Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Chase

Foreman. Why aren't you answering? Is there a problem?

Dr. Foreman

S-square.

Dr. House

Tell me your date of birth.

Dr. Foreman

Is that House?

Dr. Chase

Yeah. Next?

Dr. Foreman

[surprised but unable to move by head restrains] Square again. Why is he here?

Dr. House

Because my neurologist is having surgery.

Dr. Foreman

I thought I was another patient.

Dr. House

You didn't believe that crap. Did you? [while inserts a needle into Dr. Foreman's brain] Date of birth.

Dr. Foreman

The Ommaya reservoir is inserted in the parietal lobe. My spatial recognition is the issue, not my memory.

Dr. House

Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could swear you said biopsy. Hey! I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maiden name, please.

Dr. Foreman

[while tries to look at Dr. House, who is standing behind and taking a sample] Get out of my temporal lobe, House.

Dr. Cuddy

You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.

Dr. House

Ooohhh, Level Three. Should I call Jack Bauer?

Dr. Cuddy

House, what is this?

Dr. House

He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. Cameron

Foreman's black.

Dr. House

What?! How long have you been sitting on this information?

Dr. Foreman

I think the first biopsy didn't give us the answer because you didn't go deep enough. I want you to do a white-matter brain biopsy.

Dr. House

[sarcastically] Absolutely. Don't blame you. The world is such a complicated place if you've got higher reasoning skills. I'm often jealous of small animals and retarded children. Take the antibiotics.

Dr. House

You're late.

Dr. Cuddy

And you are in my locked office, again.

Dr. House

[trying to get a rise out of Foreman] I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.

Dr. Foreman

You're addicted to conflict.

Dr. House

[looks at his Vicodin bottle] Did they change the name?

Dr. House

You're designing a kid, a loser kid, who's already getting pummeled at recess.

Dr. Cuddy

Here, knock yourself out. Go find sperm that can beat up 613's kids.

Dr. House

He's got a temperature of 103.

Dr. Foreman

And why do we care?

Dr. House

Because we're human beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting.

Dr. Cameron

You took his history?!

Dr. House

Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.

Dr. Chase

You asked him what book he's currently reading.

Dr. House

It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? "Bwuu."

Dr. House

Favorite dessert topping? [The patient hesitates.] Trust me, you'll never know what fact may be the key to saving your life.

Whip cweam.

Jack Moriarty

You wanna hear a story?

Dr. House

I have a rule: People who shoot me forfeit the right--

Dr. House

You're an ass.

Jack Moriarty

Now, that is a bold position to take, given that I shot you.

Dr. House

The shooting just makes you an idiot. You're an ass because you're trying to wrap it in a flag like you did a good thing.

Jack Moriarty

You're an ass and a hypocrite. You don't believe in rules, you do whatever you think is right, that's all I did; you were my role model.

Dr. House

Watch out, you're getting crumbs on the flag.

Dr. Wilson

You don't want a healthy leg.

Dr. House

Ohh, here we go.

Dr. Wilson

If you've got a good life, if you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch; no reason to hate life.

Dr. House

Well here's the flaw in your argument. If I enjoy hating life I don't hate life, I enjoy it.

Dr. Wilson

I didn't say it was rational. HIV testing is 99% accurate, which means there are some people who test positive who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything is okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness or even anger - they get depressed. Not because they wanted to die but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them, them, isn't real.

Dr. House

I don't define myself by my leg.

Dr. Wilson

No-o, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to somehow make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine everything. You have dismissed anything physical. Anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual.

You want to let a robot operate on me?

Dr. Cameron

The technology is amazing. It magnifies everything ten times, it's ten times the accuracy.

No way, I want a person!

Dr. Cameron

A person will be controlling the—

Dr. House

People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue into a guy with one eye, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft. If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all you care about is that something's done right, pick the guy with the metal head.

Dr. House

Relax Cameron, I'm not going to cut you. I just want to show what this puppy can do. I can make one millimeter incisions. You know how small that is? Small even in metric. If I do something that doesn't make sense, even to you, stop me. [He moves the robot's tweezer hand down to stroke Cameron's cheek.] Delicate, no? [He then lifts up the hem of her shirt and uses the air hand to blow air into her belly button. And then he cuts off a button on her blouse, peeling part of the shirt away to reveal her bra.]

Dr. Cameron

House.

Dr. House

Does that hurt? [Cameron shakes her head.]

Dr. House

[to Vince] Seen enough?

No.

Dr. House

That wasn't a question.

Dr. Cuddy

Why did you...?

Dr. House

Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?

Dr. Wilson

Because he can.