Gregory House quotes from House

Cameron

With the risk of infection Chase won't actually -

House

He's not going to do surgery in some crazy dude's house.

Cameron

You just said -

House

What I said was that Chase would put him under at the house, we'd take him into the hospital, open him up, do our thing, then slip him back into his room for the post-op, without him ever finding out that we tricked him. So that was implied.

Cameron

It's unethical.

House

He'll be asleep.

Cameron

He gets to make his own calls, even if he's asleep.

House

Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking because it's the only way I can fire you.

Cameron

Sorry, in ER we like to actually resuscitate dying people, not just let them flop around.

I treated her based on the symptoms she presented.

House

You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome, almost killed her in the process.

House

I went to Cuddy's house. I didn't go in. I went home without ringing either her metaphorical or actual bell.

Wilson

Huh.

House

You're processing.

Wilson

I'm scrubbing.

House

'Huh' means processing.

Wilson

'Huh' means acknowledging. If you prefer I can say 'hah', or 'hmm' or -

House

No insights, no opinions? You're disappointing.

Wilson

You made a decision. I can't tell you what's right for you.

House

Seriously? Because last week you could. Last year you could. It seems to come pretty easy to you.

Wilson

Do you want me to tell you what you should do?

House

I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying.

Wilson

Interesting. [walks off]

House

[calls after him] Holding things in can give you cancer!

Thirteen

We could save this patient but all you care about is getting your answer!

House

Your point being?

I'm sick and I want to know why. I want the best doctor in this hospital here now! Or I'm going to start killing people.

House

[pause, then with eyebrows raised] What seems to be the problem?

Never been anywhere south of Florida.

House

You idiot.

Florida counts?

House

Well, not to the supreme court, it's warm enough for germs. You’ve been blaming doctors and you can’t even give a halfway decent history.

What's Cuddy doing in your office?

House

Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?

Cuddy

[from the other room] These walls aren't sound proof!

House

[calling over his shoulder] I'm well aware!

House

Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.

Taub

We treat her like a sixty-year-old Asian man, too? She's not fat.

House

Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.

House

[To Cuddy, talking on the phone] Have you seen my balls?

Cuddy

[To person on phone] Can you hold on a second? [Looks at House]

House

My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one...

Cuddy

Your plan isn't gonna to work.

House

Of course it is. I try to make you miserable, to make you leave; you deny that it's making you miserable and you try to make me miserable, so I'll stop making you miserable, and eventually you will leave, citing reasons that had nothing to do with misery...

Cuddy

You're not bothering me.

House

Step 1: complete.

Cuddy

[To person on phone] I'm going to call you from my cell. [Hangs up phone] And then I will come back in here! [To person on cell phone] Hey. Yeah... I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. [Walks by House] Excuse me.

I'm a virgin, so is my fiancé.

House

I believe him.

Are there other ways I could get pregnant? Like... sitting on a toilet seat?

House

Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and a toilet seat, but yes, absolutely. [Before walking out] I was doing so well...

I go through one a week.

House

Are you sure you're using it right?

Do I look like an idiot?

House

Nope... Why don't you show me how your inhaler works.

Jerk.

House

Come on, you're from one of the Twelve Tribes, you must know a ton of shysters.

Taub

What type of lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.

Foreman

Are you suggesting I got Thirteen in that trial because of some personal...?

House

I think you got her in because of your usual messiah complex. I think you messed with the appointment schedule because of your I-like-to-have-sex complex.

House

Love what you're wearing. Brings out the blue in the case file, means it's not from the ER. So why are you here?

Cameron

Because Dr. Cuddy is not here. She's decided to spend some more time with the baby for a while. I'm taking over some of her day-to-day responsibilities. Like baby-sitting you.

House

Interesting. You have your whole life ahead of you. So why would Cuddy want you to die so young?

Cameron

She figured I spent three years working for you, I was innoculated.