Valmont quotes from Jackie Chan Adventures

Hak Foo

[in bandages] I am telling you, it was the Shadowkhan who did this to me!

[the rest of the Dark Hand are also in bandages] Chan kicked our butts too!

Yeah, you don't hear us lying about it.

Need I remind you, the Shadowkhan do only what I command? Come, minions!

...minions?

Valmont

It would seem you have lost your touch, Shendu.

I HAVE NOT LOST MY TOUCH!

Valmont

Shendu...I despise you.

I heard that!

Valmont

Festive.

I'm telling you Pamplona's famous for something.

Hak Foo

It must be the paella.

Ohh! The thing they hit with the stick until candy comes out?

Valmont

That would be a piñata, Ratso. This is Spain, not Mexico.

Valmont

Is it over? Am I free of Shendu?!

Uhh, the mermaid said no deal, Big-V.

Valmont

[as Shendu grows new features on Valmont's body, such as green skin, scales, and a horn] Wearing the skirt is demeaning enough, Shendu, but this is over the line!

Do you think I am pleased with our union, Valmont?! If I am to remain in your pathetic body, I must at least make a few cosmetic improvements! Now hold still while I sprout our tail!

Valmont

Good madame, free me of Shendu, I beg you. Look what he did to my head! [Bai Tza grabs him]

Bai Tza

My answer to you, and my sniveling brother remains...no! [drops him]

Ohh, nasty piranha!

Bai Tza

You!

Him? [indicating to Ratso, before he's grabbed] Heh, hey. You're a fish, I'm Finn! We're sympetico!

Bai Tza

DIrect me to a suitable new empire!

Uh, mi casa es su casa, your amphibiousness!

Bai Tza

A FISH cannery?!

I see your point. Well, there's lots of nice places here in San Fran. And it's all by the water.

Yeah! Great town!

Oh, except for the quakes.

Bai Tza

Earthquakes?

Uh, that's right. The San Andreas Fault runs right through downtown. Better idea, you should move to the East Coast!

Bai Tza

Very well, your San Fran shall be the cradle of my new undersea empire!

Uh, but isn't your new undersea empire supposed to be...you know...

Undersea?

Bai Tza

And so it shall be, once I sink this city!

Uh, can we be excused, Shendu?

Yeah, seeing as how we opened all the portals for you...

You don't need us to carry old Pan'ku anymore.

Never seeing any of you ever again would make me a very happy dragon.

Say "Bye bye" to Valmont! [enforcers begin to leave]

I hear Utah's nice this time of year!

Anywhere but here!

Valmont

Weren't you listening Shendu?! If we stay here, we will drown!

Not if we have gills!

Valmont

Good evening.

Jackie

What do you want?!

Valmont

Shh! You will wake Shendu!

Jackie

He's napping?

Valmont

I rendered him unconscious, now please! You must help me! I want him exorcised!

Jade

Tch. Like we're gonna help Shendu get in shape?

Tea, sensei?

Thank you.

Valmont

Oh jolly good, Tohru, I would love a spot. [Tohru growls at Valmont] Uh...right then... [sits back down]

Valmont

Just like old times, eh Tohru? [Tohru growls at Valmont] I recommend you watch your back, Chan! Tohru turned coat on me, remember?

You forced me to fight a demon!

Valmont

[sarcastically] Oh yes. That's completely different from what Chan has you doing!

Jade

Jackie!

Valmont

I'm not sure who to root for! [Jade punches Valmont angrily] ...Go Jackie.

Jade

Go Valmont.

Valmont

And ruin my Italian shoes?

Jade

And keep Shendu for a roomate?

Valmont

And we are on our way to China, why?

Chan has stolen the Pan'Ku Box. Clearly he wants to find my portal so he can seal it.

Valmont

Now why would Chan go through all the trouble if he knows you don't need the portal to pass between the realms?

For good measure I suppose. Meanwhile, my brothers and sisters are expecting me to open my door and free them!

Hak Foo

I brought your spellbook. [holds out the phonebook to Shendu]

...YOU BROUGHT THE PHONEBOOK YOU SIMPLETON! I was bluffing! [throws the book aside]

Valmont

So there is no way to free all of them.

Of course there is! ...I...just...need to find it. That's all.

I grow impatient, Valmont! I trust your men were able to pull off a simple robbery?

Mayor Valmont

Rest assured, Shendu. My boys will be rendezvousing with us momentarily. [Finn and Ratso walk into the cave] You see?

Uh, ran into a little trouble.

That sheriff you hired.

Mayor Valmont

You didn't get the gold?!

Fools!

Hey, hold on Shen-dude! Ain't exactly like we came back empty-handed! [Ratso clicks, and a horse enters the cave] Got the horse off the stagecoach just like you asked.

I didn't want the horse, I wanted the Horse TALISMAN!

Oh... uh, what's a talisman?

Jackie

[opening the box, revealing a black cat statue] The Cat of Khartoum.

Jade

That's it? Looks like something you'd buy at a swap-meet for a buck.

Valmont

[appearing from around a corner] Worth quite a bit more, young lady.

Jackie

Valmont!

Valmont

Thanks ever so for finding the Cat for me, Chan. Now hand it over!

Jackie

No! It belongs to the museum!

Jade

Hey, maybe you haven't heard, but possession is nine tenths of the law!

[taking out some nunchucks] Yeah? And this here's the other two tenths!

Jackie

You need to work on your math!

Yeah? My math's good enough to know that three against one ain't very good odds.

Valmont

Spare me the gladiator scene. Just get the merchandise!