Helen quotes from Joan of Arcadia

Helen

First of all, Eminem's birthday does not count as a religious holiday, and second, his birthday was October 17th.

Helen

Luke, one breakdown a year is all we can handle. You'll have to wait.

Helen

(To Charlotte) So, are you a detective?

No. Actually I'm a psychic.

Helen

A psychic, that's interesting.

Your daughter has a very special connection to the universe.

Joan

[Awkwardly] No I don't.

Luke

No, it's true. She is from another planet.

[To Helen] It was nice to meet you. You have a lovely family.

Helen

Nice to meet you.

Will

[To Kevin] What did she say to you?

Kevin

Nothing.

Helen

It's just... I was raised Catholic and I was taught that you don't ask God for specific things, but there is this one miracle that I would really, really like to have. Like something you see in a store and you can't stop thinking about it, and you start to believe that it already belongs to you, and it's just misplaced, but is it wrong? Can it actually do harm to pray for something you want?

I think prayer can never hurt. As long as you understand you might not recognize the answer right away. Most miracles occur in hindsight.

Helen

Why don't I ever feel better after I talk to you?

I don't know.

Joan

Can I interrupt this moment of family tension to say that I will not be representing the school in the chess tournament.

Luke

Was that ever a possibility?

Joan

There was a brief moment of insanity.

Helen

Joan, that is such an honor. Why would you turn that down?

Joan

Because I don't know how to play chess. I keep telling everybody that but no one believes it.

Luke

I believe you.

Joan

Thank you. I don't understand it.

Luke

It's just strategy and a little bit of living in the future.

Will

Please, no more talk about the future.

Luke

That's how it works, Dad. I mean, you see four moves ahead, it's empirical. You see five moves ahead, it's still grounded in science. I mean, who knows where the demarcation is? Now, if you see twelve moves ahead, maybe you're crossing over into psychic phenomenon. And maybe that's what a psychic does. She just sees the board of life better then we do.

Will

There are a million people with white cars and dogs.

Kevin

[Interrupting to make a point] She said I'd dance at my wedding. That's what she told me. Then again, she said Joan has a special connection to the universe, so go figure.

Will

What you reading? [she shows him the book] Why?

Helen

Because for me, sometimes it's like Kevin died, and I need to deal with that.

Will

Helen--

Helen

I know. I'm the one who's always preaching gratitude and moving on, and I was clinging to that so hard, and then it-- it stopped working for me. I felt alone, and I, um... I talked to a priest. I didn't want to bother you.

Will

That was the deal we made a long time ago. You get to bother me. You don't have to do anything alone.

Helen

I'm sorry I lied to you about the priest. That's who I met on my lunch break.

Will

You come to me, not some stranger. Promise me.

Joan

It's just that, I like Adam.

Helen

I know, honey.

Joan

Mom, please. I know you think I'm dating him but I'm not. I mean, we kissed once (and, please, never repeat that to me or anyone else because I'm already grossed out I told you,) but it was just a kiss. You know, just a one-time kiss.

Helen

Okay.

Joan

It doesn't mean we're dating, does it?

Helen

Well -

Joan

Right, I know, of course not. It's just I think Adam thought that it did and he was kinda ... y'know, about it. And I - I - I was sort of ... y'know, too.

Helen

Oh...

Joan

And now he likes someone else - this, Iris (huh) - and I don't know what he sees in her. I mean, she's all... y'know. I want him to be happy; I'm not one of those people who gets all perky when someone else is miserable (maybe I am), but - but I do think Adam should be happy. Just not before I'm happy. I mean, he can be happy with someone else after I'm happy with someone else. (Does that make me a total maggot? Whatever.) The real question is: should I try to get him back? I mean, what if he falls in love with her and I realize that I do like him and it's too late but if I break them up and get him back but realize that I really don't want to be with him then he's going to hate me again, which I could not stand because I really like him. [Sighs] There's just no good answer here.

Helen

Honey, you are dealing with a lot of emotions.

Joan

Mom, I can't have this conversation right now, okay?

Will

What's wrong?

Helen

Nothing! I'm seeing a nun and a priest!