LCDR Bud Roberts quotes from JAG

Bud, did you get the lab report on the Jelke court martial?

Bud

Yes, ma’am. It’s on your desk.

Oh, bad idea, Bud.

Bud

Why, ma’am?

Don’t put things on my desk. I’ll never find them.

Bud

Where should I put them?

Not on my desk!

(speaking to Bud while he is eating a doughnut) Doughnut?

Bud

Power-nut.

Excuse me?

Bud

Not you, sir. The doughnut.

Bud

The earliest recorded disappearance of a United States vessel inside the Bermuda Triangle goes way back to March, 1918. The USS Cyclops vanished without a trace.

Same thing's been known to happen to superstitious lieutenants.

Bud

Even when they tell you something, they reserve the right to change their mind at any time. It's that woman's prerogative thing. I mean, what's up with that?

I hate that. God, I hate that.

Bud

Yeah, it's like, I asked Major MacKenzie if she was gonna be leaving JAG, you know, because I've seen the way she looks at Dalton Lowne. And she said no. But she could change her mind at the drop of a hat.

She's not going anywhere, Bud.

Bud

You know, I'm sure Lieutenant Pike and Lieutenant Austin told you the exact same thing before they transferred. I mean, let's face it, commander, you've had lousy luck with women. [Realises he's put his foot in his mouth.] Partners. The female JAG officers you've been with... in... the workplace... sir.

Bud

What do you want me to do, sir?

Go home. Forget you saw me.

Bud

No, seriously, what can I do to help?

I'm being serious, Bud. If Admiral Chegwidden found out you were here, you'd be shoveling snow in Yakutsk for three years. Go on.

Bud

(forcefully) Wait, wait. Don't do this.

What?

Bud

Well, a guy believes in you, trusts you and offers you help, and you just diss him? You can't do that.

Take it easy, Bud.

Bud

(angrily) I'm your friend. Right now you can use all the friends that you can get. So don't tell me to "Take it easy, Bud,"... sir.

Bud, it's because you're my friend that I don't want you to be involved in this.

Bud

Sir, I've already aided and abetted. I don't know how much more involved I can get.

(after the Admiral ignores her again) You know, this sucks!

Bud

Ma'am?

I feel like I'm fifteen years old again, getting grounded for stealing cars and drinking! If that's the sort of thing one might get grounded for as a teenager.

Bud

Hey, the movie’s just about to start.

Harriet

Okay.

Harriet

That’s not Free Willy.

Bud

Yeah. It’s 10 o’clock. (Reaches for the movie guide. Hands it to Harriet without looking.) Free Willy.

Harriet

(Reading the guide.) No, Bud, that’s Free the Willy.

Bud

Huh?

Bud

Excuse me, gentlemen, ma’am.

What is it lieutenant?

Bud

Is this a bad time, sir?

What?

Bud

We were hoping that you could settle a disagreement that we’re having. As you know, we’re having a full military wedding.

Harriet

And he wants me to wear my uniform instead of my dress.

Good God, Roberts. Let the woman wear a dress to her own wedding.

Bud

Yes, sir. And while we’re at it, might we get your position on the bunny hop, sir?

No.

How does the other guy look, Lieutenant?

Bud

(Getting to his feet.) Major!

(Getting up as well.) She doesn’t look as bad as he does.

She?

Bud

It’s a long story, ma’am.

Well, it better be a good one. And what’s your excuse?

Well, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

Bud, you’re getting married in a few hours.

Bud

I really appreciate you coming down here, Major. I owe you one.

One? You 2 owe me 1,000,000. Do you have any idea what the admiral’s gonna say when he hears about this?

(Walking to the front of the cell.) Oh, I think he’ll understand.

United States Navy v. Gentilli. Apparently, you and I prosecuted. Do you remember this?

I don't remember what I had for breakfast, Mac.

Bud

Pumpernickel bagel, sir.

Thanks for noticing, Bud.

Bud

You know, I’ve never been on a sub. What’s it like?

Well, you can experience it firsthand, Bud.

Bud

I can?

Yeah. When you go home tonight, throw out all your fresh fruit and vegetables, put lube oil in your humidifier, go to sleep on a shelf in your closet, and go to work before sunrise.

Mic

That’s my spot up ahead, between those two cars, mate. Better let me park it.

Bud

I think that would probably be a good idea, sir.

I’ll give it a try. (He proceeds to park the car perfectly. He gets out.) My stepfather had a cottage in the Bahamas, that’s where I learned to drive. (He throws to keys to Mic and walks away.)

Bud

Sir, don’t they drive on the left hand side of the road in the Bahamas?

Mic

Bloody hell.

Why didn’t somebody from his ship identify the body?

Mic

Harbour sharks had a feed on him.

Bud

There are sharks in the harbour?

Mic

It’s Australia, mate. There’s sharks in the bathtub.

So, how is it?

Bud

(With a grimace.) Wow. Great, sir. Really powerful.

Commander. (He hands Harm a mug.)

(Quietly.) Uh, robust.

We need a real coffee drinker.

Mic

If I should falter during the ceremony...

Bud

Just do what you did at your bachelor party.

Mic

What was that?

Bud

You ripped off your shirt and you started singing the Australian national anthem to the waitress.

Mic

Was it effective?

Bud

Yeah. We got a free plate of appetizers.