Mama Tohru quotes from Jackie Chan Adventures

Jade

What's so yuck about a visit from your mom?

[sigh] I am the black sheep. All I have ever wanted was for my mother to be proud of me.

Jade

Well, she will be! Look at you! You're handsome, and big, you've got a...you're big!

[upon seeing the antique store] This where you live?! Ugh...you gave up good job with nice Mr. Valmont for this?!

Jade

Nice? Hello, doesn't she know that Valmont's a crook?

No...and please do not tell her.

Aah, my son. A servant in a junk shop!

Junk shop?!

Jade

This is an antique store.

Hah! Only antique I see is the billy goat there! [referring to Uncle]

Billy goat?!

Mommy!

Hushup!

Dragon lady should watch her forked tongue unless she wants a piece of Uncle!

Hah! I would sweep floor with you! And this floor needs it.

Jackie

[answers his phone] Hello?

Captain Black

Hope I didn't catch you in the middle of anything, Jackie.

Jackie

Uh, Uncle and Tohru's mom are getting acquainted.

Captain Black

Ah, family time.

[holding a vase] Cheap junk!

[takes vase away] Xing Dynasty!

Captain Black

Could be trouble brewing on the horizon.

Jackie

Believe me, I know.

Captain Black

The Octopus will be on exhibit at the Japanese Expo. I'd feel better if you were there to assist with security.

Jackie

Uh, you want me to guard a fish?

Captain Black

Actually, octopuses aren't fish, they're multipods.

Jackie

Octopi...[as Uncle and Mama Tohru continue to bicker] Please, behave!

Captain Black

Sorry, Grammar was never my best subject in school...

Jackie

Oh, you mean the Kyoto Octopus! It is the most famous relic of the Komodo Dynasty.

Captain Black

Intelligence sources that the Yokanawa Crime Family has the octopus in its sights.

Huh! Why don't you get some light in here?

Thought bats could see in the dark.

Jackie

[to Uncle and Mama Tohru] This must stop!

Captain Black

My thinking exactly. I'll set it up. Thanks for your help, Jackie.

You made a wise choice, Tohru.

What do I do?

Nothing fancy. You cruise into the expo, create a diversion, meanwhile my boys make an endrun, and nab the octopus. One tiny problem. Word is, you double-crossed your old boss, Valmont. That you're a rat.

I am no rat!

Prove it!

I have information.

Yeah?

Um, Jackie Chan will be working security at the expo.

I heard of him. They say he's unbeatable.

[crushes a desk] Nobody is unbeatable.

I trust you'll take care of this Jackie Chan personally, Tohru. ...And I mean, permanently.

Jackie

Uncle!

Mommy!

Hey! I said "front door" and to come alone!

I told her! [to Mama Tohru] See?! I told you!

Nyah! Would have lost your way! Near-sighted mule can barely see hook nose in front of his face!

Eyesight good enough to see the hair growing out of that mole!

That is a beauty mark!

Quit the squabbling, and put the fish on the table!

Uhh, boss, technically an octopus is a member of the multipod family, and- [is given a look by his boss] Put the fish on the table!

Greetings, campers! I'm a Buttercup Scout, and my Troop is trying to raise money by selling these delicious boxes of-

Cookies!

What kind would you like, Mister? We have Vanilla Cream, Chocolate Mint, Oatmeal Raisin...

Uh, may I have them all?

You sure may! Will that be check, or- [Tohru hands her a handful of cash] Cool!

I will stay here.

Jade

Tohru? Hello?! Swimming pools? Whale watching? All the shrimp you can eat? [Tohru glares at her] Okay, strike that. All the pizza you can eat?

I... cannot travel on a ship.

Jade

Tch. Knew I shouldn't have taken you to see Titanic. That was just a movie, Tohru.

Jackie

Where are you going, Uncle?

To lifeboat! Row back to shore!

Good! I have better things to do than hang around with junk seller! I visit with my boy, relax, play a little Mahjong...

[interested] You play Mahjong?

No, I win at Mahjong. Five-time All Kyoto Finalist!

Hong Kong Community Center Champion 1955. Beat you with one hand tied behind back!

Ha! Big talker! How about you put your tiles where your mouth is?

We're near capacity, Captain!

Boats can and will accommodate every passenger and crewmember!

But we've never really had anyone... his size. [everyone looks at Tohru]

That boat, bobbing up and down? I will stay here.

If my baby not going, I'm not going. Bah. Take the Billy Goat!

Hah! Nice try! Could not leave ship until I whoop you at Shuffleboard! Take Jade!

Oh! Tohru! Uncle has the willies!

Willies?

Dark Chi must be near!

Jade

The Chosen One is a cleanser of souls, not a washer of dishes.

[sigh] But I do not want to be the Chosen One.

Jade

Tch. Why not? You have your own personal champion, and servants who wade on you, hand and foot.

I am not accustomed to such treatment, Jade. I enjoy serving people, especially those I like.

Jade

Well, maybe washing dishes isn't the only way to help. Did you see how happy you made those villagers? The Chosen One serves too, in a different kind of way.

Perhaps you are right.

Jade

[grabs plate] Good, 'cause you missed a spot. You are so fired!

Jade

Jackie! [leaps on him]

Jackie

Hello.

Jade

[gasp; takes Greenbeard's Gloves] Are these from Greenbeard's ship? Can I keep 'em, please? I've been reading all about Greenbeard!

Jackie

You've been reading? For pleasure?

Jade

Tch. Not like there's anything else to do around here! [picks up nearby book] "The meanest pirate of them all! Greenbeard swore he would keep stealing forever, even after he died. Argh!" How cool was he?

Jackie

There is nothing "cool" about stealing, Jade.

Jade

Aw...

Crime does not pay. If Captain Black had not pulled strings after I left the Dark Hand, I would be in prison right now.

Instead, he lives under the supervision of his parole officer! [reveals Mahjong hand] So Tohru is free to lose as many games of Mahjong as he likes!

[inspecting a vase] Is this late Yuan Dynasty or early Ming?

Uh... It is from China. [Customer leaves the shop]

[scoffs] You are a terrible salesman! You must know the merchandise.

Jade

Uncle's right, Tohru. For example, this lovely lamp is from the junk dyansty.

Jackie

You are not helping, Jade.

Uh... Note the hand painted details and um... [clears throat] Duck shape?

Jackie

How nice. I will take two.

Aiya! Tohru, you must mention its age. And Jackie, I did not believe your performance for a second.

Jade

Oh Uncle! Somebody made a sale.

Jackie

Jade!

Jade

But wait! I also made an acquisition. [holds the Emerald of Killarney]

AIYA!

Infamous Emerald of Killarney. Feared throughout the world.

Jade

Feared?

That stone carries an Irish curse bringing endless bad luck to whomever possesses it. Jade, you are cursed!

Jade

Really? I don't feel cur- [wind suddenly blows money from her hand into a candle flame] I'M CURSED!

This antidote will release from detention he who is trapped in another dimension.

Jade

Uhhh, Jackie?

[British Accent] It's just me, but thank you ever so much for freeing me from that beastly limbo.

... Not Jackie.

[sniffs the air] Aah, lunch!

Uhh, cookie?

[eyeing Jade] What's a cookie? [roars, frightening Jade and Uncle]

Go away! [the amphibious monster is sent back through the portal] I must find another spell.

Jade

You think?!