You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?
S4 E1Alone
Imagine that the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite floor buffer, which then starts overheating.
JJanitor
Why would I have a favorite floor buffer? [House looks at him] Okay... maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.
Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic disregulation. Nah, if you're brought in covered with rubble it's all about the MRI's, we would've seen that. C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.
JJanitor
Or stuff [points to his bottle of cleaning fluid] leaked in the holes, messin' it up.
Lacerations lead to multiple portals for infection. Bacterial would've responded to the antibiotics, [indicates "fever" written on the white board] it's too high for viral. Parasites or fungus is possible.
JJanitor
Or maybe lupus. [House stops writing and stares at the guy] My grandma has lupus.
Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. [picks up his cane from the board] A complete history would be helpful, which leads to the worst part of the job: dealing with the floor buffer's family.
[to Dr. Wilson] Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe?
Yeah, in the end they release the hostages. How's that working for you?
The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.
Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.
[switches on Wilson's TiVo] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need ten of them?
It's a... it's a Telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.
Well, say adios.
Are you erasing my Tivo? House! Not the season finale!
I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.
Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.
Bring it on!
You stole my patient.
You kidnapped my guitar.
Give him back.
Only when you give her back.
It's a she?
Well, it's certainly not a dude.
It's a guitar! You took a human being!
HDr.House
Now who doesn't have a sense of humor?
[Speaks while strumming his guitar] Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations, but sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal, and you'll often be right. Look to your left, and now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone, as well as twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup. [Plays a chord]
S4 E2The Right Stuff
Who is this man? Come on, take a shot! I'm not gonna fire you every time you give a wrong answer.
A2Applicant #23
Neville Chamberlain?
You're fired.
As far as you're concerned, the patient is Osama bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?
A1Applicant #11
We're protecting Osama bin Laden?
It's a metaphor. Get used to it.
A2Applicant #24
Aren't we going to discuss what caused the sudden appearance of burnt flesh? He [Applicant #6] brought charged paddles into an oxygenated room!
Well, you didn't stop him. Means either you thought it was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite, or you thought he'd fail, making you a cut-throat little pixie.
I fired you!
A6Applicant #6
[wearing his number upside down] No, you didn't.
A2Applicant #24
He fired you. You're number 6.
A6Applicant #6
No, I'm not. I'm number 9.
I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.
So tell me about the magic underwear.
A1Applicant #18
Is that why you're here?
I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams.
A1Applicant #18
You're reversing your argument?
I know what I believe, I'm just not quite sure what you believe.
A1Applicant #18
Well, LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions.
But your judgement was to say "no". You used my judgement.
A1Applicant #18
You made a good argument.
Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there would be no religious people.
A1Applicant #18
You're an atheist.
Only on Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time it doesn't really matter.
A1Applicant #18
Where's the fun in that? A finite un-mysterious universe-?
It's not about fun, it's about the truth.
S4 E397 Seconds
He said he'd be here by three, he's obviously not coming. [removes her runners bib and starts to leave] I'm going home.
JCDr. Jeffrey Cole
Nobody follow her. She "pied pipered" nine people right out of a job last week.
Patient has spinal muscular atrophy. It's genetic, incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery.
You have just given a state secret to the enemy.
What enemy?
New patient, new rules. Today you're gonna split yourselves into two teams. The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. Take off your numbers, you look stupid. I think I know who you are by now.
LKDr. Lawrence Kutner
Wait, how do you want us to split up?
Good question [pauses, forgetting Dr. Kutner's name] …overly-excited former foster kid. There's ten of you, I was thinking six against six. No, wait…
T1Twin 15A
How 'bout women versus men.
Excellent suggestion…fat twin. More interesting than "evens versus odds", less interesting than "shirts against skins". If your sex organs dangle - you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing - you're the Yanks.
Dr. House, I'd like to be on the men's team.
Do your sex organs dangle, Cutthroat Bitch?
Not yet.
HDDr. Henry Dobson
We're not okay.
I get it - you don't like me because maybe I'm a little bit competitive.
DDr. Dobson
Manipulative.
"Cutthroat Bitch" is your official title.
[Dr. House walks into Dr. Cuddy's office and sits down. There is long pause.]
Why are you here?
My office is being used by my teams.
Teams?
...Which means this is the only place where you can yell at me.
You have teamS?
Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen all that closely.
You can't make a competition out of patient care.
Without competition we'd still be single-celled organisms. Can I go now?
Not until after the yelling. What's wrong with him?
I have seven of the finest minds on it, along with three very special-
You wouldn't be doing this unless you already knew-
Ah-ah, if I tell you, you tell them. Game's over.
If you know you are obligated to treat-
Well, then in that case I don't know. Why would a a guy voluntarily shove a metal object into an electrical socket?
I'm getting closer and closer to knowing the answer. What would happen if I shut down this game?
I'd fire them all, hire forty new fellowship applicants, and start the game all over again.
Who are you, Thirteen?
My name's in the file.
Fact that you won't answer my question tells me more about you than answers could.
No it doesn't. We turned the thing up to 95 degrees-
You think that not answers tell me anything?
Sure, just not as much as actual answers, that's why they're called answers.
They tell me you're hiding something.
Tells you I'm hiding everything.
Tells me you got something worth hiding. Is it Turkish prison? Gay porn? You killed a man just because he was asking too many questions?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.