[On the phone] Yes sir. I understand, but I assure you, my guys are on it.
Sir? Who does he call Sir?
His boss.
He doesn't have a boss.
Sure he does. The Commissioner, the Mayor, the Attorney General, Mom.
WWoman
Joan Girardi? Sign Here.
Oh. I never get anything in the mail.
WWoman
You owe eleven dollars and fifty cents.
[Joan turns around to call her mom for the money.]
WWoman
Un uh. You have twelve dollars in you pocket you were going to use to buy a Frappuccino and a muffin when you skip history class after lunch. Which by the way. Do not do that.
Oh God. You're just a three ring circus aren't you?
Ok, price went up. Give me the whole twelve.
What are you going to do with money?
It's not what I'm going to do with it. It's what you're going to do without it.
Tell your brother to stop with the after-shave. First, he has nothing to shave. Second, it smells like picked eggs. And third, he sits behind me and I'm allergic. I have like, one working sinus left.
You smell that? It's like essence of pimp.
Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's really girly. Hard to believe he's straight.
Hard to believe and hard to care.
You know, I know he's not your type, I know he isn't mine. (Grace gives her a look) If he weren't my brother. I'm more into athlete type. You know that's my thing. Football players, wrestlers. Abs. Big forearms.
Small cerebral cortex.
(in a whisper) Wrestlers?
Mind your own business.
Oh Joan, it would have been so much easier if you just read the book. Now I'm gonna have to send you to the basement.
You mean like, Hell?
No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out.
G2Girl 2
You hit on Dax Hibbing?
I don't know Dax Hibbing.
G2Girl 2
Are you insane? They are like, such a unit. You can't get in there.
I don't know Dax Hibbing.
G2Girl 2
You're either a complete freak or my hero.
JSJoan's Chess Partner
Benjamin Franklin. (Joan clicks her timer) Interesting. Fianachetto.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
JSJoan's Chess Partner
Yeah, like I'm falling for that.
A horse can jump people right?
JSJoan's Chess Partner
That's funny.
TTeacher
How's it going?
JSJoan's Chess Partner
Shes bold. Kudos for the Dresden variation, but I'm about take her queen.
Which one is the queen? This one?
JSJoan's Chess Partner
Oh yeah, you're psyching me out.
(makes a move) Can I do that?
JSJoan's Chess Partner
Wow. I should have seen that. I should have seen it. Crap. In six moves, by a girl.
(To the teacher who is looking shocked) What happened? Did I win?
BMs. Bloome
When I was 29 I was in a car accident and I died. And no, I don't remember a tunnel. I didn't see any dead loved ones, no angels. Nothing like that. It's just that when I woke up, everything was different. I was different. I asked the doctor, and he said this was not uncommon among near-death survivors. And then shortly after that, I began having dreams that came true. And weird visions. It was like I could hear peoples thoughts. I don't know the why of it, but I made the decisions that as long as I had this bizarre ability, I might as well use it to help people.
And get paid for it. Help people for a price.
BMs. Bloome
Yeah, like you. Is it because of the tragedy? I mean that this makes you so angry and unwilling. You've had a tragedy.
Who hasn't?
(To Charlotte) So, are you a detective?
BMs. Bloome
No. Actually I'm a psychic.
A psychic, that's interesting.
BMs. Bloome
Your daughter has a very special connection to the universe.
[Awkwardly] No I don't.
No, it's true. She is from another planet.
[Ms Bloome walks over to Kevin and whispers something in his ear that leaves him shocked.]
BMs. Bloome
[To Helen] It was nice to meet you. You have a lovely family.
Nice to meet you.
[To Kevin] What did she say to you?
Nothing.
It's just... I was raised Catholic and I was taught that you don't ask God for specific things, but there is this one miracle that I would really, really like to have. Like something you see in a store and you can't stop thinking about it, and you start to believe that it already belongs to you, and it's just misplaced, but is it wrong? Can it actually do harm to pray for something you want?
PPriest
I think prayer can never hurt. As long as you understand you might not recognize the answer right away. Most miracles occur in hindsight.
Why don't I ever feel better after I talk to you?
PPriest
I don't know.
Because my life is completely unraveling. I'm up to my eyeballs in the drama of the high school mating ritual, and now, thanks to you, I've been mistaken as the school chess champion. How did this happen to me?
Which part?
How did I beat that kid at chess?
He was using logic. You weren't. It's impossible to guard against chaos. It's rare, but it happens. Black's move.
I don't want to... I don't know how to play this game.
And yet you play the game.
Because I'm forced to.
Forced to? Your friends make a suggestion, which you follow up on, and then you're surprised at the outcome? It's a causal universe. Move.
Wait a minute, I'm being punished because I made a tiny little effort to fit in?
It's not about punishment. It's that actions have consequences, and to be in denial of that is to be disengaged from the laws of the universe, which renders you powerless and vulnerable to an inordinate amount of pain. Other than that, it's no big deal... move.... (She touches one of the pieces and then changes her mind)No....
No?
It's a rule called "touch move." Once you touch a piece, you have to move that piece.
I'm not allowed to change my mind? What kind of universe is that?
Oh, you can change your mind, but you still have to play that piece. So you should think before you move.
Wait a minute, this is a metaphor... Yeah, I looked up "metaphor" and that's definitely an example... Yep... took the bait. So now I'm in the game. How do I get out?
There are many ways to get out; surrender is one, losing is another. Winning, cheating, which I don't recommend, but you have to do something. You have to have a strategy. See the number one rule in chess is this; whatever you do, don't play the other person's game. Play your own... Your move.
Joan, can I borrow your hair dryer so I can look extra handsome for my job interview at Wiener World? Joan?
[Springing up from under her blanket] WHAT?
[Jumps] Don't scare the cripple, my fight or flight impulse is very confused. What were you doing?
So, I was in the "in" crowd. I just got to see the jerks closer up. Why do you think I spent so much time playing sports? I didn't like that social thing so much. People were mean, it was boring. I wanted to play my own game.
Oh my god! Somebody just said that to me yesterday. About chess.
Well, it's the basic rule of any sport. Otherwise you're always on the defensive posture, always reacting to the other guy.
You really weren't happy in high school? You really felt like a reject sometimes?
Everybody does. Even the ones who claim they don't. You-- you are going to find some people who totally get what a non-repulsive, sub-defective you are. Trust in yourself a little bit, you'll figure it out. And if you need me to roll over anyone, let me know.
Sub-defective.
G2Girl 2
Back off, Pin Head.
That's Mister Pin Head to you.
You know what? I don't care about Dax Hibbing or Lynnie Charmichael, or my social resumé, or who's gay or who's not. I can't spend my time on this planet worrying about that stuff. There's other things to do.
G1Girl 1
Like what? Chemistry and chess?
Yeah, Like that. Now those guys might be nerds but at least they know what they're here for.
[After the girls walk away] You called me a nerd.
It was a metaphor.
Can I interrupt this moment of family tension to say that I will not be representing the school in the chess tournament.
Was that ever a possibility?
There was a brief moment of insanity.
Joan, that is such an honor. Why would you turn that down?
Because I don't know how to play chess. I keep telling everybody that but no one believes it.
I believe you.
Thank you. I don't understand it.
It's just strategy and a little bit of living in the future.
Please, no more talk about the future.
That's how it works, Dad. I mean, you see four moves ahead, it's empirical. You see five moves ahead, it's still grounded in science. I mean, who knows where the demarcation is? Now, if you see twelve moves ahead, maybe you're crossing over into psychic phenomenon. And maybe that's what a psychic does. She just sees the board of life better then we do.
There are a million people with white cars and dogs.
[Interrupting to make a point] She said I'd dance at my wedding. That's what she told me. Then again, she said Joan has a special connection to the universe, so go figure.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Joan of Arcadia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.