Luke quotes from Joan of Arcadia

Luke

As the great physicist Faraday once said, 'Nothing is too wonderful to be true.'

Luke

[to Friedman; caffeine buzzed] And you should hear what I'm not telling you, OK, so shut up!

Luke

So, what you do is that you shoot these photons at this piece of paper...

Joan

There's a pervert in the yard!!

Luke

..and a pervert appears in the yard.

Joan

What about my hair?

Luke

It's on your head.

Will

[On the phone] Yes sir. I understand, but I assure you, my guys are on it.

Joan

Sir? Who does he call Sir?

Luke

His boss.

Joan

He doesn't have a boss.

Luke

Sure he does. The Commissioner, the Mayor, the Attorney General, Mom.

Helen

(To Charlotte) So, are you a detective?

No. Actually I'm a psychic.

Helen

A psychic, that's interesting.

Your daughter has a very special connection to the universe.

Joan

[Awkwardly] No I don't.

Luke

No, it's true. She is from another planet.

[To Helen] It was nice to meet you. You have a lovely family.

Helen

Nice to meet you.

Will

[To Kevin] What did she say to you?

Kevin

Nothing.

Back off, Pin Head.

Luke

That's Mister Pin Head to you.

Joan

You know what? I don't care about Dax Hibbing or Lynnie Charmichael, or my social resumé, or who's gay or who's not. I can't spend my time on this planet worrying about that stuff. There's other things to do.

Like what? Chemistry and chess?

Joan

Yeah, Like that. Now those guys might be nerds but at least they know what they're here for.

Luke

[After the girls walk away] You called me a nerd.

Joan

It was a metaphor.

Joan

Can I interrupt this moment of family tension to say that I will not be representing the school in the chess tournament.

Luke

Was that ever a possibility?

Joan

There was a brief moment of insanity.

Helen

Joan, that is such an honor. Why would you turn that down?

Joan

Because I don't know how to play chess. I keep telling everybody that but no one believes it.

Luke

I believe you.

Joan

Thank you. I don't understand it.

Luke

It's just strategy and a little bit of living in the future.

Will

Please, no more talk about the future.

Luke

That's how it works, Dad. I mean, you see four moves ahead, it's empirical. You see five moves ahead, it's still grounded in science. I mean, who knows where the demarcation is? Now, if you see twelve moves ahead, maybe you're crossing over into psychic phenomenon. And maybe that's what a psychic does. She just sees the board of life better then we do.

Will

There are a million people with white cars and dogs.

Kevin

[Interrupting to make a point] She said I'd dance at my wedding. That's what she told me. Then again, she said Joan has a special connection to the universe, so go figure.

Luke

There's this moose. And the moose is telling this other moose that the other moose is really an elk and as such should be running with another herd.

Kevin

Uh huh?

Luke

OK? But the moose is basing his whole assessment on what appears to be questionable evidence.

Kevin

Like his horns are kinda small?

Luke

Actually, it's more of a behavioral observation. Like, say the moose in question was seen sniffing a flower, which according to the first moose is elk-like. But the second moose isn't so sure. I mean, he doesn't feel like an elk, he doesn't have elk thoughts. Does it make him an elk just because he likes this one flower?

Kevin

Did you want to try a science metaphor?

Luke

...Does it mean I'm gay if I like a lesbian?

Kevin

Who have you been talking to?

Luke

I'd rather leave the moose out of it.

Kevin

Well, first of all, No. Liking a girl is liking a girl. And who says she's a lesbian?

Luke

That would be the moose again.

Kevin

Right, you know, usually this kinda thing you just know.

Luke

I know, but apparently there are all these indicators about me.

Kevin

Here's your only indicator. You ready? When you're alone, just kinda passing the time, what do you think about?

Luke

How to get past level five on Diablo. That kinda thing?

Kevin

No, I mean, OK, when you're in the shower?

Luke

OH! Right, well, sometimes I think about Condaleeza Rice. I mean, her influence is second only to Kissinger.

Kevin

:[Stares]

Luke

Um, and then there's Sigourney Weaver in Alien, Christina Ricci, Batgirl.

Kevin

Ok, stop. See, that's all you need to know.

Luke

So, I'm definitely a moose?

Kevin

Don't ever make me walk you through this again, OK?

Luke

You know, I'm not certain this magnet is powerful enough for my needs.

Kevin

Mm-hmm.

Luke

See, 'cause what I want to do is make a rail gun that lessens the power requirements of the compulsator by increasing the magnetic field using ceramic magnets.

Kevin

Just give me the magnet!

Luke

Oh. Well, Mr. Big bucks has a job and wants to show off. Thanks. What are you-- what are you doing?

Kevin

It's called the wheelchair discount.

Will that be all?

Kevin

Yeah.

Luke

Kev? What?

Kevin

Shut up.

Luke

Give me the magnet.

Kevin

Fine. Be jelly. I'm just trying to help you out here.

Luke

Be that as it may--

Kevin

[To the clerk] You want me to empty out my pockets or anything?

No, it's ok.

Kevin

'Cause sometimes my chair sets off the alarm.

Uh, it won't be necessary. $3.87, please. See?

Kevin

[To Luke] It's like being invisible. Isn't that one of those geek powers you always used to wish for?

Luke

[To the clerk] Is this the strongest magnet you've got?

Uh, yeah. $6.49.

Kevin

[To Luke] That's $6.49 you could have saved. [And he wheels out]

Luke

Keep the change.

Out of a 20?

Luke

I'm sorry, um, I'll pay for these.

Poor guy, right? I mean, he's got it tough. Poor bastard.

Luke

Ok. See, what you're doing right there, you might as well spit on him. It even makes me want to steal from you. I know you're trying to be a nice guy, here, but still, I'd like to smash your face.

Luke

[Knocking on the door frame] I brought you the stuff you needed.

Kevin

The stuff you bought for me, you mean? I don't need it. I'm getting rid of all my toys.

Luke

Well, scale models are not toys.

Kevin

It's time for me to grow up.

Luke

I wasn't aware that was something you could just decide.

Kevin

I was the perfect big brother. Come on, admit it. I'm stronger, faster, better-looking.

Luke

Well, not better-looking.

Kevin

It's a reality, kid. Face it. People were nice to you because you were Kevin Girardi's kid brother. Probably kept you from being beat up about a hundred times.

Luke

I do seem to attract threats of violence.

Kevin

Last night, the natural order was reversed. You were the Big Brother. You were smarter and stronger and tougher.

Luke

And better-looking?

Kevin

I'm the big brother in this family, in or out of the wheelchair, so get off of my cloud.

Luke

The cloud reference eludes me.

Kevin

Yesterday... that will not happen again.

Luke

Are you apologizing to me? No, no, of course not. Why--why would you? It's an explanation, and that's enough.

Kevin

If you can't get your money back, I'll reimburse you.

Luke

Well, that's ok. Of course. Yes, I can use the money. And you're fully capable.

Kevin

You're going to be proud of me again.

Why are you talking so fast?

Luke

[caffeine buzzed] Why are you listening so fast?

Joan

When... when do you plan on having sex?

Luke

Oh, at my first opportunity.

Joan

What are you? Some kind of Peeping Tom?

Luke

It's not my fault I have a... naturally quiet tread.

Joan

I'm not... pregnant.

Luke

Then why was there a pregnancy kit in the bathroom? Because *I'm* not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves...

Joan

Mom.

Luke

Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three...

Joan

[covering ears] Ewwwww!