Cute Boy God quotes from Joan of Arcadia

Joan

Who are you?

Cute Boy God

I've known you since before you were born, Joan.

Joan

I'm going to ask you one more time.

Cute Boy God

I'm God.

Joan

You're what?

Cute Boy God

God.

Joan

Don't ever...talk to me again.

Joan

Let's... let's say you're God.

Cute Boy God

Joan, I am God.

Joan

Okay, well, let's see a miracle.

Cute Boy God

Okay. How 'bout that?

Joan

That's a tree.

Cute Boy God

Let's see you make one.

Joan

So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That is mad anti-climatic.

God

Anti climactic. Anti-climatic means you're against the weather.

Joan

Make Kevin walk, please? I just ask this one favor and then I'll never ask for one again. It's so easy for you. All you have to do is snap your fingers or blink your eyes. Just let Kevin stand up.

God

People ask me to do things - big things, little things - billions of times, every day.

Joan

What do you expect? You're God!

God

I put a lot of thought into the Universe; came up with the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them - not to mention, shows favoritism. Why should one person get a miracle, and not everybody else? Can you imagine the confusion? It's better when we all abide by the rules.

Joan

No miracles?

God

Miracles happen within the rules.

Joan Girardi? Sign Here.

Joan

Oh. I never get anything in the mail.

You owe eleven dollars and fifty cents.

Un uh. You have twelve dollars in you pocket you were going to use to buy a Frappuccino and a muffin when you skip history class after lunch. Which by the way. Do not do that.

Joan

Oh God. You're just a three ring circus aren't you?

God

Ok, price went up. Give me the whole twelve.

Joan

What are you going to do with money?

God

It's not what I'm going to do with it. It's what you're going to do without it.

God

Oh Joan, it would have been so much easier if you just read the book. Now I'm gonna have to send you to the basement.

Joan

You mean like, Hell?

God

No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out.

Joan

Because my life is completely unraveling. I'm up to my eyeballs in the drama of the high school mating ritual, and now, thanks to you, I've been mistaken as the school chess champion. How did this happen to me?

God

Which part?

Joan

How did I beat that kid at chess?

God

He was using logic. You weren't. It's impossible to guard against chaos. It's rare, but it happens. Black's move.

Joan

I don't want to... I don't know how to play this game.

God

And yet you play the game.

Joan

Because I'm forced to.

God

Forced to? Your friends make a suggestion, which you follow up on, and then you're surprised at the outcome? It's a causal universe. Move.

Joan

Wait a minute, I'm being punished because I made a tiny little effort to fit in?

God

It's not about punishment. It's that actions have consequences, and to be in denial of that is to be disengaged from the laws of the universe, which renders you powerless and vulnerable to an inordinate amount of pain. Other than that, it's no big deal... move.... (She touches one of the pieces and then changes her mind)No....

Joan

No?

God

It's a rule called "touch move." Once you touch a piece, you have to move that piece.

Joan

I'm not allowed to change my mind? What kind of universe is that?

God

Oh, you can change your mind, but you still have to play that piece. So you should think before you move.

Joan

Wait a minute, this is a metaphor... Yeah, I looked up "metaphor" and that's definitely an example... Yep... took the bait. So now I'm in the game. How do I get out?

God

There are many ways to get out; surrender is one, losing is another. Winning, cheating, which I don't recommend, but you have to do something. You have to have a strategy. See the number one rule in chess is this; whatever you do, don't play the other person's game. Play your own... Your move.

God

You should be nicer to your mother.

Joan

She's against me having a life.

God

She's against you getting hurt. She knows something about that.

Joan

Is this about those paintings?

God

Where do you think that kind of thing comes from in a person?

Joan

A mood?

God

You have a mood, you eat french fries. But when you have pain, it takes a little more work to deal with it.

Joan

She had to have done this before she had Kevin...

God

Before your father, even.

Joan

What happened to her?

Joan

Is that why she's so weird about me dating?

Joan

How bad was it?

God

It was evil, and I don't throw that word around.

Joan

I don't want to drive. Why are you making me?

God

Most young people want to drive. Why are you so hesitant?

Joan

Well you know everything. Why don't you tell me?

God

Perhaps your mother is correct. You're afraid of hurting yourself and ending up like Kevin.

Joan

Yeah, maybe she's right.

God

Balderdash! You've always been a headstrong, brave child not overly concerned with your own well-being - a trait you inherited from your father. What you fear is hurting someone else. You fear that one instance of bad judgement might entail consequences. Consequences like those...

Joan

Like Kevin? That's... that's why I don't want to drive. I mean, isn't that... isn't that a pretty good reason?

God

Being an adult isn't merely about risking your own well-being, it means risking others' - in cars, in love, in family - hurting others is always a possibility. That's what's difficult about being an adult: facing the harsh fact that you may hurt others even when you don't want to.

Joan

Then it's a flaw in the design, and who's fault is that?

God

It might help if you think of the Universe as an obstacle course. There's no flaw in the design, it's just -

Joan

Obstacles?

God

Time's up.

Joan

I have to wash my hair!

Well I'm God, my needs come first.

God

You can't fix everything, Joan.

Joan

She's my friend. I want to know what's gonna happen to her.

God

I know you do. But sometimes it's enough to plant the seed, walk away, and let the flower grow on its own.

Cute Boy God

Crazy is destructive. It tears down. I'm all about building up.

Joan

Then I suggest you take up carpentry.

God

It's a creation, Joan. It's not a destruction. And that's what I want you to do. I want you to be creative. I want you to build things.

Joan

I build lamps!

Joan

You stole that!

God

Well, technically, everything's mine.

Joan

You hurt me. Really bad. Why should I trust you again?

God

Why did you ever?

Joan

Look, we had some good times. And I'm fine with you being, you know, the divine "it." But I don't want to see you anymore. It's not you. It's me. I--I'm just-- I'm not the girl for you. I--I had... a taste of normal, and...I really liked it, you know? I really enjoyed being optimistic and... making my lamps.

God

Don't you miss me a little?

Joan

No... Please go.

God

Do you miss yourself? Because I do.