Lines by Wiley the Sheep 46
Wiley[spits out the grass he's eating] Blah! What's with this grass? It's got no flavor! No oomph! It needs salt. Maybe a touch of oregano. [Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan rush past him] Hey! We're grazing here! ...On baa-aa-aad grass. [to his flock] Hey, you know what? [the flock looks at Wiley, confused] Of course you don't. But follow me anyway. Those kids are always eating. I'll bet they got great stuff. And they don't even have to pull it out of the ground with their teeth!
Wiley
Hitch up the caboose, fellas, the gravy train just pulled in!
Wiley
[carried by a crane toward the pie in the window] Lower, lower. That's it. Hold it. [sniffs the pie] Oh, that's music to my nose. [the crust deflates] Holy hairball, they sucked the pippins right out of it! And they didn't even make snickerdoodles! Pull me up, flock!
[Wiley is hoisted up, banging his head on the roof, before he is moved away from the roof.]
Wiley
I want pie, and those kids are my meal ticket!
[Wiley drops to the ground.]
Wiley
Will somebody please tell Fluffy to quit getting so close to the GEARS?!
Wiley
[meeting with the goat] Psst. Hey, buddy. Hiya, handsome. Like those apples, huh? Ever had them in a pie? Sure, you get crumbs in your beard, but you could use one of them little crumbs, get it right out. [the goat angrily snorts at Wiley] Right. You're busy. You got goat business, right? Haha, gotcha. There's no business like goat business. Forgive me. I'll just help myself to a few of your apples here, before I take my leave. Is that alright?
Wiley
[eating the apples] Wow, wowers! Mm, this is good, this is good, this is really good! My tongue is throwing a party for my mouth! What aroma, what bouquet! Oh, this is so delicious! Mm!
Wiley
[after hearing Piggley's story of the Salmon] Wow. A fish who knows everything. Think of the brain on that guy. Think of it. A fish with a giant head. And nut-crackin' teeth, big chompers! Hey, if a big-headed fish with teeth can get so smart from one little nut, think of what it can do for us sheep!
[Wiley is bothered by his flock's loud snoring keeping him awake.]
Wiley
Listen to that! It's like living in a buzz-saw factory! What I need is a glass of warm milk. Now that should put me out like a fuzzy light.
[Wiley places a cup under the cow's udders, and waits for it to produce milk, but nothing happens.]
Wiley
Okay. Go. [getting impatient] Any time now. I'm waiting. [notices the cow's tail] Aha! She's got a handle! Like a pump! She's a pump cow!
[Wiley starts pulling the cow's tail up and down like a pump, but this causes the cow to angrily kick Wiley across the barn and into a large haystack.]
Wiley
[from within] Got milk? No.
Wiley
Ever smell a barn? They're not minty fresh.
[Ferny has reeled in Wiley's blanket, and Wiley is attempting to pull it back.]
Wiley
Mother Nature is stealing my blanket! And she's very strong.
[Wiley wakes up with a start after being knocked unconscious against the wall from his tug-of-war with the kids over his blanket.]
Wiley
[frightened] BAAAAAA! What--? Where--? Who--? Wow. What a dream I had. So vivid, so real, so... painful! Sleep is tough. Not sleeping is even tougher. What am I gonna do? Maybe I should sleep on it.
[After Piggley takes a picture of Wiley.]
Wiley
Wowee-wow-wow-wow! I've been photographed, captured on film, recorded for posterity! Just picture it: my face, appearing everywhere - newspapers, magazines, the post office! Hold it. Strike that post office. I don't wanna be that wanted. I could be big! I could be famous! I could be big and famous! I could go to the big city, meet up with destiny, get a decent cheeseburger. I gotta get that kid to take another picture of me. Maybe a nice 8 by 10 glossy, a couple of candids, some good commercial shots, maybe a full-figured cheesecake matte finish.
Wiley
There he is. My shot at the big time. I could be on Broadway, in the movies, on the radio. No. No, not the radio. They can't see me on the radio, not even if they sit real close.
[Wiley and the flock are in the barn, itching all over.]
Wiley
Hopping hairballs! What is this?! We're infested! Inhabited! Lemme put it this way, flock. We got bugs! I know what you're thinkin'. Where do they come from? Why are they here? Should we charge rent?
[The flock tries to pick the bugs off of each other.]
Wiley
No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! Not like that! That's how monkeys do it! We got no thumbs.
[Wiley and the flock are still itching.]
Wiley
What can we learn from our friends, the warthogs?
[One of the sheep, Carl, excitedly raises his hand and bleats.]
Wiley
Let's pretend Carl is a warthog. [Carl is offended] A big, fuzzy, wooly warthog. Eh... A good-looking warthog. Hey, handsome! But he's crawling with bugs! However, being a smart - oddly alluring - warthog, Carl knows exactly what to do. Stop, drop, and roll!
[Wiley sends Carl rolling across the field.]
Wiley
And like the clever warthog, Carl knows to clean his wool by covering himself in earthen filth.
[Carl rolls over Wiley.]
Wiley
[annoyed] Unfortunately, being Carl... [Carl runs him over again] He doesn't know when to stop! [Carl runs him over once more] That is one clean sheep.
Wiley
Good morning, flock. Yesterday's run was a stunning success. You should've been there. And of course, you weren't. And I know why. Motivation. You need a reason to run. And what could that reason be? Simple. A prize.
[Wiley's flock bleats excitedly.]
Wiley
That's right. First sheep to finish the annual Wiley Cross-Country Sheep Race wins... a prize.
[Wiley's flock bleats with excitement again, then starts racing, running over Wiley in the process.]
Wiley
Now that's... motivation. Motivation... and pain.
Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks · 152 quotes
