Admiral A.J. Chegwidden quotes from JAG

Hey, I gave up cigars last night. (Mac and AJ stay silent.) Any words of encouragement?

Don’t get fat.

Bud

Excuse me, gentlemen, ma’am.

What is it lieutenant?

Bud

Is this a bad time, sir?

What?

Bud

We were hoping that you could settle a disagreement that we’re having. As you know, we’re having a full military wedding.

Harriet

And he wants me to wear my uniform instead of my dress.

Good God, Roberts. Let the woman wear a dress to her own wedding.

Bud

Yes, sir. And while we’re at it, might we get your position on the bunny hop, sir?

No.

How does the other guy look, Lieutenant?

Bud

(Getting to his feet.) Major!

(Getting up as well.) She doesn’t look as bad as he does.

She?

Bud

It’s a long story, ma’am.

Well, it better be a good one. And what’s your excuse?

Well, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

Bud, you’re getting married in a few hours.

Bud

I really appreciate you coming down here, Major. I owe you one.

One? You 2 owe me 1,000,000. Do you have any idea what the admiral’s gonna say when he hears about this?

(Walking to the front of the cell.) Oh, I think he’ll understand.

Admiral.

You okay?

Yes, sir. Webb? What are you doing here?

Getting decked. (Turns and punches Webb.)

Watertown is Los Angeles class. Are you familiar with them?

No, sir.

Be prepared to do a lot of slouching.

Understood, sir.

Good. Major, one caveat. You’ll be in tight quarters with 141 men. Prepare yourself.

Sir, might I suggest you give that warning to the crew of the Watertown?

Admiral, about the complaint...

I’ll just file it here with all the others.

Welcome to Arlington National Cemetery. We are open 365 days of the year. A menu of options follows. Press 1 to schedule an interment or inurnment. Press 2 for gravesite locations. Press 3... (AJ presses a button.) Press 1 to schedule an inurnment. Press 2 to schedule a ground burial. (AJ presses a button.) Interment processing. Please provide the following information. Speak slowly and clearly. What are the last four digits of your social security number?

9852.

What is your height?

Six foot three inches.

How deep would you like your plot?

What?

When will you be expecting to need it?

Good God. (Hangs up the phone.)

So, how is it?

Bud

(With a grimace.) Wow. Great, sir. Really powerful.

Commander. (He hands Harm a mug.)

(Quietly.) Uh, robust.

We need a real coffee drinker.

Mic

I wrote People magazine, I called People magazine. They won’t issue a retraction.

They wouldn’t need to issue a retraction if you hadn’t talked to them in the first place.

Mic

I didn’t talk to them. I said I wouldn’t violate your privacy.

You said you wouldn’t violate your fiancée’s privacy.

Mic

Sarah, you’re wearing my ring. We’re practically living together.

Admiral. Commander. Lieutenant. (To Mic.) Goodbye. (Goes into her office and slams the door.)

She’s probably had enough coffee.

Mic

Yes, sir.

In the meantime, just try to stay out of trouble.

I'll do my best, sir.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Tiner.

Tiner

Sir.

What do you know about teenage girls?

Tiner

They look good in shorts, sir.

Dismissed.

Since when did my office become a production of Hello Dolly.

(To Sturgis.) It’s about a matchmaker.

Sturgis

You think I live under a rock?

I didn't know you were on board.

Clayton Webb

I'm not.

Lieutenant, what happened to your face?

I believe the proper response is I walked into a door.

Would you like to make a more formal response?

Yes, sir, I most definitely will respond, but not in any way that would require the admiral’s attention.

Carry on.

I have three questions for you. Answer them yes or no.

Okay.

Were you trying to propose to me at the restaurant?

Yes.

And at your house?

Yes.

Do you have a ring?

Yes.

May I see it?

Yes. (Searching his pockets.) Yes.

Say it any way you want.

Would you be interested in spending the rest of your life with a grumpy, sourpuss of an old man?

Especially when you put it that way.