Valmont quotes from Jackie Chan Adventures

Valmont

[after perfectly landing from a large fall] Fantastic! I've never felt so alive! [proceeds to leap up the cliff past Jackie] Something about the Statue, Chan. It's good luck! [leaves]

Jackie

Good luck, or bad magic?

Dude, check it out. [Valmont chugs a large jar of creamer] Uh, want a little coffee with your cream there, Big-V? [Valmont ignores him and just licks his fingers]

I'll give him one thing; he's very tidy.

I say we collect the dough for this thing pronto, get Valmont to a doctor. Maybe there's some kind of cure.

Don't you mean... a veterinarian?

I heard that. In fact, my hearing has become quite accute. There is no cure, because this is not a disease. It's a transformation. And I rather like the new me.

My patience wears thin, Valmont. Every moment spent imprisoned in this stone casement is an eternity lost!

Valmont

I assure you Shendu, my men are spending every waking moment searching for your Talismans.

Aw, come on, I wanna see the baseball scores!

Nuh-uh! Not until I finish checking out Stewie Cablooie. He's the bomb!

You two! Come closer!

Uh oh...

Show me the parchment.

[shows Shendu the Sports section] You a Giants fan, Shendu?

Argh! Turn it over!

The hair plugs ad?

[seeing an article about an ancient statue] The statue of Lo Pei...

You wanna see Lo Pei, oughta check out my salary. Get it? Low pay?

So she speeds off, and then zappo, she's gone!

It was freaky, Big V! Left behind some kind of energy hole!

Valmont

Energy hole? Zappo?

A crude description, Valmont, but I indeed sense a wrinkle in time. The child has used the speed talisman to forge a tunnel to the past.

Valmont

And if Shendu's rabbit dug a hole, all you idiots have to do to secure the Talisman is go through that hole.

But tunnels through time flow only in one direction. If you wish them to return, they will require this. [a Shadowkahn warrior presents a crystal orb to Tohru]

So uh...just how far back does this tunnel thingy go?

We talking dinosaurs?

Valmont

I don't care if it leads to the Big Bang, you buffoons! Just bring me that talisman!

Young Valmont

You may have won today, Chan, but we will meet again, and-

Jackie, it looks like you will have a very interesting future, with a very odd niece. One more thing. Did she say anything else about my future in antiques?

Valmont

And now that I'm finally rid of that petulant lizard, Shendu, the Dark Hand will rise ag-

Uh, Valmont? Your pancakes are getting cold. [Valmont gives Ratso his pancake stack]

Valmont

Speaking of temperature, you'll need to acquire some serious heat if we're to embark on our epic crime spree!

Now you're talking, Big-V!

So, what's the plan?

Valmont

You three will break into Section 13 and steal the Talismans.

Whoa, again?

Uh, busting into Section 13's kinda risky.

Besides V, we don't do flunky work.

Not unless we're getting paid.

Valmont

Uh true, this Demon nonsense has depleted Dark Hand finances, but you know I'm good for it!

Okay, but you gotta make us partners.

Valmont

Call yourselves Vice Presidents if you wish, just bring me those Talismans! [the restaurant bill is placed on the table, which Valmont hands to the Enforcers]

Hey!

Valmont

What? I didn't eat.

Valmont

Well?

Uhhh...

That thing about making us partners? Don't worry about it.

Valmont

If I were employing you, I would fire you!

Daolon Wong

[steps from behind a corner] You three! I require your assistance.

...So what's the gig pay?

Daolon Wong

Gan, Ren, Chui!

You're orange!

You're bald!

Freaky...

Daolon Wong

Bow before me, Dark Chi warriors.

Finn don't bow to no- [Daolon forces them to bow using Chi magic]

Daolon Wong

You are no longer mortal men, but powerful servants enslaved to do my bidding.

Valmont

Now see here! Finn, Ratso, and Chow are my servants, and I will thank you not to- [Daolon Wong traps Valmont in the ground up to his neck] AH! Hey!

Daolon Wong

[detects a Talisman power] Ah, it would seem good fortune is mine, for one of the Talisman powers remains near. Come my warriors. [transports himself away]

Where'd he go? [the Dark Enforcers are transported away, leaving Valmont behind]

Valmont

Wait! You can't just leave me here! Release me at once!

Valmont

Me, Valmont, mastermind of the Dark Hand, fleeing authorities like a common- [bumps into Daolon Wong, causing him to drop his belongings]

You!

Daolon Wong

The supplies for my locator spell! You shall suffer for what you have done!

Valmont

What I have done? You transformed my enforcers into samurai zombies! I've been reduced to performing my own dirty work! [grabs Daolon Wong] Return Finn, Ratso, and Chow to me at once!

Daolon Wong

Ha! Why would Daolon Wong heed the demands of an insignificant pickpocket?

Valmont

B- Because I'm bigger than you!

Daolon Wong

Oh? [blasts Valmont with Dark Chi magic, transforming him into a child] Not anymore.

Jackie

While Uncle and I search for the horse, you two will wait here and stay out of trouble.

Jade

Aw...

Young Valmont

Now see here, just because I look like a child doesn't mean you can treat me like one!

Jackie

I am treating you like a criminal. Tohru will treat you like a child.

Now... [pops knuckles] Are you going to be a good little boy?

Where to, little man?

Young Valmont

Kempton Race Course, and if you call me that again, I will have you eliminated.

Daolon Wong

Gan, Ren, Chui!

Daolon Wong

The horse!

Okay stretchy, get off your high horse.

Young Valmont

Unhand me, you buffoons!

Whoa!

It's Big-V!

And he's mini!

Young Valmont

Indeed. I attempted to liberate you three, and that rancid prune of a wizard burdened me with this juvenile curse!

Whoa, you tried to rescue us?

Aw.

We didn't know you cared!

You're going down, Queen Kong!

The bigger they are, the harder they- [Giant Jade immediately defeats them by stepping on them]

Young Valmont

They didn't see that coming?! Honestly, why did I ever want them back?!

Valmont

Rise and shine, Tohru.

[waking up] Where am I? Who am I?

Valmont

You are Tohru, my most loyal henchman.

Valmont

I am Valmont. Don't you remember me?

I remember nothing.

Valmont

[to himself] Jolly good potion. [to Tohru] It would seem you are the victim of amnesia. Allow me to fill in some blanks. I am the leader of the Dark Hand, a premiere crime syndicate, and you work for me.

[looking around at Valmont's rundown apartment] "Premiere crime syndicate"?

Valmont

Um, a temporary setback, I assure you. But it was only yesterday that you and I were at the top of our game! [shows him a photo album of him during his Dark Hand days] See? You made the FBI's Most Wanted, three years running.

Oh, so it is true... But how?

Valmont

Our nemesis must have throttled you famously for your entire memory to just up and vanish.

Nemesis?

Valmont

[flips a page] Jackie Chan.

Chan will pay!

Valmont

Many thanks for your help, Chan. A shame Tohru must render you senseless so we may get on with our crime unhindered. Tohru, if you please?

No.

Valmont

What do you mean, no?!

You were not so loyal to your loyal henchman.

Valmont

Well, I- I was simply hoping to duck away and find a large mallet with which to assist.

Something inside tells me that Jackie is my friend.

Valmont

And something inside tells me that you are forgetting who is boss!