Ferny quotes from Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks

Ferny

Uh, Piggley, do you think the baby dragon might really eat Dannan?

Piggley

No. They only eat princesses.

Ferny

Oh. [Molly peeks over the gate] Piggley, where are we gonna find a princess?

Molly

I'm a princess. Someday, I'll be the queen.

Ferny

[bluntly] You're a goner.

Ferny

I wonder what else was in that sack he was draggin' in there.

Dannan

I'll bet there were some brains in it.

Ferny

Oh, you think so?

Piggley

Don't be daft. You don't put brains in a sack.

Dannan

And why not?

Piggley

They'd leak all over the place. You put brains in jars. Besides, Fergal doesn't have any brains yet. That's why he's making friends with Molly. So he can take hers.

Ferny

Janey Mack.

Dannan

I can't believe he wants Molly's brain! I mean, why couldn't he just take the brain of one of his other mad scientist friends?!

Ferny

Well, I don't think there are any other mad scientists around here to be friends with.

Piggley

Jakers! That's why he's making a monster!

Dannan

What?

Piggley

Fergal O'Hopper is building a monster to be his friend!

Dannan

A friend with the brain of your sister, Piggley!

Ferny

Well, why wouldn't he just make friends with your sister?!

Piggley

A mad scientist doesn't stop to think of those things. That's why they're mad, Ferny! And I won't have it, I tell you! I'm going over there right now to save Molly!

Piggley

Jakers. The place is packed. Everyone in the whole town is here.

Dannan

Of course they are. You told them to come, didn't you?

Piggley

I know, but...

Ferny

But? But? But what?

Piggley

Well, uh... What if we're not as good as Cluck Cockwren? What if we're not any good at all?

Ferny

Oh... But you said we were, Piggley. You told everyone.

Dannan

Oh... You better not have been messing with us, Piggley. It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were bad after all the fuss you made.

Piggley

Well, now... I think we're good. But you know... I'm not sure we're as good as Cluck.

Dannan

Oh, dear...

Ferny

Oh, Janey Mack...

Dannan

Oh, now you've done it!

Piggley

Me?!

Dannan

You shouldn't have pulled so hard!

Piggley

It was Ferny who put his weight into it!

Ferny

Oh, but Dannan threw it off balance!

Dannan

Oh no, I did not!

Ferny

You did so!

Dannan

Did not!

Piggley

Did so!

Ferny

You were the one in front!

Piggley

I was barely touching it!

Dannan

You were stepping on my toes!

Padrig

Now, see here, you ruffians! How dare you break a window, then blame a poor innocent fir darrig for your own mischief! For shame! Shame, I say! [Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan beg] A lifetime of peelin' potatoes is too good for the likes of you!

Piggley

Keep it up, Dad. [he, Ferny, and Dannan go back to begging]

Padrig

It's cleaning the barn for you, top to bottom, spic and span! And none of ya will see the light of day until the barn is as clean as a whistle!

Ferny

Please, sir! Anything but that!

Padrig

It's no use begging for mercy! Me mind's made up!

Ferny

Oh, this is a powerful big job.

Dannan

Well, it's a powerful big apology we've got to be giving to the fir darrig.

Ferny

You know, come to think of it, I never did see that fir darrig.

Dannan

You're right! We never did! Why, how do we know that there ever was one, and if he was ever truly mad at us?

Ferny

Oh, Janey Mack! And we gave ourselves all this extra work!

Piggley

Maybe you're right, lads. But then again... maybe not.

Ferny

I don't want to be a prisoner. Besides, in the story, Queen Maeve was the enemy of Cú Chulainn. You should be taking her prisoner, not me.

Dannan

[laughs] This is our legend, prisoner! And in our story, all the Irish are on the same side.

Piggley

You see, Ferny. It's like when martians invade in movies. You're the invader, and we're protecting Ireland.

Ferny

[sadly] Oh.

Dannan

And now, baddie, you're our prisoner!

Ferny

Not anymore, I'm not! [throws down his bucket helmet and runs away] Now I'm an escaped prisoner!

Piggley

[laughs] That's good, Ferny!

Dannan

We can't let the prisoner escape, Cú Chulainn!

Piggley

Go on, Ferny! You're gonna have to run faster than that so we can chase ya!

Dannan

And capture you again!

Ferny

I don't want to run faster, and I don't want to be captured again, and I don't want to play anymore!

Dannan

So, you're in the spooky storytellers club without me, are you? And I can't be in the club because I'm a girl, am I? And girls are scared of ghosts and things, are they?! YOU BOTH KNOW QUITE WELL THAT I'M NOT AFRAID OF GHOSTS, OR MONSTERS, OR SPOOKY STORIES!!!

Ferny

Uh, Piggley? I think she's mad.

Piggley

Uh, Dannan... We know you're not scared of those things, and you're great at telling spooky stories, but Hector says--

Dannan

HECTOR?! ...Well now, if Hector says it, it must be true. Scary stories told by brave boys like yourself just might be too much for a delicate thing like me.

Ferny

Really?

Piggley

Oh. You're not mad, then?

Dannan

Mad? Ha! Don't be silly. You boys go on ahead to your little storytelling club. Have a scary good time! I insist! Hee-hee! [steps out the barn] It's going to be a lot scarier than you think it'll be!

Okay, and then they heard this noise... Oh, wait. Did I say first it was a ghost ship? Okay, sorry. [laughs] It was a ghost ship. [honks] So, they heard this noise, and oh no, it's not a ghost ship! Okay, everybody, forget I said that! They hear the noise, and that's the ghost ship!

Piggley

Jakers. I'd love to hear Dannan tell this one.

Ferny

Oh, me too.

So, now the ghost ship, honk, comes up next to the other ship. Wait, wait just a second. And there are ghosts on it! Honk. On the ghost ship, that is, on the other ship, I'm not really sure, so we'll just pretend there's just like a giant squid.

Piggley

A sandwich! Raw vegetables! They've turned me into... Vlad the Daft!

Dannan

[gasps] A vampire! Don't worry, Ferny! I'll protect ya!

Ferny

Why do they call you "Daft"?

Piggley

Because I always do the opposite of what I'm told!

Dannan

I think you're headed right towards the Eiffel Tower, Commander Piggley!

Ferny

Hit the brakes!

Piggley

I don't think there are any brakes!

Ferny

Oh. Bummer.

Dannan

What are you two doing flying about in your noisy rocket like that while I'm trying to study?

Piggley

Uh, there's no need for studying, Dannan. I'm having a dream.

Ferny

With cabbages! [chuckles]

Dannan

Why do you have cabbages in your dream, Piggley?

Piggley

Probably because I listened to the Creepy Theater radio show just before I fell asleep.

Dannan

[furious] WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT?! You were listening to Creepy Theater? [Piggley guiltily nods] Didn't your parents tell you that's a grown-up show?

Piggley

I figure I'm grown-up enough, Dannan. [after a beat, frowns]

Dannan

Oh, you think so? Well, I won't be any part of a dream that comes from disobeying your parents!

Piggley

Okay, Dannan! But you're going to miss out on all the fun!

Dannan

Fun? Ha! Mark my words, Piggley. No good'll come of this rule-breaking stuff!

How would you boys like some free sweets?

Piggley

Sweets?

Ferny

Oh, thank you, Miss Nanny! Piggley, you should've been dreaming about this from the start.

Oh, how about something extra special? I have just the thing in me shop. Wait here. [goes into her shop]

Ferny

Oh... I'd rather have sweets than fly in a wagon any old day of the week.

Piggley

You can have sweets anytime, Ferny.

Ferny

Right, but I'd still rather have 'em.

[comes out of her shop] Here you go. Have some nice, chocolate-covered... cabbage!

Piggley

CABBAGE?!

If you don't like chocolate, how about a peppermint cabbage?

Or perhaps butterscotch cabbage? Cotton cabbage? A cabbage toffee? [becoming gradually hysterical] A cabbage cake? Lolly-cabbage-pops! [Piggley and Ferny run away] Tutti-frutti cabbage! CABBAGE-SICLES!!!

Ferny

Piggley, you've got to stop dreaming about cabbages!

Piggley

I can't, Ferny!

Ferny

[frantically shakes Piggley] Then wake up! Come on! WAKE UP!!! [splashes a bucket of water on Piggley]

Piggley

It's no good, Ferny.

Ferny

What if you never wake up?

Piggley

Let's make a promise. Right here and right now. That we'll stay together always and none of us will ever become a cabbage.

Ferny

Raloo Oath.

Piggley

Ferny! Your hand!!

Ferny

Huh? Oh, Janey Mack! Oh. It's alright. [shows his other hand, which is also a green leaf] See? The other one's just like it. [laughs]