Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Cameron

His brain is like a waiter that's got too many...

Dr. House

Hey! I do the metaphors!

Dr. Foreman

There's no age limit on addiction.

Dr. House

[taking a Vicodin] He's right.

Dr. House

[to Chase] Two clinic hours says that those love apples are hand-crafted by God.

Dr. Foreman

I thought you didn't believe in God.

Dr. House

I do now.

Dr. Cameron

We're mandated to report sexual abuse.

Dr. House

Is it okay if I save her life first or do you want to make sure daddy doesn't get visitation rights to the grave site?

Dr. Wilson

[gruff disguised voice] House, this is God.

Dr. House

[in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?

Dr. Wilson

Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?

Dr. House

You'll have to check with Cameron.

Dr. Wilson

Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time.

Dr. Cuddy

House...

Dr. House

Quick, God, smite the evil witch! [Wilson wisely says nothing]

Dr. Cuddy

Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?

Dr. House

God, why have you forsaken me?

House

Listen, none of this has anything to do with Stacy.

Wilson

Right, giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain- [House whacks Wilson's shin with his cane] Ow!

Dr. House

Aw, you miss Stacy too?

[about his daughter] I slept with her mom.

Dr. House

She probably knows that's happened already.

Dr. Cuddy

House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?

Dr. House

No, I think it's hugely manipulative.

Dr. House

We're going to cure her.

Dr. Cameron

We're going to cure death?

Dr. House

[laughs like a mad scientist] Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! [normal voice] Doubt it.

Dr. Cameron

She's positive for gonorrhea.

Dr. House

I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.

Dr. Cameron

His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. And if you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.

Dr. House

Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.

Dr. Cameron

He's gonna need a lung transplant...

Dr. House

He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?

Dr. House

Do I look pleased?

Dr. Cameron

Ignorance is bliss.

Dr. Wilson

Cuddy called.

Dr. House

I know. Saw the caller ID.

Dr. Wilson

Young girl, anaphylactic shock.

Dr. House

You answered?

Dr. Wilson

Turns out that's what stops the ringing.

Dr. Cuddy

These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?

Dr. House

Hasn't let me down yet.

Dr. Cameron

Test was negative, no semen allergy.

Dr. House

Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis. I don't buy that it's unrelated.

Dr. Cameron

He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.

Dr. House

[looking puzzled] What does that mean?

Dr. Cameron

Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. [smiles] You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.

Dr. House

Oh, snap!