He's gonna need a lung transplant...
He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?
Dr. Cameron You're pleased...You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake.
Do I look pleased?
Ignorance is bliss.
S2 E15Clueless
S2 E16Safe
Cuddy called.
I know. Saw the caller ID.
Young girl, anaphylactic shock.
You answered?
Turns out that's what stops the ringing.
These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?
Hasn't let me down yet.
Test was negative, no semen allergy.
Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis. I don't buy that it's unrelated.
He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
[looking puzzled] What does that mean?
Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. [smiles] You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
Oh, snap!
Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.
[House is searching frantically through Melinda's hair for a tick]
Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.
They are until you FIND THEM! [holds up comb triumphantly] No, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time'll be even better!
[...]
[Cuddy, Wilson, and Melinda's parents burst through the elevator doors, only to see House searching for a tick with his head between her legs.]
LLewis
You sick, miserable...! [He rushes into the elevator]
What are you doing?
BBarbara
Oh my god!
Wait!
[The father has House pinned to the back of the elevator. House hold up his hand to reveal the elusive tick]
See? Told you it'd be more dramatic.
S2 E17All In
[House, Cuddy and Wilson are playing poker at a hospital charity event]
Call.
You'll call anything.
My stack is bigger than your stack.
So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
God, that would be annoying.
[to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to] Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night.
He's joking.
No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
GGirl
I'll, uh, see you later.
[Girl exits]
Got a case.
Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.
Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.
The parents are mad because their kid is dying, it's understandable, but if he doesn't die they won't be mad anymore.
Well if he's brain damaged they might still be a little ticked.
You know relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal?
S2 E18Sleeping Dogs Lie
Depriving her of even the few minutes of sleep she does have that's torture.
So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor's coat on.
[Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter]
[about the patient] We've got rectal bleeding.
What, all of you?
Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.
Talk to the dog?
We're not as up on foreign languages as you are.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.