[Kevin is waiting for the bathroom]
Ok, Joan, here's the thing: it's the face you were born with - there's only so much you can do.
First of all, Eminem's birthday does not count as a religious holiday, and second, his birthday was October 17th.
Adam!
[Adam turns around and walks away]
[Sigh] He's never going to forgive me.
The dude has a photographic memory. Everytime he thinks he might forgive you, the image of you smashing his artwork just pops into his head. Not that I've discussed it with him.
MWMan with gun
Thirteen bucks?
I've got a wife and kids.
MWMan with gun
Oh, that changes everything, wife and kids. There's a free pass for that one.
I'm not begging for mercy, I'm explaining why I only have thirteen bucks in my wallet.
I don't want to drive. Why are you making me?
Most young people want to drive. Why are you so hesitant?
Well you know everything. Why don't you tell me?
Perhaps your mother is correct. You're afraid of hurting yourself and ending up like Kevin.
Yeah, maybe she's right.
Balderdash! You've always been a headstrong, brave child not overly concerned with your own well-being - a trait you inherited from your father. What you fear is hurting someone else. You fear that one instance of bad judgement might entail consequences. Consequences like those...
Like Kevin? That's... that's why I don't want to drive. I mean, isn't that... isn't that a pretty good reason?
Being an adult isn't merely about risking your own well-being, it means risking others' - in cars, in love, in family - hurting others is always a possibility. That's what's difficult about being an adult: facing the harsh fact that you may hurt others even when you don't want to.
Then it's a flaw in the design, and who's fault is that?
It might help if you think of the Universe as an obstacle course. There's no flaw in the design, it's just -
Obstacles?
Time's up.
I have to wash my hair!
PGPlumber/God
Well I'm God, my needs come first.
FFriedman
Why are you talking so fast?
[caffeine buzzed] Why are you listening so fast?
RARebecca Askew
How was breakfast this morning?
Tasty.
RARebecca Askew
I meant with your father.
Testy.
[to Friedman; caffeine buzzed] And you should hear what I'm not telling you, OK, so shut up!
When... when do you plan on having sex?
Oh, at my first opportunity.
What are you? Some kind of Peeping Tom?
It's not my fault I have a... naturally quiet tread.
And then I woke up in the hospital, I saw Dad's face, and I wondered..."Why does Mom think this man is so good-looking?"
I'm not... pregnant.
Then why was there a pregnancy kit in the bathroom? Because *I'm* not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves...
Mom.
Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three...
[covering ears] Ewwwww!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Joan of Arcadia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.