Gregory House quotes from House

Foreman

We need to remove the eye.

House

It's her only working eye.

Foreman

We could remove the other one, but since it's not killing her, I thought this way was less insane.

House

How many friends do you have?

Lucas

Seventeen.

House

Seriously? Do you have a list?

Lucas

No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought.

House

Want to be my friend?

Lucas

No, you scare me a little.

Taub

You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?

House

No. I would never out someone's superpowers.

House

Differential. Say you're a middle-aged Chinese woman..

Wilson

Fine.

House

Say it.

Wilson

"I'm a middle-aged Chinese woman."

Wilson

Well, I guess nobody gets to choose who their parents are. I'm not even sure anymore we get to choose who our friends are. [House glances up at him questioningly] I spoke with Cuddy, she hasn't filled my position yet.

House

If you're coming back just because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness... [Wilson smiles] ...I'd be okay with that.

Wilson

I'm coming back because you're right. That strange annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died.

House

[gives him a long look] You hungry?

Wilson

[nods]

House

[pauses] Wilson.

Wilson

[Wilson looks at him] Yeah?

House

My dad's dead.

Wilson

Yeah. My sympathies.

House

People interest me, conversations don't.

Foreman

Because conversations go both ways.

Like Thirteen.

House

You're fired.

Thirteen

What? You just defended me!

House

No, I just prevented you from getting a drug test. Probably saved your career. I'm already taking responsibility for one doctor with a drug habit. [takes a Vicodin pill]

Thirteen

I don't have a drug habit!

House

The slutty party girl is fun till she pukes on your shoes. Then she's just a pain in the ass.

Lucas

What does that even mean, "dating a hooker"?

House

He's an idiot with a messiah complex. Saviour to all who need saving. That's why his first wife had a wooden leg, second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved.

Lucas

From you or the ho?

House

The ho's just using him for his money. [pauses] Wait, bad example.

Lucas

Normally in these situations, I'd follow the girl, find something embarrassing to show him. But since that's our starting position...

House

[to Thirteen] Why not men? You're bisexual. If you were just being self-destructive, you'd be having random sex with men. Better chance of getting assaulted, catching a disease. If this were just about getting laid, it'd be a lot easier to pick up men. Or ugly girls. This woman's hot. Which means you like the challenge, the conquest. It's the control that gets you off. And controlling women is as close as you can get to controlling what's gonna happen to you.

Thirteen

Here I thought I was just into boobs.

Cuddy

Thirty-seven-year-old male with recurring blackouts.

House

Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.

House

I need a genetic disease.

Wilson

I'm sure you're carrying a few.

Cuddy

It's really not the greatest time for gloating.

House

[walking in] There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenaged boys riding bareback.

Cuddy

[shaking her head] No, I'm done. I can't go through that again.

House

You're quitting, just like you quit IVF.

Cuddy

Yeah, just like that.

House

There, you just said it again. [Cuddy smiles] That's too bad. You would have made a great mother.

Cuddy

[looking up in disbelief] You son of a bitch. When I was getting a baby, you told me I would suck as a mother. Now that I've lose it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. [Approaching House in anger] Why do you need to negate EVERYTHING!?

House

[quietly] I don't know. [Cuddy stares at him]

Wilson

Did you speak to Cuddy last night?

House

She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?

Wilson

You spoke to her?

House

Kinda hit that, so she's all on my jock.

Wilson

Whoa...wha..what?

House

Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.

Wilson

You hit? Like making out? Or full on sex or -

House

Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll take you through it.

Wilson

Well, what are you going to do?

House

What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake -

Wilson

Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss.

House

So now I have two reasons to ignore her. It was...just a kiss.

Wilson

There's a reason -

House

Yes. Those large things in her bra.

Wilson

You were hiding it from me! Means it meant something to you.

House

Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase 'I hit that'.

Wilson

If you dated Cuddy there would -

House

Sorry, I get better reception when you're not here.