Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Cuddy

Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.

Dr. House

They are until you FIND THEM! [holds up comb triumphantly] No, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time'll be even better!

You sick, miserable...! [He rushes into the elevator]

Dr. Cuddy

What are you doing?

Oh my god!

Dr. Wilson

Wait!

Dr. House

See? Told you it'd be more dramatic.

Dr. Cuddy

Call.

Dr. House

You'll call anything.

Dr. Cuddy

My stack is bigger than your stack.

Dr. Wilson

So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?

Dr. House

God, that would be annoying.

Dr. House

[to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to] Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night.

Dr. Chase

He's joking.

Dr. House

No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.

I'll, uh, see you later.

Dr. House

Got a case.

Dr. Chase

Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.

Dr. House

Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.

Dr. House

The parents are mad because their kid is dying, it's understandable, but if he doesn't die they won't be mad anymore.

Dr. Cuddy

Well if he's brain damaged they might still be a little ticked.

Dr. Cameron

Depriving her of even the few minutes of sleep she does have that's torture.

Dr. House

So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor's coat on.

Dr. Cameron

[about the patient] We've got rectal bleeding.

Dr. House

What, all of you?

Dr. Cameron

Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?

Dr. House

No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.

Dr. House

Talk to the dog?

Dr. Cameron

We're not as up on foreign languages as you are.

I've got the plague?

Dr. House

Don't worry, its treatable. Being a bitch, though... nothing we can do about that.

Dr. Chase

You're gonna talk to a patient?

Dr. House

God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God.

Dr. House

He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...

Dr. Wilson

And you're worried about trademark infringement?

Dr. House

Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip.

Dr. Wilson

Ah, and there the similarities end.

Dr. House

Cop with a sense of humor, differential diagnosis, guy's in the ER, bleeding on everybody.

Dr. Foreman

Drugs?

Dr. Chase

He's a cop.

Dr. Foreman

Good point, how about... drugs?

Dr. House

Tox screen was clean, he did however get hit with a bullet. Just mentioning.

Dr. Cameron

He was shot?

Dr. House

No, somebody threw it at him.

Dr. Cameron

[Referring to Foreman] He doesn't like cops.

Dr. House

[Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I are ever separated shopping...

Dr. Cameron

The chance of infection is next to nothing.

Dr. House

Yeah, I was never great at math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?.