Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Barney

Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart's Bachelor Party was a 15.

Ted

[Appalled] She was 15?

Barney

A 15. Like in blackjack.

Ted

As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?

Barney

Exactly!

Ted

Nice.

Ted

Dude, you shaved your fricking head!

Marshall

Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, 'cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [Looks in mirror] Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?

Ted

What!?

Marshall

You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!

Lily

So instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. My mother owes someone money, and his daughter plays the harp.

Barney

Is she hot? Because then I can cross "harp player" off my list.

Ted

How long is this list?

Barney

I'm not telling you how many pages my list has. I'm not crass.

Lily

It doesn't matter anyway, because she's pregnant.

Barney

Good. That way I can cross two things off my list.

Ted

Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?

Robin

Where do you see yourself?

Ted

Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.

Robin

And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.

Ted

Argentina?

Robin

Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.

Ted

[pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?

Ted

Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.

Robin

Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.

Ted

You weren't trying to win the breakup?

Robin

I was trying to survive it.

Barney

Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.

Robin

My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.

What are we talking of? Baseball?

Barney

It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.

Ted

I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Ted

What? We agreed! I suited up!

Barney

You take too long to get ready.

Ted

What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

Marshall

Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.

Barney

And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

Robin

What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...

But she's afraid of commitment.

But she's a gun nut.

But she's... Canadian.

But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.

I can't think of anything.

Marshall

I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.

Barney

Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?

Marshall

There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?

Ted

Don't do it, man, think about Lily.

Marshall

You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.

Barney

Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!

Barney

Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.

Ted

Terrific.

Barney

[loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.

[taps keys] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.

Ted

That really looks like our apartment.

It is. Oh, I should return these. [gives flat keys back to Ted]

Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.

OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]

Ted

So I just got off the phone with Kathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. ...See it now? ...Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she possibly have done in that time that was so horrible? Was it -

Ted

I'll be back in one second.

One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. He's still in jail.

Ted

Or maybe...

Ted

I'll be back in a second.

So I volunteered at the pound.

Lily

Oh isn't that nice!

You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. I make bracelets out of the collars. [shows her bracelet]

Ted

Or...

Ted

I'll be back in one second.

I bet he's going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.

Ted

How many days are there in October?

Barney

Ah, thirty?

Ted

Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.

Barney

[as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]

Ted

[in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.

Barney

Damn it!

Ted

I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?

Barney

Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.

Ted

What do you do?

Barney

I invest.