.
[To Kevin] What did she say to you?
Kevin
Nothing.
Kevin
Joan, can I borrow your hair dryer so I can look extra handsome for my job interview at Wiener World? Joan?
[Springing up from under her blanket] WHAT?
Kevin
[Jumps] Don't scare the cripple, my fight or flight impulse is very confused. What were you doing?
Kevin
So, I was in the "in" crowd. I just got to see the jerks closer up. Why do you think I spent so much time playing sports? I didn't like that social thing so much. People were mean, it was boring. I wanted to play my own game.
Oh my god! Somebody just said that to me yesterday. About chess.
Kevin
Well, it's the basic rule of any sport. Otherwise you're always on the defensive posture, always reacting to the other guy.
You really weren't happy in high school? You really felt like a reject sometimes?
Kevin
Everybody does. Even the ones who claim they don't. You-- you are going to find some people who totally get what a non-repulsive, sub-defective you are. Trust in yourself a little bit, you'll figure it out. And if you need me to roll over anyone, let me know.
Can I interrupt this moment of family tension to say that I will not be representing the school in the chess tournament.
Was that ever a possibility?
There was a brief moment of insanity.
Joan, that is such an honor. Why would you turn that down?
Because I don't know how to play chess. I keep telling everybody that but no one believes it.
Thank you. I don't understand it.
It's just strategy and a little bit of living in the future.
Please, no more talk about the future.
That's how it works, Dad. I mean, you see four moves ahead, it's empirical. You see five moves ahead, it's still grounded in science. I mean, who knows where the demarcation is? Now, if you see twelve moves ahead, maybe you're crossing over into psychic phenomenon. And maybe that's what a psychic does. She just sees the board of life better then we do.
There are a million people with white cars and dogs.
Kevin
[Interrupting to make a point] She said I'd dance at my wedding. That's what she told me. Then again, she said Joan has a special connection to the universe, so go figure.
There's this moose. And the moose is telling this other moose that the other moose is really an elk and as such should be running with another herd.
Kevin
Uh huh?
OK? But the moose is basing his whole assessment on what appears to be questionable evidence.
Kevin
Like his horns are kinda small?
Actually, it's more of a behavioral observation. Like, say the moose in question was seen sniffing a flower, which according to the first moose is elk-like. But the second moose isn't so sure. I mean, he doesn't feel like an elk, he doesn't have elk thoughts. Does it make him an elk just because he likes this one flower?
Kevin
Did you want to try a science metaphor?
...Does it mean I'm gay if I like a lesbian?
Kevin
Who have you been talking to?
I'd rather leave the moose out of it.
Kevin
Well, first of all, No. Liking a girl is liking a girl. And who says she's a lesbian?
That would be the moose again.
Kevin
Right, you know, usually this kinda thing you just know.
I know, but apparently there are all these indicators about me.
Kevin
Here's your only indicator. You ready? When you're alone, just kinda passing the time, what do you think about?
How to get past level five on Diablo. That kinda thing?
Kevin
No, I mean, OK, when you're in the shower?
OH! Right, well, sometimes I think about Condaleeza Rice. I mean, her influence is second only to Kissinger.
Kevin
:[Stares]
Um, and then there's Sigourney Weaver in Alien, Christina Ricci, Batgirl.
Kevin
Ok, stop. See, that's all you need to know.
So, I'm definitely a moose?
Kevin
Don't ever make me walk you through this again, OK?
You know, I'm not certain this magnet is powerful enough for my needs.
Kevin
Mm-hmm.
[He puts a little jar of paint in is pocket.]
See, 'cause what I want to do is make a rail gun that lessens the power requirements of the compulsator by increasing the magnetic field using ceramic magnets.
Kevin
Just give me the magnet!
[He puts the magnet and another jar of paint in his pocket.]
Oh. Well, Mr. Big bucks has a job and wants to show off. Thanks. What are you-- what are you doing?
Kevin
It's called the wheelchair discount.
[Kevin puts only 1 or 2 jars of paint on the counter. We know he has many more in his pockets.]
Kevin
Yeah.
Kevin
Shut up.
Kevin
Fine. Be jelly. I'm just trying to help you out here.
Kevin
[To the clerk] You want me to empty out my pockets or anything?
Kevin
'Cause sometimes my chair sets off the alarm.
CClerk
Uh, it won't be necessary. $3.87, please. See?
Kevin
[To Luke] It's like being invisible. Isn't that one of those geek powers you always used to wish for?
[To the clerk] Is this the strongest magnet you've got?
Kevin
[To Luke] That's $6.49 you could have saved. [And he wheels out]
[Kevin rolls back up to the counter and puts the remaining paint jars on the counter and leaves.]
I'm sorry, um, I'll pay for these.
CClerk
Poor guy, right? I mean, he's got it tough. Poor bastard.
Ok. See, what you're doing right there, you might as well spit on him. It even makes me want to steal from you. I know you're trying to be a nice guy, here, but still, I'd like to smash your face.
[Knocking on the door frame] I brought you the stuff you needed.
Kevin
The stuff you bought for me, you mean? I don't need it. I'm getting rid of all my toys.
Well, scale models are not toys.
Kevin
It's time for me to grow up.
I wasn't aware that was something you could just decide.
Kevin
I was the perfect big brother. Come on, admit it. I'm stronger, faster, better-looking.
Well, not better-looking.
Kevin
It's a reality, kid. Face it. People were nice to you because you were Kevin Girardi's kid brother. Probably kept you from being beat up about a hundred times.
I do seem to attract threats of violence.
Kevin
Last night, the natural order was reversed. You were the Big Brother. You were smarter and stronger and tougher.
Kevin
I'm the big brother in this family, in or out of the wheelchair, so get off of my cloud.
The cloud reference eludes me.
Kevin
Yesterday... that will not happen again.
Are you apologizing to me? No, no, of course not. Why--why would you? It's an explanation, and that's enough.
Kevin
If you can't get your money back, I'll reimburse you.
Well, that's ok. Of course. Yes, I can use the money. And you're fully capable.
Kevin
You're going to be proud of me again.
Kevin
Maybe if learned how to shoot some hoops, we could turn you into a real man - put a smile on your face.
[Kevin punches Luke in the arm, playfully]
God, why don't you just cut out the cocky athletic crap, Kevin. You're not that guy anymore and never will be again. [Pause] I'm - I'm sorry.
Kevin
What's your problem? The more things that go my way, the more pissed off you get. What's that about?
I said, "I'm sorry," okay? It won't happen again.
Kevin
Yes it will. What do you and your science friends call that - Law of Inertia? What is it?
[Kevin punches Luke again]
Kevin
What's the problem, Luke?
THAT! Right there. Do you have any idea how much I hated you for shoving me and hitting me and making fun of me all the time? And no one would say anything about it because you were the big star and I was just a geek. You know, after your accident, when I heard you'd never walk again, I was happy.
Joan of Arcadia · 72 quotes
